Picture this: You walk in to your family room. A moment ago it was a
peaceful scene, with your two children playing quietly. Now all is chaos.

Your 1 year old is squalling, milk and cereal dripping down
his face. The dog is happily lapping up the puddle of milk and
cereal that made it to the floor. Your 4 year old is standing there,
a guilty smile on her face, her milky spoon still in her hand. And
what do you do? You look at your 4 year old and demand, "Why did
you DO that?" And what does she say? "I don't know."
Or worse, "Because."

Here is the real answer: She probably doesn't know and you will
never know. Maybe your 1 year old actually deserved it. Maybe your 4
year old wanted to see what the baby looked like with milk on his
face. Maybe the devil told her to do it. Bottom line: it doesn't
matter. Asking why is the most fruitless question you will ever ask.

Frederick Perls – father of Gestalt Therapy – states in his
book Gestalt Therapy Verbatim, "I know you want to ask why…to
get rationalization or explanation. But the why at best leads to
clever explanation,…never to an understanding." He goes on to
say that every event has many  causes. All kinds of factors and
experiences come together to create the moment that is now and the
person that is your child at this moment in time.

Give up on why. Trying to pinpoint the motive(s) of your child's
behavior is a futile exercise, and one guaranteed to cause you
grief.  Look instead at the now and the how. Now is all that truly
exists. The past is gone, the future yet to be. How describes the
structure of Now, and includes behavior and everything else that is
happening in the moment.

Let's go back to my opening example. The Now you encounter is
your 1 year old with milk and cereal and tears on his face, your dog
lapping up the mess and your 4 year old standing there with her
spoon in her hand. It is definitely her cereal all over your 1 year
old.  A better question to ask is, "What happened here?"

In Gestalt Therapy theory, we always respond to the most pressing
unfinished situation first. As I see it, the crying baby with the
milk and cereal all over him is the most pressing need to be
attended to. Pick him up, clean him off and comfort him. All the
while listen to your 4 year old if indeed she is speaking at all.
Give her a towel to help you clean up the mess on the floor, but do
not yell at her. Use this time to calm yourself – and everyone
else – down.

When you are finished cleaning up and your 1 year old is calmer,
look directly at your 4 year old and ask her again to tell you how
the milk and cereal got all over the baby. She may tell you a story
about how the baby was bugging her or crying or grabbing for the
cereal. Perhaps she will even tell you she got mad and poured the
cereal over the baby's head. Maybe not. You are not looking for
justification here, just a recapping of what happened when you were
out of the room. If she is unable or unwilling to talk, do not force
the issue.

At this point you can talk to her about using words when she is
angry or calling to you for help if the baby is bugging her. You can
also tell her that pouring cereal over her brother's head is
never an option. If it is blatantly her fault, a 3-4 minute time-out
may be necessary. What is really of no real importance is the why.
Her actual behavior is now the most important unfinished situation
to deal with, not why she did what she did. She is testing out her
world and trying out new behaviors and you are there to help her
learn what the acceptable limits are in any given situation.

Many valuable minutes, hours, and sleepless nights are wasted
on trying to assign motives to children's (and adult's)
behavior. "She's jealous...she's angry...she's
mean...she's manipulative...she's tired." Any or all may
apply. The motive is the why. The behavior is the how.
It is not up to you to discern the true motive and then
pass judgment upon that motive. Ignore the
motive and focus on the behavior. You have no right to
tell her what to feel. You do have the right to correct
her behavior. See the difference? 

Why should you do what I tell you to do?

Because... :)