Nicole--I know what you mean. I had the car seat in my car. I had the nursery set up, a swing in my living room, a cradle in my bedroom. Instead of planning our baby's dedication at church we were sitting with our minister planning her funeral. You are still so fresh from your loss that it is hard to think clearly. I remember telling my doctor that I could not watch a 30 min. television program b/c I couldn't understand it. She told me it was normal but if it continued then I need to tell her. By 6 weeks I noticed it was getting better. I also remember people talking to me and I was seeing their mouths move but could not "hear" the words. It was as if I was in my own little bubble. The grief is that deep. I know you know this but I want you to realize you are not alone.
It does get better. Not easier exactly but different. I never moved on. I never allowed that. I just learned to enjoy life in the place I am. And that is the place of someone who has a child who died. It is not a fun club but one I belong to just the same. No one will EVER understand unless they have gone through it.
We chose not to wait but to ttc right away. It is not the right decision for everyone but it is what helped us. Every time I walked by the nursery my heart broke even more. The best advice I can give you is to do WHATEVER you need to do to feel better. Whatever it is as long as it is not dangerous or unhealthy. Stay home, go out, talk about it, write it down...whatever. My husband and I are very faithful and our church family helped us tremendously. I don't know what your situation is with that but if you are involved with a church then reach out to them. Most people want to help but won't offer help unless you ask. I made a list in my mind and to this day people still fall into two categories....those who ignored me after the loss and never mention my daughter or her existence and those who were good solid friends to us (who told us they didn't know what to say but wanted to be there anyway). Those are good people. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. I can recomend some good books that deal with infant loss if you are interested. They don't have all the answers but, again, they will let you know you aren't alone.
Nicole, I hope this helped. I am having serious trouble with my home computer. It somehow vantracted a virus. Please know I am NOT ignoring you but I am having a hard time loggin on at home. Being a teacher does not give me much time at work either. Feel free to email me too if you'd rather. <<huggs>>
