I think it all comes down to

stupidity!
I feel bad posting about this, but I need to vent and sort it all out. Thank goodness for my best friend. I have been calling her and venting about this for a while now, but I don't want to wear her out!
I am sure most of you are familiar with my BIL (DH's brother) and his situation--quick recap--last year he got back together with an ex GF who had a four y. o. son who is supposedly BIL's. At Emily's birthday dinner, he announced that the GF was pregnant again. They had been back together maybe a month and were already living together. Their relationship was a mess from the beginning. Lots of fighting, etc, and BIL has a terrible temper. He would always threaten the GF, etc. In June or so they broke up. They would still talk, etc, and usually it would end in a fight. Once BIL called me and told me he wanted to put a bullet in the GF's head and in her mom's head. It may not sound like much, but to hear someone say that so calmly and matter of factly, it was chilling. In September, the GF obtained a restraining order. It was issued for six mos. BIL's baby was born in October and he could not be there. She could not call and tell him. I knew, as she called me, but when I asked MIL about it, she thought it was best that we didn't tell BIL.
I have kept in touch with the ex GF and she sends me pictures of the kids, etc. After Christmas, MIL and I met her and saw the baby, a girl. MIL bought both the son and the baby a bunch of Christmas gifts. She even bought some and put that they were from BIL. When we met the ex GF, MIL gave her some money to help with things for the kids.
The ex GF had a great job, which she had had for nine years. When we met her, she was on maternity leave, which was about to end. Well, the day she is supposed to go back to work, she emails me and tells me she quit her job! How stupid! This was January 13 or something like that. She just walked in and resigned. No notice or anything. She had no other job lined up. And BIL was not paying her any child support.
Then, DH's father dies on Jan. 17. I tried calling BIL at work to tell him, and I am told he no longer works at that job. As it turns out, he had quit his job about the same time the ex GF quit her job. And he didn't have anything else lined up either!
She is STILL not working. He just got a job about two or three weeks ago.
On Valentine's Day, BIL came over to go to dinner with MIL and Emily. He tells us he left candy in the ex GF's mailbox for the son and for her. (Violation of the restraining order.)
This sets in motion the two of them beginning to talk again and immediately the arguing resumes. CAN YOU SAY GROW UP?
They met one day at Chuck E. Cheese and BIL gave her some money for the kids, a first. Then this past weekend, the ex GF says that BIL can see the son (he doesn't know what to do with an infant, and he doesn't need to be left alone with the baby--too clueless). Well, as it turns out, the ex GF spent the weekend down at BIL's house with the two kids. Supposedly she and the baby slept in the guest room. BUT STILL! The restraining order just expired at the beginning of March, and she is suddenly okay with spending the night with him? I just don't buy that she was ever seriously afraid of him if she was willing to do that. He has no rights to the kids, so she didn't have to let him see them, and if she was feeling like he needed to see them, he could have met them somewhere. I just don't get it. I think they are made for each other. Both impulsive, irresponsible, and just stupid.

What really gets to me about all of this, besides the fact that two kids are involved, which is just sad, is that now that MIL is living here, she talks to me about this situation a good bit. It's hard for me because I believe I see the whole picture and I think MIL's view is biased. Ex GF is the villain and BIL is the victim. Hardly. I don't think either of them is really a victim. BIL is abusive, at least verbally, so in that sense the ex is a victim. You know, it took both of them to get her pregnant both times. I think she was pretty dumb to go right back to BIL once they found each other again. He knew about the son and chose to have nothing to do with him. That should have told her something. He had never made any attempt to see him or support him. Y'all may think I am being harsh, but you know, she should have made darn sure she didn't get pregnant again. It's not like she didn't know what to expect. And why would BIL care either way? He already had fathered one child that he didn't have to take any responsibility for, so why would he care if she got pregnant again and had another baby? I am not excusing him by any means, but I just think she should have not had unprotected sex knowing how unreliable BIL is. But BIL has convinced MIL that the ex planned all this. Got pregnant on purpose so that both her kids would have the same father. He says that the ex planned to only stay with him long enough to get pregnant and then go back to her ex boyfriend. (By the way, this STILL has not happened, after all these months, she is not back with her ex.) Whenever the ex wants BIL to see his kids, MIL will tell me or me and DH about it and her voice is filled with sarcasm. But if BIL wants to see the kids and the ex already has plans, MIL gets mad at her. The ex can't win no matter what she does. It frustrates me. I finally told MIL that BIL IS the father of those kids, and he should see them whenever he gets the opportunity, and because of the way they went about everything, and because of the fact that he won't establish his rights as a father (HE TOLD ME he doesn't want to be obligated to pay child support, so he won't go have his rights established! ), then he is at the ex's mercy where this is concerned. It's his own fault. I don't feel sorry for either one of them. They are both adults. He is 35 and she is 29. I am probably not doing a good job of explaining this. The bottom line is that it wears me out listening to mil talk and carry on as if BIL was an innocent party in all this. It's not all his fault and it's not all the ex's fault, and the only innocent ones are the kids. I told mil yesterday that I thought that BIL and the ex were two peas in a pod and that they were both too selfish, stupid, and irresponsible to be parents.

Bless you if you have read all that!

Well, I know she didn't make up anything because as I said, he told me once that he wanted to kill the ex and her mom. I believe he did threaten her. I just think she doesn't have a clue what she wants. Actually, I think she wants him to take care of her now. Give me a break!
Libby, you are right. I have to not let it get to me. I told my best friend that I am just not going to talk with MIL about it anymore. She can say whatever she wants, and I'll listen, but I won't carry on a conversation about it.

I agree about BIL and GF. MIL can't move back home. It was dangerous enough for her and FIL to live there, but she can't live there alone. When FIL first died, we were up at her house one day cleaning out the fridge and everything, and a police detective came by looking for someone who lives in the rental home next door. He told us he couldn't go into it, but that the people next door were dangerous and were being watched and had been being watched for quite a while and that the police were closing in on them. He told MIL that it was not safe for her to be at the house alone even during the day, but that she definitely had no business staying there at night alone.
I am actually hoping that when her house sells she will get enough money to be able to look for something of her own close to us. She doesn't have much money. FIL fixed it so that MIL DOES NOT get his pension now that he is gone. So, her income is less than $1000 a month and she has to pay $300 a month for her health insurance.

No she isn't on drugs, she is just one of those people who is truly not too bright.
I don't really think MIL wants to work. She is about to turn 64 and recently retired after working at a bank for 38 years. Plus, if my mom's cancer is back, I am going to need MIL's help since I will be taking care of my mom, getting her to chemo, etc. It's a lot of work. And there is no one else to do that for my mom. I am all she has here.
I think part of the issue with MIL is that she is still in the grieving process. I saw this with my mom. MIL is angry and slightly bitter. It's one of the stages. My mom has never left that stage. No joke. I hope MIL does.

The other thing is, as far as MIL's house goes, it's not common knowledge that the area where her home is is all that bad. Other parts of that county are known for crime and drugs, but not her part of the county. DH and I didn't like them living up there because it's so far from us, and because of the problems in the other parts of the county. But we had no idea about her neighbors or anything else until the police detective came by that morning, so it's a good bet that the general public doesn't know either.

Actually, she has a good group of friends. She has a group of three ladies with whom she used to work and they get together about once a month. She also has her friends from church, all of whom are widows. She sees that group once a week. She confides in them, but I think I just hear it so much because we are always together.