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Warming up to your stepchildren

post #1 of 11
9/7/05 at 9:24am
Thread Starter 
Anyone else have trouble warming up to their step children?
I like Shane's son Colin but I also can't seem to stop blaming him for things that aren't even his fault. His mother uses him as a tool to get what she wants out of Shane and instead of making me dislike her, for some reason it is making me resent a 5 year old boy. I hate it and I don't want to dislike him but when I think about my kids not getting what they need because we have to bend over backwards to make his life comfortable it really drives me crazy. I mean, Zachary doesn't even have a regular place to sleep and almost nothing of his is upstairs (it's all in the basement) because Colin doesn't need the change of having to share a room and can't sleep if anyone else is in there. Then there is the thing with "her" saying that Colin doesn't like Zach and he gets him in trouble all the time. I have never seen any evidence of them not liking each other and they only get in trouble when they fight over something which can't be pinned on one kid... I KNOW that "she" is just saying this stuff to make life harder for Shane. I start dreading him coming over though because I enjoy the times when he isn't here and I don't have to worry about making him comfortable or what he will or won't eat... and I have Shane to myself.
I'm a horrible person aren't I? What am I supose to do?
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post #2 of 11
9/7/05 at 9:28am
Ummm no. You're not horrible. I have the same issues with my stepdaughter for many of the same reasons you mentioned. As long as she is using her son as a tool, it won't get any better. Hopefully she'll grow up and get past it soon so that everyone can get along like they should.

Does Shane notice any of the stuff she is doing? What's his take on it?
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post #3 of 11
9/7/05 at 9:35am
Thread Starter 
Shane notices a lot of it... he just doesn't know what to do. He agrees with me that Colin needs to be getting used to life how it is now at his daddy's house and not having things fixed for him so that they seem as familiar and comfortable as possible ( I want him to be comfortable but I don't want to bend over backwards to make sure nothing is different) but he also doesn't know much he can go against what "she" wants without causing major problems.
I don't think he sees it the same as I do though with my kids getting less every time we bend to give him more.
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post #4 of 11
9/7/05 at 9:59am
Nope not bad at all. Dh's ex uses their son to try and get him to do whatever she wants. Hopefully she will grow up (this happening is not likely in my case) and things will get better.
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post #5 of 11
9/7/05 at 10:50am
Personally I think you should go ahead and make Zach and Colin share a room. This is his life now, and he HAS to face the fact that Zach is a part of his family and DESERVES to feel comfortable as well. He'll get over not being able to sleep(which I think is crap) with people in the room.

I also think "she" should not be involved in the way Shane runs his house. She lost that right when they went their seperate ways...make sense? He should put his foot down and tell her this is how it is and Colin will get used to it. This is his life now and trying to not make things different is only prolonging things.

Good luck Elaine. It's hard having to deal with someone elses child(and their other parent). Take it one day at a time. Things will get better.
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post #6 of 11
9/7/05 at 5:30pm
I think Tara's got a lot of good ideas. Sharing a room a few days a week is not child abuse. Most kids have to share something at one time or another in their lives. Just treat him like one of your own. I think he may be becoming a five year old tyrant. Hopefully, she'll find a new man soon and forget about yours.
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post #7 of 11
9/30/05 at 5:46am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Elaine
Shane notices a lot of it... he just doesn't know what to do. He agrees with me that Colin needs to be getting used to life how it is now at his daddy's house and not having things fixed for him so that they seem as familiar and comfortable as possible ( I want him to be comfortable but I don't want to bend over backwards to make sure nothing is different) but he also doesn't know much he can go against what "she" wants without causing major problems.
I don't think he sees it the same as I do though with my kids getting less every time we bend to give him more.
Hi Elaine, I notice that you keep using the phrases "my kids getting less" and "bending over backwards"

Just for background, are any of your kids related to Colin? (ie is Shane their father)? If not, does your "ex" pay maintenance for the other kids? I was just wondering what do your kids get "less" of? And why? Don't forget, material things are not as valuable as love and compassion. We sometimes have to make sacrfices and above all, compromise.

Obviously, you are a very honest person, discussing this subject the way you do and I think this is healthy because, although you are irritated by the situation, you are able to communicate your feelings to Shane.

Please just treat Colin as you would want your kids to be treated in a similar situation. His world has been turned upside down (is he an only child?) How long have you and Shane been together? These are things to consider.

About Colin's mother, reassure her (you and Shane, both) that Colin is a valued member of the family and she will learn to trust you with her precious son. It is hard for her also, to let him come to you, but she has to let go and trust.

I wish you all well.
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post #8 of 11
9/30/05 at 8:50am
Thread Starter 
Hi tuquoise. First of all, welcome to BabyU.
My two kids are from a previous relationship and no relation to Colin. However, I am pregnant with his half-sibling.
Things are getting easier around here. Colin and I are both adjusting to the new situation and becoming more comfortable with each other. His mother is in a relationship herself now and I think that has caused her to let up a little because she seems less concerned with making life h*ll for us.
The "getting less" I was really referring to was Zachary (my 4 year old) not even having a bedroom or anywhere even to unpack his stuff because we were being told that Colin shouldn't have to share a room in "his house". It was something that Shane and I had discussed even before we moved in because making Colin feel pushed out was not something I wanted to do. Shane assured me that as long as he talked to him first and gave him time to think about it he would be excited and it would work out fine. I honestly don't know if I would have agreed to move in if I knew that Zachary wouldn't be able to live comfortably here. He has been through so much with the divorce and moving around all summer that I just wanted my kids to get settled.
Anyway like I said, things are better and we are going bed shopping this weekend to get Zach officially moved into the bedroom.
Colin is a great kid and my frustration and resentment was misplaced.
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post #9 of 11
10/4/05 at 8:31pm
We are having some similar issues at our house. DH's ex calls me all the time telling me how I'm not "ALLOWED" to tell her children what to do when they are in MY house. I have an in-home day care, and when her kids are here...she wants me to give them special consideration - ie. NO RULES whatsoever. She said that I am "crossing the line" when I try to tell her kids what to do, and I need to concentrate on raising my OWN children and let her and MY husband raise theirs. I tried to explain that the decisions that THEY make for THEIR kids affect MY life, MY house, MY car and MY kids...and that was when it all disintegrated into her threatening me, like some high school girl. Dad is on my side and tells me that I have every right to tell them how to act in my own house...but he is still stuck in the middle and a lot of the time, he will go back on something that I've said and let HIS two get away with things that he would spank MY two for just to shut her up. It's been a HUGE issue for us for over two years now. It's making me NUTS and really hurting our relationship (which is, I THINK, her goal...since she has told him several times that she knows she messed-up by leaving and wants him to come home.) Ahhhh...I feel much better now. lol
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post #10 of 11
10/29/05 at 8:37pm
Dear Elaine, thank you for your kind welcome - I hope I didn't sound too "preachy"!

I am so glad to read your reply - I don't think that your "resentment" was misplaced - I just think you were thinking aloud, and trying to make sense of it all!

Well done you - it is a difficult thing to achieve and like all families, you will have your ups and downs, but there is no such thing as "normal" and we only get one crack of the whip (probably!), so relax and enjoy. Don't beat yourself up about it, just go with the flow (I have been trying to do this for years!)

How come it is so much easier to give advice than to take it???!!!

Big hugs to you all.
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post #11 of 11
10/29/05 at 8:48pm
Hi there - I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time - however, I don't understand why you allow someone to dictate the way you behave in your own home. When you say it is really hurting our relationship, the person who is "hurting" the relationship can only do so if you let them have that power over you. Take a step back, relax, act like a team, you, your partner and the children and be assertive and empathetic. Perhaps you could say to the ex, "I understand your concern regarding the children, however, this is how I live my life..." Perhaps you could allay some of her fears by letting her see how the in-house day care is run, by inviting her into the home where her children have to spend some of their time and defusing the situation? One she can see that her children are happy and cared for, she will be able to relax and allow you to get on with your lives. The fact that she now feels she has made a mistake in letting your husband go is not your problem. You can do so much and then the rest is up to her. Be strong, don't let this break up your relationship or else the children will be rootless and confused. Good luck.
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