Update--My mom

Mom just called and said she was going to have the PET scan done today at 12. I know she knew this yesterday b/c you can't eat for so many hours prior to the scan, etc. and they always give you at least 24 hours notice. So, obviously she wanted to do one of two things:
a. She wanted to play a game with me and see if I would drop everything to go to the test with her, so she waited until TWO HOURS before the test to call me. And let me tell you all, this is SO the way my mom operates. Manipulation and game playing are her favorite things.

b. She didn't want me to go, so she waited until the last minute so that I couldn't go. She likes to be able to say things like, "I had the PET Scan, but Jackie had to take me. Tammy didn't even offer." She fails to mention that she SETS IT UP so that I can't even go if I wanted to!

This is very frustrating. On top of the fact that I have all these conflicting feelings. You know I don't like my mom much as a person. She is self-centered, greedy, two-faced, connivving, maniplulative, and just plain mean as hell a lot of the time. Whatever she does or offers to do, ultimately it is about HER--what she will gain from it or how she will look for having done or offered to do whatever it may be.
BUT she is my mom. Emily doesn't see these things in her, and she loves her. Before my dad died, my mom wasn't THIS bad. She still had these elements, but she was also at times kind and generous for the right reasons. As time has gone on, she has gotten worse and worse. But she is my mom, and I believe it is my place to do right by her. That doesn't mean allowing her to manipulate me or hurt me or playing along in her ridiculous games. I feel bad that I can't go with her for the Scan. I am worried that this is it. That we have gotten too comfortable in the fact that the cancer is gone and now it's back and they won't be able to do much to help her this go around. I worry about her suffering. And I feel guilty as hell for disliking her so much. But I do, and I cannot help it. I try to find the good things. I try to find things to really love about her, but she makes it so hard. Okay I am rambling. Just had to vent.

I also just found out from my MIL that the doctors want to biopsy the abnormal mass. WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME THIS?
Tomorrow she has an appointment with her ENT, so I WILL go to that with her.

Thank you! and oh yes, I sure do know what to do with it!

Of course, I just talked to my sister, and she was no help. When I first called her, I was upset, and she knew it, and she said she had to call me back b/c she was on the other line. THANKS SO MUCH!
Then she called back and after I told her everything, she said, "What do you want ME to do? Do you wnat me to find someone to take care of A***** (my nephew) and come out there?" First of all, she has a husband! Second of all, he is in school all day, so all she needs is someone to take him to school (assuming her DH can't or won't) and someone to pick him up and let him hang out with them until her husband gets home from work. A is in school until 3:00 or 3:30 and her DH can leave work at 5. I don't get it. And no, she's not avoiding this because it is so heartbreaking to her. She just doesn't want to juggle her responsibilities to help us out. Yet, it's my place to juggle mine and take care of my mom no matter the expense (and I don't necessarily mean $$$) to my own life.

I know! I went off on a tangent and told her that unless she was moving back here that simply coming for a visit right now would not help. I also explained to her that while I know I am the youngest, I DO HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES. I have a daugther who needs me every bit as much as her son needs her, AND I work. Tutoring is a job. We use the money I make. We don't use it to wallpaper the walls here at our house, ya know! I use it to pay for Emily's school and right now, it's helping us with Christmas. We also use it to go out to dinner or to do a little extra stuff, which I think we deserve! I also told her that I should be able to call and vent to her. That it's hard for me to juggle all this, and that things are really different from Apr 2004 when mom was diagnosed. I can't quit tutoring now. Kyle is making A LOT less money now than he was then. He's been talking to me about having me go back to work full time. I don't want to do that, and now with the possibility of mom being sick, I know I can't. BUT at the same time I can't quit tutoring and I can't just forget about Emily and leave her with MIL endlessly. And then I finally said, "I mainly called to talk to you about this because you are her daughter too and I really thought you might care." All of that, and she seemed pretty unmoved. If y'all only knew how much this upsets me. I don't necessarily need her to come here, not right now, but it would be nice for her to just say, I am sorry you have to go through this. I know you have a lot of responsibility, and I'll help you any way I can. If it reaches the point where you want me there, let me know, and I will do my best to get there. How hard would it be to say that?

I know, people think being the baby means that you have no responsibilities, etc, but that is so not the case. It's like we are the oldest or at the very least we are the most responsible and reliable!

I told Kyle the other day that I don't even really expect her to be here for my mom's funeral if this is it. I know that thinking like that sounds morbid, but if anyone here has lived with a very ill parent, then you know that is always in your mind. Anyway, I just know that if it is close to Christmas or otherwise not good for her, then I don't expect she will come home for it. I know it will all be left to me. It's okay, I did everything when my dad died from taking care of my mom, to calling LITERALLY hundreds of people the day after he died, to making all the funeral arrangements to helping my mom sort out their finances to just EVERYTHING. Same when my dad's mom died three years later. My sister didn't even come home for her funeral. I am used to handling it all, and it probably doesn't seem like it right now, but I do fine under pressure. I can step up and remain calm and do what needs to be done. When my dad died, I didn't fall apart or cry at the funeral home or at the funeral. I was strong for my mom and I was strong because I had to stand there at visitation and keep it together and meet all these hundreds of people who were his customers since before I was born. I had to be strong. And I did it on my own. And I'll do it again. Because I am a firm believer in stepping up and doing what is right, first and foremost. I put my emotions aside and do what needs to be done. I can fall apart at home or in the shower, but first take care of what needs to be taken care of, with help or without help. So, I will do that now. And I'll be okay.
A very wise woman once said you take the $hit in your life and use it as fertilizer to grow beautiful things. That's why we are friends. We share that philosophy. We might complain sometimes, but ultimately we step up and do our best. In the end, those that have let me down or that don't step up will have to live with it..