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Trepidation and sooooo scared

post #1 of 8
10/29/05 at 4:09pm
Thread Starter 
This may seem weird to some of you but I'm hoping someone might know what I felt like for years. I'll try to make this short and fill in later. I'm really looking for support and info. at this time...and as much as I can get.

Oh boy, here goes. When I was 5 I said I would never have children of my own. Why? You're guess is as good as mine but I felt this way very strongly. I've never wanted to have my own children and we ended up adopting our dd last Sept. She is the love of my life. I believe everything that happens happens because it is supposed to. God meant for K to be with us-we had three failed adoptions before her but I knew I was to go down that road.

Anyway, fast forward to now. Two weeks ago dh made a statement about us having our own child. Keep in mind I've never wanted to. Okay to explain a little: I'm extremely scared to be pregnant...everything that comes with it. I have nitemares about it-really! I have never had any itch to be pregnant or have a child come out of my body. However, I have started thinking since he said this that we are getting older-only 28 right now- and that I wanted my kids by the time I was 30 (adoption of course). If we are going to do this, I need to do it now. Can you believe I said that?

I was at the mall today and seeing all the pregnant women and cute little babies, and kids running around, and daddies with their babies and oh, the bug started to crawl into my head. Can I really get PG? Do I want to get PG? It might be a possibility.

My dilemma is this: I'm still overwhelming scared to death...really, really...can't even describe how scared I am. What am I scared of? I'm still thinking about that one. Needles is the first thing...I flip out at the sight or even thought. See, it's not really the pain...I'd think I would try natural childbirth as far as I could go...but then there is the pain. It doesn't last forever. Yes, I know this. Women have done this for centuries without medication and have lived...and with medication and have lived ! What the hell am I so scared of. I think having something move inside you flips me out. Maybe I've watched alien way too many time-hahahaha . I shake even thinking about that, even though it is my baby...ewwww. Can you help me? I think I need to see a head doctor about this...for real!! Maybe if I knew all the facts-scary or not I would feel better.

AHHHHH-this drives me crazy. I'll stop for now but I can and probably will go on about this until I decide what I want to do.

I have started reading through the stickies in the info forum. I love it all and thanks for having such a place. This is just what I need. Okay, now you can tell me how crazy I am!!

hugs and blessings,
Melissa
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post #2 of 8
10/29/05 at 5:57pm
The unknown can bevery frightening. I'm not going to lie to you, there are things about being pregnant that are uncomfortable, but there are also things that are beautiful - hearing your baby's heartbeat, feeling your baby move, seeing the baby on the ultra sound - and so many more things.

Different people experience pain in different ways and amounts. Not to offend anyone here, but pain is pain - whether it's childbirth or a broken back. Childbirth is often used as an example as the worst kind of pain, but I found that I had experienced pain just as bad before from injuries. And the thing of it is, it is not useless pain. When it's over, you have a wonderful baby to hold in your arms. It's not like a broken arm, when it's over, you have a cast for 6 weeks. There are breathing and meditation techniques to help you deal with the pain - and there is always the epidural and other pain medications as well. I hope this helps for whatever you decide.
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post #3 of 8
10/29/05 at 6:54pm
you're not crazy at all. I can somewhat relate with these feelings... i was never sure if i should have kids, no reason why. then dh and i tried for five years with no success, so i decided i was never meant to carry a child. I have always had adoption in the back of my head, except for the cost of it. that always scared me more than anything.
sorry to highjack your thread and talk about me, but just to let you know you are not alone in feeling this way.

oh, and i havve now a beautiful son that i can't imagine not having. the whole time i was pregnant though it seemed sureal... and even now it is hard to remember that i delivered him (csection)

i hope you can make peace with yourself and make a decision, and i bet my post shows you that i might be crazier than you..... lol
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post #4 of 8
10/29/05 at 9:35pm
Hmmm.... Well, I've done both. We adopted our twin boys after my Dh's cancer treatments were supposed to sterilze him. When they were 5 months old, I found out I was pregnant. I was much more scared to have 3 kids under 2 than even think about labor.

Try and think of it this way. You have been through more than one failed adoption match. Good God, if you can survive that pain, you can do pregnancy! We were successful with the boys on first match, but because we are not done adding to our family, we will still have the possibility of that happening. Here you are a survivor of that, you have plenty of strength for childbirth. KWIM?

GL, welcome to BBU, and let me know if I can help with anything!!
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post #5 of 8
10/29/05 at 9:52pm
Dh and I never wanted kids. We were adamant about it. Then my sister had my nephew, and something changed in me, and I knew I wanted to be a mom.
We went through fertility and started looking into adoption, as we knew the fertility route may not work, and I just wanted to have a baby--via my body or adoption, it didn't matter how. And then the fertility treatments worked. We were so happy!
All I can say is that I loved being pregnant. The more Emily moved, the more I loved it. The bigger I got, the more I loved it. I distinctly remember sitting in my prepared childbirth class and feeling so sad because I knew that one day I wouldn't be pregnant anymore!
The thought of delivering a baby terrified me, too. The way I saw it, there was no easy way to do it. Pain is pain, temporary or not, and I didn't want to feel it. The thought of pushing a baby out scared me so much. A c-section scared me too. CUT OPEN? While AWAKE?
But by the time Jan. 2003 came around, I was ready to have Emily. I wanted to see her, hold her, get to know her. Yes, when I went into labor that underlying fear was still there, but I knew I could deliver her somehow, and that I would be fine. Labor hurt worse than I can say. I ended up having a c-section after a long hard labor. And yes, I was scared right up until I laid my eyes on my beautiful girl baby.
All I can tell you is that your fears are normal, but I would not trade the opportunity to have been pregnant and to have delivered Emily for anything. It was so worth it.
There is no question in my mind that you could do it and you could face and overcome your fears.
The epidural needle is not big. The needles I used for my fertility treatments were a lot bigger.
And plus, like Dana said, the emotional pain you endured is much harder than any physical pain from labor and delivery. You can do it. But only you can decide if you want to do it.
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post #6 of 8
10/30/05 at 1:02am
Exactly what the other ladies said. For me, I always knew I wanted children and I loved being PG both times, it was exciting to feel the babies kicking, rolling, and moving around. I loved to see them on the ultrasound and hear their heartbeats. There is the pain but at the end of it is a beautiful baby just waiting to get to know you and for you to get to know them. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
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post #7 of 8
10/30/05 at 1:18am
I understand how you feel. I have always felt and told people I couldn't have children. When DH and I got married I told him that I may never want children. I've just always thought I couldn't get pregnant. I've had horrible nightmares as well.
Now we have been TTC for 7 months. Who would have guessed that I would be so excited to get pregnant. I'm terrified most of the time that I can't and I'm terrified that I can. I'm so sure now that I want children of our own. I'm not sure how I came to that conclusion, my neices were part of it for sure.
Good luck and anytime you want to talk we are all here. Feel free to PM me or anyone we're all very friendly, you will find all the support you need. and
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post #8 of 8
10/30/05 at 9:54am
I agree with the other ladies. I've had two babies one the "old fashioned way" and one c-section. Both were somewhat difficult I won't lie but there is NO BETTER feeling that holding your newborn baby! I am pregnant with # 3 and looking forward to that feeling again.

Like Tammy said--you've been through losses (failed adoptions) you can do it! We're here to support you.
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