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Moral Delimma...

post #1 of 17
6/9/05 at 9:15am
Thread Starter 
Okay. As of July 1st my Dad will be homeless.

He cannot afford his mortgage and all of his other bills so he has rented his house out. The lady has already given him a $1000 deposit check.

He needs to be out as of 7/1/05. As of that date, he doesn't have anywhere to live. He said he's going to try to stay on the road as much as possible (remember he's a truck driver) and when he does come home the one day a week to do laundry and so forth, he originally said that he'll go to Vanessa's apartment (remember she moved out of his place last month) Then a few days after he tells me that he'll stay there he says to me:

"well i won't beable to handle her all that much- so i may need a place to crash once in a while, just somwhere to sleep."

OK. Here's my problem. I told Dad he needs to SELL the house. He needs to completely get OUT from under that house. It's not doing him any good. It's just dragging him further and further into debt. He decided to rent the house because he wants to keep the house on his credit I guess.

My dilemma is what do I do? I moved out of his house for a reason- to get away from my parents to establish my own home to support myself. Now, my dad is 52 years old and is going to rely on me???

I haven't even talked to Matt about it because I really honestly think Matt is going to say No.

I mean, it's only once in a while, and Dad said he'd crash on the couch. Which I guess is fine with me.............sorta.

I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that he's relying on ME. I mean.. I don't know. As his daughter I feel like an awful person for not wanting him to stay.. but since my Mom died.. he's been all 'woe is me'. Which is ok, because my mom did leave quite a financial burden on him. But still- thats why I told him to SELL THE HOUSE. he doesn't need it for just him.

I'm tring now to convince him to buy a trailer here north of my town. It's a nice little place, and it's on $200 a month. That $200 covers taking over the payments for the place and lot rent, and yard maintence. I think it's a FANTASTIC idea for him. Since the lady that is renting his house will be paying his mortgage, everything he makes driving is going in his pocket. So $200 a month will be TOTALLY workable for him.

Anyway. The whole point to this post was about me feeling like it's not my job to supply a bed and breakfast for him.

Is that wrong?
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post #2 of 17
6/9/05 at 9:28am
I don't know Robyn. I mean, I can imagine what all is going on in your head. So, if it were me, this is how I'd reason through it:

First, I know my parents would never leave me without a place to stay. They'd take in me AND my kids AND my spouse if necessary, even if inconvenient. I watched them do it with my brother and his family. It was rough, but they didn't leave them without a place to stay. And it IS only once every week or two, right?

I know that if I worked out of town, and needed to come to town for a few days, I could crash with my parents, and honestly, I don't think it would bother me if they wanted to do the same. I've actually done this also when Mike and I were first marrid -- I'd come back to town and work a week at a time for my old employer, while staying with my parents.

BUT on the other hand, it's not like he's desolate. True, he's having some financial problems, but if he only needs a place to crash once every week or two, why can't he just rent a cheap hotel room? What if once every week or two turns into a couple of times? And you guys have had a rough time since your mom died, so that makes a difference too.

And if becomes a more frequent thing, he'd definitely need to consider your proposal. I think $200 /month is an excellent investment for him to be able to have a place to call home!

I'm sure I've been of no help, but I did want you to hear what all would be going through my head if I were in your shoes. I'd probably let my dad, but so far, we don't have the same tension you have with yours. Whatever you choose, try not to let it stress you out too bad.
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post #3 of 17
6/9/05 at 9:51am
Thread Starter 
Oh I totally know what your saying about your parents letting you stay. Remember Me, Matt, and Austin lived with my parents for 2 years until we moved out and bought this place in '03!

Thats why I'm torn. I know I'm not going to let my dad NOT have anywhere to sleep. But as you said- if it turns more frequent then I'd need to put a stop to it.

The biggest problem I have is Matt. I just KNOW he's going to say no, but like I said I can't just let him sleep in his pick-up truck! He and my Mom DID let 3 of us live in their house.

I'm trying to find a way to present it to Matt. He's such a freakin' hard head.

But Thank you. Kind of hearing it from someone else.. its not all that bad really. Just convincing other that it's not.....
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post #4 of 17
6/9/05 at 10:08am
That is tough.

I'm like Dawn. I know that my parents and my inlaws would never let us be homeless. And I wouldn't want my parents or inlaws to be homeless, either. So, we'd probably let them stay with us. BUT.... Too much togetherness is never a good thing with either side of our family. So, I'm not sure how long I could stand it. Every once in a while is one thing, but any more than that tends to cause problems.

I think you have a good idea with the place for $200 a month. That is VERY reasonable. And he could always resell it later. that way he has a place of his own; a place for his stuff, etc.

I don't know what to tell you. But I hope things work out for the best.
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post #5 of 17
6/9/05 at 11:49am
Oh .. and for the record ... this time when my brother and family needed a place to stay, they went to the in-law's. Was only supposed to be for a few months until they could find somewhere to rent. I believe it has now been 2 years ... at least! So you have his in-laws, him and his wife, and their three kids living in a double wide.

SOOOOO ... it could definitely become a problem!
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post #6 of 17
6/9/05 at 11:55am
Thread Starter 
Holy Cow thats a lot of people in a double wide!!!

I know when we lived with my mom and dad.. their house is 1500 sq ft and it was Mom, Dad, Grandma, Me, Matt and Austin. Thank goodness though my mom and dad were driving truck at that time! LOL I would have gone CRAZIER!

BTW~ i talked to my dad. He called the lady with the trailer, and she is contacting her bank and having them put a rush on whatever it is they need to do to approve my dad to 'assume' her loan for her trailer. Soooooo... Thats a step in the right direction!

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post #7 of 17
6/9/05 at 11:56am
I know you won't hesitate to let your father stay with you if he needs a place, but I agree that he still needs a place to call his own. And I agree that he needs to sell the house. Even if he's renting it out, he still has to keep homeowners on it and fix anything that goes wrong with the house so it's not like he won't still be putting money into it. So the best thing for him to do would be to sell it and look into this place for $200 that you've mentioned to him.

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post #8 of 17
6/9/05 at 12:12pm
Well, I would let me parents stay with me if they needed to BUT they would be in a hurry to leave

But if the house is weighing him down then maybe it needs to go. 200.00 sounds much better then the 1,000.

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post #9 of 17
6/9/05 at 1:32pm
My situation with my parents is not the same as yours. $200 a month for a decent place to live seems really cheap to me.
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post #10 of 17
6/10/05 at 4:28am
Okay Robyn, here are my two cents I think your Dad needs a little tough love here. Yes, he is your father and he has been through a lot with your Mom passing away But, he is an adult and therefore should be self sufficient. If he doesnt want to sell his home then he should definitely rent the trailer and maintain his independence. You and Matt have proven just how hard people can work to be on their own feet. I think you should tell your Dad that you love him no matter what, BUT... you are married and have two children of your own to be your first priority and he should find a place where he can live. I know you love your Dad but he needs some tough love. He needs to make the decesion to act like a grown up and find a place to live without falling back on his daughter and son in law as a crutch. My thoughts are with you in this tough choice. But I think your Dad will thank you in the long run.
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post #11 of 17
6/10/05 at 8:23am
I agree with what Dawn said, but Robyn I understand your dilemma. As for dealing with Matt, I don't know what to tell you. I would try to make him understand where you are coming from and maybe even gently remind him that y'all did live with your parents for a while.
Ideally, the trailer for $200 a month would be perfect. I really think that would be your dad's best bet.
Honestly, though, Robyn, I almost wonder if your dad WANTS to come and stay with y'all every once in a while simply because he is lonely?
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post #12 of 17
6/10/05 at 8:25am
I don't know when your mom passed away or the circumstances of it all, but I do know that my mom was terribly lonely the first few years after my dad died, so I could see how your dad could be saying he just "needs a place to crash" every once in a while as a guise for wanting to stay with y'all to break up the monotony of being alone and missing your mom. I could be totally wrong, though since I don't know the whole situation.
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post #13 of 17
6/10/05 at 4:32pm
If he's got the trailer to go to, in case you just don't want to deal with him over sometimes, that's best. There's nothing saying, though, that he can't crash at your place periodically anyway - to spend time with you and the kids, and not have to drive home afterward. And I'd offer to maybe make dinner for him (either at your place or his) when he is in town, just for the visit, you know?
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post #14 of 17
6/10/05 at 4:52pm
Good idea, Judy!
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post #15 of 17
6/12/05 at 11:26am
If it was once a week I would let my parents come and stay. I figure free baby sitting and I know they would do it fo rme. But he does need his own place and not yoru place.
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post #16 of 17
6/12/05 at 2:07pm
I can see your dilema.....why not make a deal with your dad....and Matt....that there is to be alimit as to how much time he can spend there....as you and your family need your space too....BUT if it turns out to be more than the limit then your dad is going to need alternate arrangements (like the place for $200 a month--heck I would love ot have a plcae that cheap).

As for Matt....you can always remind him that your parents helped you out when you all needed it.

Its hard when it comes to our parents. Most parents are there to help us out no matter what....so when the shoe is on the other foot its hard. We want to do what everyone may see as morally right...BUT at the same time we are young, have a family to consider and such and just as we dont' want to be a burden on our parents...we dont' want them to become a burden on us too.

good luck hon
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post #17 of 17
6/13/05 at 9:35am
I agree with Dawn. I also want to say I am funky on this parent/child thing. I guess as I see it they took care of me for so many years, I owe it back to them to help them. That is just me. I do like the trailer idea, that sounds excellent. How is that going Robyn? Have you talked to Matt? Hope he understands and helps you come up with a plan or works with you in what you have been dealing with.
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