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When step children don't see you as authority

post #1 of 6
3/28/06 at 12:33pm
Thread Starter 
We are having this problem right now with two of the kids.
Haley, who has an attitude problem to begin with, talks back to Shane and even told him yesterday that he wasn't the boss of her. I should have grabbed her by the arm and yanked her off to her room for a spanking right then but I didn't react the way I should have. I did talk to her a little later when Shane wasn't around and told her that she needs to respect Shane and the fact that she lives in his house and if I ever hear anything like that come from her again I was going to beat her @ss. I know our talk didn't phase her though and he'll still get the same attitude.
Colin doesn't see me as an authority figure at all but instead of being confrontational about it he completely ignores what I say. His first attempt to get out of what I say is always to just stare with a vacant expression like he's not even listening and then continue what he was doing (this is worse when an actual parent is present). If I stop him and really get stern and say "I said no" or something along those lines he tries to argue his reasoning or why he can with me. He has called me mean, said he was telling his mom on me, and just flat out said "my mom will let me when I get home" when I tell him no.
I really don't know what to do in either circumstance (Haley or Colin) and things don't seem to be getting better with time.
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post #2 of 6
3/28/06 at 12:47pm
Do they have their own rooms? Or does Colin still share with Zach? I'm afraid you're just going to have to stop them when the events occur and send them to their rooms until they can behave nicely towards you and Shane.

With Colin when he says that his mother would let him, then I would say "I'm not your mother and this is not your mother's house. This is my house and my house you have to listen to me. Go to your room until you find that you can listen to/respect me."

If their rooms are too interesting and filled with toys and games, well, they can be made more boring until there is nothing to do but sit on the bed and read a book. This is what we do with our daughter. Somedays she spends a lot of time in her room, but it does work with her. She usually comes out more pleasant and if she doesn't, she has to go right back in her room.

I hope this works as well for you as it does (usually) for us.
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post #3 of 6
3/28/06 at 12:52pm
I hope that didn't come out snotty. I have no patience for children who do not listen to me. With Colin you have to be so careful what you do because the ex seems very vindictive and you don't want room for her to make stuff up. What's she going to do? Call CPS because you sent dss to his room even if it is for a long period of time? (to a kid)
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post #4 of 6
3/28/06 at 12:52pm
Well, my new thing with Jessi is she has to write 100 sentences every time she is disrespectful. One weekend, she wrote about 600 sentences total Since then, the first 100 usually knock it out of her.

As for Colin, I think Shane is really going to have to step up and come up with something. He needs to make it clear that Colin DOES have to listen to what you say and you ARE the boss of him while in your home.

I'm sure it's hard on both kids, but they are NOT the only kids in the world with these issues and they might as well get used to it now.
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post #5 of 6
3/28/06 at 1:57pm
Ya I agree Shane is going to have to step up and tell Colin that you are an adult and you deserve to be respected. I watch a lot of Dr. Phil and he always says it has to be the parent that steps up because no kid is going to respect a step parent unless the parent is the main disiplinarian and tells the kids that the step parent has to be respected. Figure you can take it or leave it depending on what you think of Dr. Phil

Good luck, you deserve to be respected by Colin and Shane deserves to be respected by Hailey. It's not easy and I know I was a terror to my step father for a long time, because he didn't do anything with us but yell, he didnt' interact like a loving person.
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post #6 of 6
3/29/06 at 6:09pm
Have you thought about having a family meeting. And in front of Shane tell Haley that she has to listen to Shane. Tell her that although Shane isn't her father, he is a friend and an adult and adults deserve respect. Have Shane say and do the the same. Tell Haley how much it upsets you when she doesn't listen because Shane is just trying to help you get things done around the house. Lay out the rules of what WILL happen when they each disrespect you or Shane. And what happens at each warning and what they lose when it happens. I'm sure it is a big change for ALL of them. New parental figures, a new baby, a new location.

Start this as soon as possible. My FIL has had no authority over his 2 step children for 8 or 9 years and it was pure hell. Now he can punish them(grounding) and they know it will stick when mom gets home.
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