Divorce Emotions

Unfortunately, I'm going through a divorce from the man who was practically the center of my life for years. We met when we were fifteen, I gave him my virginity, we were like the perfect couple, we never fought, we got engaged on May 1 of 2002 and four months later we found out I was pregnant. We moved our marriage plans up quite a bit and got married two months before our son was born, everything was so perfect and now we had a little bundle of pure joy to add to our loving family. Then, when our son was five-months-old, a friend of my husband's needed a place to stay for two weeks and asked if he could stay with us. I was pretty leary about it because we didn't exactly have a big place and our son was only five months, I didn't like the vibe the guy gave me either, but I relented and said for two weeks. That two weeks turned into eight months, during which this guy did everything he could to break up our marriage so that he could have my husband to himself. He got my husband into hard core drugs (alcohol on a daily basis, marijuana, cocaine, and pretty much every drug you can name or think of), he started fights between my husband and myself, he stole money from us and blamed it on my "irresponsible spending habits", he even beat me up one night and denied it (and, unfortunately, my husband took his side). This guy treated me like hell so I finally said enough was enough, I told my husband that either his friend goes or Jonathan and I go. At this time, my husband chose his friend and disappeared. During the two weeks that he was gone, I discovered that he'd been cheating on me beginning about a month after his friend came into our lives. I was depressed, I cried all the time. My son was the only light in my life for the longest time and, because of him, I started to pick up the pieces and get everything together for us that second week. Then my husband came back and apologized for everything, he said that he wanted to make everything work and clear up all the bull between us, he said he wanted to make everything right again and that he was so sorry for everything he'd ever done to hurt me. He promised that he'd get rid of his friend and we'd be a family again. I took him back and, for almost a year, everything was perfect again. Until I found out that he was sneaking out behind my back to see his friend and he was still cheating on me, he was still doing drugs too. Again I said that enough was enough and I left, I moved out on November 1 of 2004 and went back to my grandmother's house where most of my family lived nearby. After that, my husband knew I was serious and tried to make things work again. He finally did give up his friend, he got two jobs, found a small apartment, and seemed to sincerely be trying to build up a life for us. I would visit him and everything was great, but again only for a while. We started having problems again in the spring of 2005, he was still doing drugs and still cheating on me. He had been acting ashamed of our son since his friend had first come into our lives, now was no exception and it was even getting worse. He'd get angry if I brought our son down to see him, he would ignore me most of the time, until he wanted sex and then he'd ignore me again. He would never kiss me, hug me, touch me, or show any form of affection in public, even if his friends knew I was his wife. The same for our son. Finally, in October of 2005, I called him and told him that I wouldn't be bothering him anymore and that I was considering divorcing him. To which he told me that I wouldn't do because I love him too much, I didn't call him again. In November he started calling me everyday, I didn't answer till Christmas. He seemed sincere again about making everything work, I said no. I did let him talk to our son for a few minutes, then I told him that I was having surgery on my shoulder because of that work injury on December 30th and we talked for awhile then I hung up. I didn't hear from him again till January 25th when he called to basically say that he was back in town but he was going to make sure that he didn't have any free time for me or our son, I hung up. My mother and I took my son to Las Vegas to visit my aunt over Valentine's Day (also my husband's birthday), I needed time to think and I needed to get away from everything. We got home around 2am on February 13th, I served my husband divorce papers on February 17th. He was angry at first but became very amicable at mediation and during our court hearing, he attended his son's birthday party on April 30th (although he hung out in my brother's room instead of with his son), and he attended our trip to the Wild Animal Park for our son's actual birthday (which he did spend with our son, surprisingly). During our trip to the Wild Animal Park, my husband was once again the perfect father and husband he'd once been. He stayed with his son the whole day, talking to him and playing with him, and he even gave me several compliments. It didn't change my mind, I'm still sticking to the divorce. It actually made me happy because I now think that we can actually remain friends despite this divorce and our past, which would be so much better for our son. However, I'm lonely and I get so depressed at times and I find myself missing the love and family life we once had. I took my son to the park yesterday, I evolve my world around him. My son is all I have left.

Thanks girl, I really miss having you nearby and Jonathan misses playing with Nicole. I'm glad we're able to keep in touch on a daily basis though, otherwise I'd probably be losing my mind!

Thanks. When I first filed for divorce, I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing. I don't want to take his son completely out of his life and I'm not trying to get revenge on him or punish him with this divorce, I just didn't know what else to do and I knew that divorcing him would give him the freedom he wants to be a teenager again.

Thanks for the support. I keep telling myself that I'm doing the right thing and, when I look at my son, I know I am.

Thanks to my best friend, Meghs, I have a good idea to help me put things in better perspective and, hopefully, get over my love for my ex-husband. I'm going to start a journal solely dedicated to him, I'm going to write every thought and feeling I have about him, every song, book, or movie that reminds me of him in this journal. Then, when she moves back here to San Diego, we're going to have a little bon fire and kiss my past with him goodbye! I think it'll be a wonderful ritual and a good way to start a new life for me and my angel. After all, we've made it the last eighteen months without him helping us out or really being in our lives... I think we'll make it just fine, in fact, I think we're actually better off without him too.

The thing that really sucks now is that Eric still has nothing to do with our son, he doesn't even call hardly ever to just ask me about our son. My son has seen his father a grand total of three times since our court appearance in April! Now he's beginning to ask those painful, heartbreaking questions about his father and I'm having a hard time answering them. Honestly, what are you supposed to say when your three year old asks you "Why doesn't my daddy love me?" because my mind just went blank?! I don't know how to answer questions like that and I don't even want to answer questions like that, I just want to take my son's pain away. Thank God he's so busy with other things this summer that he doesn't talk or ask about his father much, but still when he does it's always with a heartbreaking look on his face. Everytime I call someone or the phone rings, he asks me if he can talk to his daddy.

I'm glad that my son doesn't ask about his dad that often, things are easier when Eric isn't involved in them in one form or another. My cousin is dating this guy, Harley, who comes over like everyday and my son loves him; the best part about it, this guy treats my son as if Jonathan were his own. I asked him about it one day and he's reply was "I love kids and think they all should have a decent male role model so, when I'm around kids, I try to be a decent male role model" I told my cousin about it and she said that was great and we'll have to go out together one of these weekends. We did, we ended up going to the beach together and my son followed this guy everywhere, and I really do mean EVERYWHERE! We took turns burying each other in the sand, Harley took Jonathan in the water and gave him rides on his shoulders, we built sand castles, we walked around in the surf, Harley even showed my son how to catch those little tiny sand crabs that you have to dig really deep for. We had a great time and I told my cousin and Harley that I really appreciated what they did for us, we really needed a day like that. Harley still comes over everyday and he's always got something for Jonathan, usually it's a penny or a quarter to put in his piggy bank (the kind of coin depends on Jonathan's behavior: if he's good, he gets a quarter; if he's been mostly good but a little bad, he gets a dime; if he's been half good and half bad, he gets a nickle; and I'm sure everyone knows what he gets if he's bad!) Harley and Lisa recently took Jonathan to the drive-in with them, it was a nice alone night for me - I finally got that mess of a garage cleaned up a bit and the laundry totally done. They went and saw Cars, Jonathan loved it and was a good boy the entire time. After that, Harley is always asking when we're going to do something again or when he can take Jonathan to go do this or that. Since Harley's been doing a lot with Jonathan, my little one hasn't asked about his dad once. So we have a pattern now: my son and I spend all day doing whatever while Harley's at work, then he spends an hour or two with Harley before bed, then we spend one of the two days of the weekend together: me, Jonathan, Harley and my cousin Lisa! It's great and I feel like it's helping me get over some of my feelings about this divorce. I wish there were more men like Harley out there and that I can find one soon!