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At the end of my rope

post #1 of 20
4/8/06 at 11:27pm
Thread Starter 
I don't know what to do with Haley anymore. I honestly can't handle her and she doesn't listen to a thing I say. Last week after bringing home the friend that she was told couldn't spend the night she had a break down and cried and talked about how I'm not as nice as I used to be and how I never do anything with her. I explained to her that she can't expect to be treated any differently than she treats other people and that I love her but I'm having a hard time wanting to do anything with her because of the attitude she gets when something doesn't go exactly the way she wants. We talked and I let her know that if she puts forth a real effort to respect everyone else in the house and to do as she's told without arguing it that I would make sure we had some time together every weekend to do something.
Well since then nothing has gotten better. She is constantly screaming at everyone. She doesn't do anything she is told without a huge fight and which always ends with her being sent to her room and screaming at me that I'm mean.
Do you know how bad it feels to be able to honestly say that you don't like your own child? I've done everything I can possibly think of and nothing works.
It's gotten to the point that I know she takes the majority of the punishment in this house and that the boys get away with more but she refuses to let things go and stop when she has been told to stop.
Tonight Shane went to the couch and got a pillow that a few minutes later Haley claimed to have been using. I said something to the effect of "Haley it isn't a big deal just go get another one". She literally stood there whining no that she had it first and trying to pull that one back from him for 5 minutes ... the whole time I'm telling her to knock it off and go get another pillow. It's little things like that ALL day long. I can't ask her to do anything without it becoming a battle and it is affecting everyone in the house. She truely can't handle not getting what she wants when she wants it and throws temper tantrums like a 3 year old.
She doesn't respect anyone and I don't know what to do any more.
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post #2 of 20
4/8/06 at 11:39pm
I'm sorry Hun, that sound so miserable

I don't know what to tell you, if you give in to her to get a little peace and quiet then she will only get worse, but if you don't then you are all living in a hell of her creation anyway

I know she has had a lot of changes lately but so have the other kids. And change happens to everyone, she, like everyone else, has to learn to cope with it.

She has sure picked her time tho, when you are already tired 24/7 from being pg. Is she the sort of person that appealing to her better side would help. IE: Mummy is really tired at the moment bc I'm making you a new baby sister. You could really help Brenna and Mummy by ..........

Or would that just make her more resentful?

I'm going to shut up now bc I'm not helping, but I went thru Greg being such a little devil when the boys were born that I know exactly what you mean about not liking your own child. He was truely obnoxious and I couldn't stand him at times, then I would get the guilts for not wanting to be around him it is a hell of a situation to be in (If it helps, they do get over it, and Greg has once again been a truely great loving son for many many years - altho he did and does still have his Pain in the Arse moments )
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post #3 of 20
4/8/06 at 11:49pm
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post #4 of 20
4/9/06 at 12:54am
My only suggestion is to talk to the school counselor about her adjustment issues. and maybe set aside a little time everyday just for the two of you.
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post #5 of 20
4/9/06 at 9:44am
Quote:
Do you know how bad it feels to be able to honestly say that you don't like your own child?
Don't feel guilty about this statement. First of all everybody goes through a period off time when they don't necessarily like the people they love. In al actuallity you do like her .. but she is hurting you and your natural instinct is to not like her. Her actions are what you are not happy with.

I agree with Liz .. 5 - 15 minutes a day of special time .. it can even be when everybody else is in the room with you guys. And have a date night and or day once a month. Mark it on your calander and make a big deal of it. Date night with your child can be cheap and fun .. you can take coloring books and a frisbee to the park, go to the movies, take monopoly money and "window shop" for what you'd buy IF you had $50,000 to spend on clothes, etc. During the day think of little things you see/hear that you'd love to talk to her about. And that evening say "Hey Haley, check out this magazine that came in the mail today .. they actually say cucumbers are good for your eyes!!" Stuff like that.

Don't take anything she says/does personally. Sounds like she is really trying to find who she is in the family tree .. it'll take some time and patience, but bear with her and remember "If it won't matter a year from today, let it go!"
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post #6 of 20
4/9/06 at 9:46am
Oh and one more thing you an do is read a book together .. either read the same book at seperate times and talk about it daily, or read it together each night for a few minutes and then chat about it.
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post #7 of 20
4/9/06 at 10:26am
Well you know that I can definitely relate to alot of what you are saying, though for different reasons. Jessi's been a handful for quite awhile, although I have to admit that it's getting better recently (however, I basically had to cut off all her ties with another "friend" of hers that seemed to rub off on her).

I've also found that if I give a little more of me, she lets up a little. So we try to run to the store by ourselves once a week or so and maybe lunch with just the two of us. It's hard for her to understand that there are three of them that want time, but as the boys are getting older, they are wanting to spend more time doing things with dad, so it's starting to even out a bit.

I know Haley's been going through a lot of change lately, but I also know that you were having problems with her when everything was stable and "normal". I fully believe that some kids just continue to test you, no matter what you do right or wrong. I was one of those kids and Jessi is as well. My parents were never divorced, I only had one brother to contend with (and he was 7 years younger), and we lived in the same house from the time I was 6 until I was 15. I really have no excuse for feeling so "deprived" and always testing my parents.

Maybe try making a "date" with her once a week ... go through with it a few times regardless of how she acts during the week, then you have a bargaining tool.
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post #8 of 20
4/9/06 at 10:54am
Thread Starter 
Please don't anyone for one second think that I don't love my daughter. This wouldn't be so hard if I didn't love her and want for us to have a good relationship. And I agree that she needs my time regardless of how well behaved she has been and I try to give it in the little things like helping with homework, trying to talk to her about her day, and listening to her endless conversations about TV shows. Not to mention the fact that while I enjoy leading Girl Scouts, I wouldn't do it if it weren't for wanting her to get the most out of her experience. More often than not though even the little things turn in to whining and stomping her feet and I can't bear the thought of taking her out for a date knowing what is bound to happen. I'm willing to try but I worry that I will just be rewarding bad behavior instead of teaching good.
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post #9 of 20
4/9/06 at 11:32am
Thread Starter 
Okay let me tell yall the conversation I just had with her...

Me - Haley come here for a second.
Haley - Uh why! What?
-She walks up the basement steps-
Me - Go get dressed and cleaned up so we can run to Kroger
Haley - Why do I have to go?
Me - I just thought you would like to go with me.
Haley - Why did you think I would want to go? What are we getting?
Me - Just a few things... because just yesterday you got upset that I wouldn't let you run errands with me.
Haley - That was because Andrea was going to be there.
Me - Okay well just go get dressed so we can run out... it won't take us long.
Haley - I don't want to.
Me - okay maybe next time.
- She walked back down the basement stairs

Okay so maybe running to Kroger isn't the most exciting thing in the world but she is always saying that it isn't fair that I only do things while she is in school and can't go (she says that because Zach usually tells her about getting a candy bar or a balloon or something at the store).
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post #10 of 20
4/9/06 at 11:46am
those tween/teen years are so hard on everbody. I hope things get better for you and her.
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post #11 of 20
4/9/06 at 11:47am
Have a date night at home...rent a movie that she has been wanting to see. Just make it fun...exciting.
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post #12 of 20
4/9/06 at 1:03pm
Try this ... works GREAT for me. I tell the kids when I'm running to Kroger like this "Hey guys, I've gotta run to the store for a few minutes and you all know I HATE going by myself. Anybody wanna come with me and help?"

I have learned to not tell the kids they need to get ready and go with me .. just ask. BUT if they have to go and can't stay home, that is a different story.

I don't think anybody would ever doubt that you love your daughter very very much!!!!! That shows!
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post #13 of 20
4/9/06 at 1:46pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks Roxanna.
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post #14 of 20
4/9/06 at 1:48pm
No problem Elaine! I am by no means an expert .. far from it. But maybe some things I'm trying may work with you and your family. Hey, we can go through this together!! lol
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post #15 of 20
4/9/06 at 3:30pm
I agree with all the other ladies, just hang in there and keep trying. We all know you love her. I think the date night ideas are great, and why not just ask her to tell you some stuff she would like to do with you?
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post #16 of 20
4/11/06 at 12:36pm
I have 3 boys and 1 girl and my daughter is 9 like yours. Your venting could have been me and my daughter! First of all, I understand what you mean when you say you don't love her ~~ of course you do, just like I love my daughter, but there are definitely those days that are exceptionally more trying than others to let that love flow freely!! She does not get along with her 14 year old brother or her 7 year old brother and her brother who is 12 she seems to get along the best with, but even that duo is strained at times! I have tried to do some just "girlie" things with her because she and I are the only girls. I have wanted to do a hotel overnight with just her since my youngest was born and I think this year will be the one because she will be 10 next month. I am hoping (but not counting on) this becoming an annual event for us for years to come. I do plan on having a major heart to heart talk with her about her behavior and such and how she is getting older (and her behavior is getting old!!)

Hang in there (as I will too) and things hopefully will get better with time. My husband kids all the time about when she hits puberty and the real mood swings begin!!!

Debbie

ps ~~ I didn't really offer any suggestions here, but I just want you to know that you are definitely not alone in your feelings. My girlfriend once said to me "she's not the daughter you dreamed of is she?" and I knew exactly what she meant unfortunately!
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post #17 of 20
4/12/06 at 9:44am
Hang in there. Family life is like a marathon race...hurts like you-know-what sometimes while you're in there but really worth it in the end. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Elaine.
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post #18 of 20
4/12/06 at 2:15pm
Honey, I SOOOO know how you feel. I feel the same way about Ally most days and she is only 5! Everything seems to be a battle with her lately. If she doesn't get what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it, then she either yells, screams, cries or pouts - sometimes all of the above. Then when I tell her no, she responds that I don't like her - I'm mean to her or I never let her do anything. I always make sure to tell her that I love her, but I don't like way way she is acting. And that when she can be respectful, then we will talk. I went thru this a bit with Drew, but it was never as bad as it is with Ally.

All I can tell you is to hang in there - it will get better!
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post #19 of 20
4/17/06 at 4:10pm
I know how you feel. When my youngest daughter was 13 - 14 years old she was to the point of threating to commit suicide. She was saying I didn't care about her and was always ignoring everything she she said or did and she thought she would be better off dead. She would always argue about any little thing. I made her get some one on one counciling at our local Alternatives for Violance office here in town. She is my fourth child out of five. I tried to deal with her for awhile, before deciding to get her some help. After she finished her six week sessions, her councilor had her continue for the next six weeks. By having her help with the session of the next group of kids coming into the same program. It helped somewhat. She has been active in a Venture Crew who study Native American Culture and performs dances for Other people. She is now 18 and will graduate this May. She still gets into arguements and doesn't want to back down, because she thinks that she's right. She's attended the Young Women's conferances and had some sessions on channeling her anger and agressions. But she's going to have to start dealing with this problem on her own when she goes to college. I know you feel that right now your at your ropes end. But, if you suggest that she help you with some of the chores around the house that you could spend time together talking and getting things around the house done faster. And have more time and energy to do activities together. Hope this helps in some little way. Good luck.
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post #20 of 20
4/17/06 at 7:03pm
My daughter Zoe is about the same age as yours and I can SOOO relate to what your saying. She is my middle child I also have a 13mth old and 11 yr old (more flying hormones!!). Everything I do or say is wrong, if I ask her to do anything it turns into instant screaming fit usually ending with Ihate you or your mean. I thought things were going badly wrong and it was my fault but aspparnetly this can be normal behaviour at this age!! Recently there was a British documentary on TV (New Zealand) about teens it said that this kind of behaviour is often the child learning how to interact and deal with confrontation. When you think about it I suppose it is, they are practicing in a safe enviroment (they know you will still love them even if they argue with you - they know you wont harm them etc - they can express strong emotions without fear). They can work thru and hopefully learn to control these emotions and how to interact as an adult. They also have a lot of changes going on in there bodies too, hormones and preparing their bodies for puberty - had to do "the Talk" the other day, it didnt go like I thought it would at all.
Knowing all this does I think help but not when your in the thick of a huge scene. Im trying to be understanding but it is hard when they wont do what you need them to do let alone what you want them to do.
I took both big kids out last night to scrapbooking with me half way thru the night Zoe said this is nice were having quality time and nobody is yelling! I replied yes it was nice to be able to enjoy spending time with them. So there is hope!! Just keep trying for the special moments so youve both got something to hang on to after the grumping.
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