Are we asking too much?

My MIL's retirement is coming up soon and we want to have a retirement party for her. The problem: Billy & I don't associate with one of his brothers. If he's going to be at a family function, we don't go. Everyone is saying that we should just "get over it" for my MIL's sake and go to her retirement party. We hear that every time the family gets together so it's really getting old.

Besides, we want to be there for my MIL, we really do. So all we asked was that we do something for her like we did for my FIL a few years ago and have it somewhere that people can move around, go in and out, and not be "stuck" inside one room for an hour or more. That we just can't have because one wrong move or look towards our kids or us by this guy and Billy would go off on him, believe me.

Two of his sisters are pushing reserving a room at a restaurant and having it there. For some reason, they think it would be easier for them to get along that way. How? They'd be sitting there eyeballing each other the whole time, causing a lot of tension and uneasiness for everyone, especially their mother. No one would have a good time.

Why can't we just have a cookout like we did for my FIL? It would be so much easier for everyone. We could have the kids in the house or on the other side of the yard from this guy in order to keep them away from him rather than have to sit across a table from him. It would be easier for us to ignore him if there were more room to roam.

But maybe we're asking too much?

If it were just a few planning it, we'd do like we always do and decide to go or not go and that'd be the end of it. But everyone is "suppose" to have a say in it and help decide together or come to a consensus on what to do. That's why we put our suggestion in there only to have them tell us, once again, to get over it. When it comes to Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving gatherings, we try to hold them at our house so that we are in control but if someone else plans it, we make the decision to go or not go. I guess because everyone is suppose to have a say and be considered this time, that's why it annoys me that they just dismiss it and tell us to "suck it up" and get over it.

Thanks for the support ladies and I think we may end up doing what Lenora suggested. I know my MIL will be disappointed that some of her grandkids aren't there (you know us adults never matter when we have kids! ) but things will be calmer if we're not there.

My nieces and nephews are 8 & up except for one who is Elizabeth's age and her mother says that her older kids know to stay away from this person and can help her keep an eye on her youngest. She normally doesn't go to functions where he is either but is at a point where she can make exceptions for special events.

In short, when my BIL was about 15 he started molesting and raping his sisters who were 10, 12 & 13. Then he raped one of them (blames it on being drunk) when he was 21 and she was 18. Except for the one who told us, everyone else just wants to keep it hushed and pretend it didn't happen. Because of several things I've witnessed since knowing Billy, I believe he also molested our niece who is now 17. And from stories he told us about a woman and her young daughter that he use to live with years ago and how they suddenly left one day without taking anything with them or leaving a note of why they were leaving, I think maybe he molested her daughter as well. But that's just speculation on my part.

When Billy found out about all this (we were told just after Alexander was born) he confronted his brother who first denied it and then went on to say that it was something all brothers and sisters did, that he did nothing wrong, that his sisters begged him to do the things he did. Being that he was over 40 and still believes what he did was okay, we simply choose not to subject our children to being around him. May not be the choice everyone would make but it's the one we made. We feel we are protecting our children and that's what's most important.

He is also an alcoholic, bigot, sexist and chain smoker, so we had decided before finding out all this that his exposure to our children would be limited. I guess finding out about his past and knowing how he still views it was the "nail in the coffin."

Thanks Liz. That's one of my issues with this. Instead of facing and dealing with what he did, instead of holding him accountable for what he did, they'd rather just pretend it didn't happen and expose others to him. We have no way of knowing if it all stopped back then or if it's continued all these years and we have no way of knowing what he would do if he got our kids alone. But we certainly don't want to find out. Until he acknowledges what he did was wrong and asks his victims for forgiveness and seeks help, we'll continue doing what we feel is best for our kids.

I think you're being very brave, Liz. I know it's not going to be easy to see your father again. And if my BIL would do what your father did, it would be easier for us to be around him.

Yes the whole family knows and they just tell us we need to get over it, that it was in the past. What really bothers me and I have gotten past to some degree is that my inlaws were told about this at the time and they did nothing about it. They didn't want to face that it was happening so they told my SIL, their daughter, that she needed to keep her mouth shut and not spread lies. They also got mad when she told me and Billy about it all and said she had no right to try and destroy his life.

We've had "discussions" about all this and they know our position and feelings. They can choose to not agree with what we've decided but they can at least respect it, as we have their decision, and deal with it instead of continuing to tell us we need to let go.

Like we tried to tell them, when my FIL retired shortly after we found out, we went to the party we had all planned for him. It was outside and we were able to keep our distance and keep our son away from this person and didn't have to deal with him at all that afternoon. That's why we suggested doing that for my MIL so that we could be there.

Everyone says that it didn't happen to Billy so why should he be upset over it. They say they can help us keep an eye on our children to make sure nothing happens to them. I know in their hearts they would never want anything to happen to my kids but when they couldn't/wouldn't stop it from happening to their own, how can they stop anything now?

It's a shame, in my opinion, that it is so easy for them to just ignore what happened and pretend that they are one big happy family. The youngest sister is so messed up and I'm pretty sure it's all from what happened to her when she was younger. Goodness knows how long it went on for her. She refuses to talk about it and says that sometimes you have to do what's best for the family rather than yourself. I completely disagree with her.

I wish my two SILs who still haven't dealt with what happened to them could get to the point that you did, Liz. The one espeically needs some type of therapy to help her but I know we can't force either of them, they have to reach that point on their own.

So see, we're not really being difficult, we're just trying to make sure our kids are protected as best as possible. If only we could all agree on an outside cookout then things would be okay.

I hate that anything like what my SILs went through happened to anyone. It's so sad that there are such sick and horrible people in the world to take advantage and victimize others.

Thanks for understanding, Annie, and you're right. What would they do if something did happen now? Probably apologize and say it's over, let's get past it.

Thanks so much Lenora!

Not that we would change our minds if others didn't agree, but it does help knowing that we have people who support our decision.

Oh, we've talked about the fact that he probably LOVES that we don't go to a lot of family things when we know he's gonna be there. That's why we try to hold a lot at our house and no one ever complains about him not being there or objects to us hosting it when they know he won't be invited. So I think they would rather him not be there but don't want to have to explain to "outsiders" as to why he wasn't invited to their house. It's easier to say that he and Billy just don't get along and that's why he isn't invited to ours.

And we've talked about who are we to judge when those that he victimized do still see him on a regular basis (except one). He's never acknowledged what he did was wrong, never apologized for what he did, never seeked help of any kind. They simply don't want to deal with it and say it's easier to just forget about it than say anything which would bring judgment down on not only him but them as well. That's what he convinced them of years ago and what they still believe, which from what I've read it's a typical response.

Because he doesn't think he was in the wrong and hasn't gotten any type of counseling for his behavior, that's the main reason we don't want our children around him. We know we could get a babysitter and go ourselves to something like this but that would upset MIL more than all of us not being there at all.

We'll either come to a solution or just do something on our own to celebrate her retirement with her.

And I must say that it is good to have questions like that asked because some may be asked that we haven't thought about before. And it helps to try and look at it from different aspects/points of view as well in order to try and understand the position others have taken.

You've got a point about there being too many trying to plan it and I actually agree. But since they asked for our input, we gave it.

Evidently the three sisters got together this weekend and decided to have it at one of two places. Hopefully we'll be able to work out a way to go but if not, we'll find a way on our own to celebrate with her.

I think that's what it is - I've always done it to poor Michele!