Spiteful Emotions

One of the things I hate the most about going through this divorce is the spiteful emotions that come around to bite you when you least expect it, usually when you're finally starting to feel pretty good or at least decent. I was feeling really lonely last night when Jonathan and I were cuddling to watch a movie. I was thinking that it would be so awesome if Eric could just hold me one last time the way he once did, then I'd really be able to let go finally. Then I started wondering when it was that he stopped loving me and stopped wanting to spend the rest of his life with me and Jonathan, when exactly did everything start going wrong, why didn't I see it at the very start, why was I in denial for so long, why did I have to lie to everyone when it was so obvious that everything was wrong... As I'm sure pretty much everyone knows, there was a whole tumble of questions running through my mind after that. I'm still not sure how my world came tumbling down around me the way it did or why I seem to be the only one who's miserable, I really don't think Eric cares one way or another. His whole reaction and everything was probably based on the fact that now he has to pay child support. I don't know when Eric started to hate me and be ashamed of me... there's a lot that I actually don't know about him now and looking back on things, I've been wondering if things would've been better if Jonathan and I would've gotten out of Eric's life a lot sooner. I let my son called his father on Sunday because it was Father's Day and you know, he never called back on Sunday after Jonathan left that Father's Day message. I'm not going to call him anymore either, maybe I'll let Jonathan call him once in a while but not often. I think he needs to make an actual effort to be part of his son's life, he's doing a good job of missing most of it though. It seems like everytime I start feeling like I'm finally getting over everything, something slaps me in the face with a reminder of how good it once was and then I start wondering all over again how everything went so wrong. I still get that feeling every so often that I'm totally lost and have no idea where to go or what to do next, like I'm just totally helpless or something. Most of the time I just ignore it but that doesn't make it go away, it just comes back later and a lot stronger. I hate feeling so depressed and like everything in my life is centered on Eric. Yes, at one point in time, my life evolved around him but not anymore. So why does it sometimes feel like he's the sun in my life and now all the light is gone because he's not here anymore? I hate feeling totally helpless, lost, and like I have no idea where I'm going or what to do. I try to keep myself as busy as possible because then I have no time to think about it, but then it hits me a lot harder at night when I'm more vulnerable. I don't know what to do there because I lose whether I think about it or not. Why does love have to hurt so much? Why does everything have to be so hard now? The other thing that bothers me is how long it takes to get over stuff. It's like as soon as I get over one thing, something else comes up that I have to deal with. Like love songs/movies/books, I can finally listen to/watch/read them without even thinking about Eric or anything having to do with him. Now it's seeing other couples so happy and cuddling, so obviously in love and... I hate people. I'm starting to believe that it's better to be alone, at least then no one can hurt you. I seriously hate feeling so depressed, thankfully I'm okay most of the time. Court is going to suck because I don't want to screw Eric over or anything but at the same time, he needs to be responsible for once in his life and take care of his son. I'm going to tell them everything, that he's not paying anything at all, he called me for money that one time, he's not calling at all to talk to or see Jonathan... I'm seriously going to tell them everything even though I don't want to make things any harder for him, I'm not going to let him walk all over me anymore. I'm stronger than I used to be, I know that. Okay, I'm starting to feel better now. It sucks that I get so deeply depressed every so often but I think I can handle it, plus I'll get stronger after every episode. Right? Oh,there's this song that says it all. I totally feel the way this song says, I don't know the whole thing but the chorus is my favorite part anyway. So here's the chorus, this was the best part: "What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say, and watching you walk away. And never knowing what could've been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do." After listening to that song and seriously thinking about it for awhile, I realized that that is exactly what's been hurting me the most with Eric. By the way, that song is called "What Hurts The Most" by Rascall Flatts, in case anyone is interested in looking it up or something sometime. You know... I think I'll be okay afterall, it'll take quite some time to fully heal but I think I really will be okay. It may take a lot longer than I would like it to but I think that someday, I'll be happy again and everything will be great once more. My life evolves around my son now anyway, he's the new sun in my life. Although, he is starting to ask questions about his father that I don't know how to answer and it hurts, it also hurts to see that indescribable look on his face. We were at the park once and there were a few father's there with their kids, they were playing and laughing and just having fun with their kids. Then my little one walked up to me and asked "Where's my daddy? Why is he not playing with me?" I didn't know how to answer that and the sad look on his precious little face was heartbreaking. Yeah, this divorce is going to be hard and depressing, probably the toughest challenge I'll take on in my life - at least until my son grows up to be a teenager then an adult and begins his own life - but, hopefully, everything will work out for us and everything I'm going through now will be worth it in the long run.

It's good to know that there are friends out there to help me get through this, I honestly think I would've gone back to him or broken down in some way or something horrible like that by now if it weren't for my friends. All my family does is talk crap about him all the time, which doesn't necessarily help - especially considering that I want my son to hear as much good about his father as possible so that he can make his own decision about his father when he's old enough to understand everything. I've already decided that when he's old enough to understand, I'll tell him everything as honestly as I possibly can and make it clear that everything I'm telling him is also my own feelings and opinions, then he can make his own decision about his father. Although I am seriously hoping that Eric will get his act together soon, like within the next couple of months, and start being a part of his son's life. He's already missing out on so much of Jonathan's life and eventually Jonathan's going to reach that stage in life when kids don't want their parents around at all. Jonathan also starts preschool on September fifth, I'm very excited and proud. He's going to learn so much and start making friends and everything else, and his father is going to miss it all if he doesn't get his act together soon.
On the bright side though, I always feared being a single parent for numerous reasons... but now I see that I can do it and I'm actually a better single mom than I thought I would be. Meghan was right, I'm stronger, happier, and healthier without Eric dragging me down all the time. Thanks!