Anger and hatred

I have posted a great deal about the things my mother has done in the past, however, last night tops them all. The hurt and anger adn just pure hatred I feel at the moment I cannot even begin to explain. She called me names and brought things up from the past that had no revelance to our argument. She started out with one thing and then moved on to something completely different turning the entire argument into something that was "my fault" She brought up things from no less than 20 years ago. She doesn't seem to remember me ever saying I forgave her for the crap she did when I was little when I clearly did. Clearly sat there several years ago telling her I forgave. her. It went from her being p!ssed off at George for working and only making $12 an hour ( LONG story) to the fact that her mother sent money to get the kids a few things for Christmas ( that was NEVER asked of her and it was actually sent by my uncle, it was HIS money) Nothing was ever asked of my mother to do anything for the boys for Christmas. No, they aren't going to have a great Christmas, but At least they will have something. She was livid about all of this and it came out of the blue. She was sitting there fine one minute and then just stormed out of my apartment and tore off like a bat out of he** the next. She came back. She asked me what George and I were going to make sure the kids had for Christmas that SHE didn't do for them. ( It wasnt her money and my Dad's parents are getting them stuff to open at their house Christmas eve) I told her, a roof over their heads and lights on. She got p!ssed at me for that. Said George wasn't trying and that he shouldn't eat dinner but save that money for the kids Christmas or.. something like that it was insane. Nope, he's not trying. He's at work every single day that there isn't rain, even on saturdays and sundays when they will let him work. He gets there on time and stays until he has to leave when everyone else does. He is there CONSTANTLY. He's not at home sitting on his butt doing nothing. She's really mad at my dad who is making $6.50/hr MAYBE 15 hours a week. I can understand her being mad at that. He won't look for something else, but it wouldn't matter, nothing makes her happy anymore. NOTHING. Unless Dad could find a way to pull in 3 to 4 thousand a month while staying at home with her, she will never be happy. She then moved on from that ( after I pointed out that George was in fact, not dad and was trying adn she apologized.. half heartedly after blowing up at him infront of the kids) to me blaming her for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life ( which I do not, and have not since I was about 16) to me not forgiving her for that period she was drinking every single day all day long. ( Which as I stated earlier, I had) She then proceeded to start accusing George and I of abuse, because Duncan's brothers mess with him and want his attention and won't leave him alone etc. And because we raise our voices to them and believe in spanking (as she did when I was little. If what we do is abuse.. then God someone should have arrrested her when I was a little girl) There was one point I couldn't breathe, couldn't catch my breath from crying so hard. She kept threatening to leave and all this other stuff. I wish now I had let her. She's also been threatening to kill herself. Half way through this..."conversation" She said there are times she sits there and stares at her pills and how easy it woule be to take them all if it wasn't for me and the kids and.. to be perfectly honest, the first thought that popped into my head was.."I wish you would". How bad is that? How can someone think like that about their own mother? How awful dos that make me? I just can't handle it anymore. And now I am terrified that if I do keep the kids from going over there, or if I hash this out with ehr anymore, or write down my feelings and tell her, that she will kill herself and then it will be all my fault. I've tried in the past and again last night when she brought it up to explain that yes, I can be cold and unfeeling at times because it tis the way I HAVE to be sometimes, it is the only way I can cope sometimes. She didn't care why I did it. She thinks I told her before I was proud of it. I'm not, I told her I'm not. She doesn't care. I tried to tell her that lately it was coming across that no one was allowed to feel any certain way . But she was allowed to feel anyway she wanted. I know she's got this illness that messes with her brain. I get that, but this is more than that, this is my mother turning into her mother. This is just plain.. cruel. She was talking about "someone" taking the kids away from me. First, NO ONE NO judge in their right Mind would ever hand any child over to her. Second.. I have friends all over this country and I swear to all I hold sacred, she would never find us.

She's not right. There is more to her than her illness. There is another kind of mental illness going on with her and I am terrified to do anything about it. She hates. She hates everything and everyone. And now, because of all she said last night, I hate. I hate her. There are few people in my life I have ever actually Hated. I believe that is an extremely strong word and I don't use it lightly. But I hate her.
I miss my mother in law. I miss her so bad right now. I don't have a mother figure anymore and I haven't had one for a while. Thanksgiving was so good with my mom. The weekend we went shopping was so much fun, but I can't continue this. And i don't know what to do. I know I caanot hold all this hatred in my heart. I'ts not good for me, the baby, the kids, George. It's just not good. You don't have to reply to this. I just needed to get it out.

thank you Judy. Ya know a great deal of it has to be that if she can't be perfectly happy, she doesn't want anyone else happy. Without a phone I can't even call my bestfriend and talk to her about any of this.

Thank you all so much. I really needed your support today. It's been worse than he** on me.

To be honest, I don't know what to do. I know that in a couple of days, she will either forget what happened or just pretend it didn't happen. If I honestly thought she wouldn't try to kill herself, yes, I would have her out of my life in an instant. She's not a good influence on my kids no matter how much they love her. Thank you for letting me get it all out.

Thank you both.

Heather I'm not mad at you, I never am when you say what you think. You're right. I am trying to see things from her side, but I just can't. I mean, we need to work on not yelling at the kids so much, but other than that, she's way off.

They came over tonight to bring Ian home ( he spent the night because he'd been promised for a week that he could and I couldn't tell him no) They picked the boys up from school and brought them home too. Last night I offered to help them with $100 worth of our food stamps because they combined November and december and we can afford to help them when they have nothing. She was p*ssed at me because I take her shopping instead of her and dad just taking my card and going. She finally said ok, to me taking her shopping and then while I was changing clothes, told my dad nevermind and they were leaving. After about 5 minutes or so, He came back in and asked if I just wanted to get out of the house and I lied and said no, I needed to pick up some things too. So she finally agreed to let me take her. I guess it never once occurred to her that I didn't want her knowing just how much we had left on our card. It has to last us well into January and if she knew what I had on it, it would be gone.
I took her shopping, we were gone about an hour and a half she spent right at $100 and that was that. Why you might ask, did I agree to do something for her? Because they really didn't have the money for groceries and I didn't want her going hungry.
In the car she started things again and I told her to just stop it I wasn't doing it. She said something about hating to see people make me cry, well.. WTF does she think she did to me last night? She said she cried herself to sleep over what happened last night. You think I really freakin' care?
No, I don't. I hope this weighs on her for years. The things she said to me NO mother should EVER say and she can kiss my ass

Lenora, Thank you so much and you didn't upset me. My mom has had psychiatric help.. just not enough of it apparently. She's been just fine since all that happened. Nothing else has even been said. I knew that's what was going to happen. I am still extremely wary of her, and what she might do or say at any moment, but for now.. I am going to leave things as they are. She and my dad are going through a lot as a couple right now, and I am just trying to live MY life and worry about MY family.