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What would you do?

post #1 of 27
3/12/07 at 9:53am
Thread Starter 
Mike called last night and said that "I want us to discuss the possibility of the kids living with me. It doesn't have to happen now... I know it is a lot to take in, but I would like it to happen in the near future."
Of course my first defense was "They're my kids" and he came back with "They are mine too". I know that but I honestly don't think I could handle my kids being somewhere else. It's not like we live within minutes of eachother. Right now, we are 4 hrs apart and while I don't know where I want to live right now, I don't know that it won't get further away. I could not handle only seeing my kids a handful of times a year and I CAN'T afford to see them regularly with that distance. If it is something he doesn't let up on either it is going to get ugly with a fight over them or he's going to force me to live somewhere that I don't want to be so that my kids are close enough to see him on a regular basis.
And while the fact that I love my kids and can't handle being away from them is my main reason for not wanting this to happen, there are also other factors. Without my kids, I don't qualify for Medicaid and then how will I get health care? I'm not in a position where it is okay for me to go without for any period of time. It is also going to be a huge financial loss for me. Not only will I lose my child support which is half of my entire income but will he want me to pay?
I am so stressed over this right now and terrified of what could happen.
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post #2 of 27
3/12/07 at 10:04am
That's bull$hit, why does he want them? Did he say? There's no way in hell that I would let my kids go without a fight! I hope he doesn't force the issue.
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post #3 of 27
3/12/07 at 10:08am
Oh Elanie I hope that he lets this go. I can understand him wanting to see the kids more but to expect you to just give them up :smack: All I can say is I would fight him on it if it comes to that. I would try to talk to him and maybe come to some sort of compromise but no I'm with you I wouldn't give them up
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post #4 of 27
3/12/07 at 10:14am
First off, .

I wouldn't. I couldn't. Pure and simple. For all the reasons you stated and more.

And just what is his motivation, all of a sudden, to ask for them? That would have me a little worried.

#1--Is he still with that "know it all"? I don't think I'd want her having influence on my kids.

#2--I thought he was out of work, or looking for a new job, or something. How can he afford to have them living with him if he is?

#3--Posession is 9/10 of the law, per se. If he has them, then he can go to court and say "she gave them to me" and ask for you to pay.

#4--If he wants to see them more often, then I'm sure he's in a much better position financially than you are for coming back and forth to see them. It's not like you're on the other side of the country.

I'm not sure what to say, but I think I'd try to find out WHY he wants them all of a sudden.
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post #5 of 27
3/12/07 at 10:57am
Oh my gosh! I would be mad if Jamie ever called and asked me something like that. I would fight all the way! You are not going to lose your kids b/c you are not a unfit mother. And if he really wants to see his kids that bad he should move closer so he can visit with them some. I understand how stressed and terrified you are. I have been there and I still am constantly worrying about what if Jamie does something. Try not to stress too much though that is easier said than done. If you wanna talk just pm me.
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post #6 of 27
3/12/07 at 11:35am
I understand why you're upset, I know I would be. Just try and stay calm, maybe a good solution will present itself. I don't really know all the details, is he a good dad? I'm sure he misses them as much as you would if he's a good dad. Maybe a better visitation arrangement can be made so he sees them more often? Maybe he's just sad that he doesn't get to see them enough and if you set up something that might make him happy.

I know how much you love your kids and don't want them to be away from you. I'm going to that something works out to make him happy and let the kids stay with you. A custody fight isn't good for anyone, especially the kids.
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post #7 of 27
3/12/07 at 11:47am
Personally I would tell him to get bent. I would fight tooth and nail no matter what for my kids. Why does he want them anyhow?
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post #8 of 27
3/12/07 at 11:57am


Like the other ladies said, I'd tell him over my dead body... I hope it doesn't come to a custody fight!
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post #9 of 27
3/12/07 at 12:01pm
probably tired of paying for them, figures it would be cheaper to have them.

i hope this is just a phase he is going through and it is forgotten soon
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post #10 of 27
3/12/07 at 12:09pm
I think Andrea is right. I would tell him to
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post #11 of 27
3/12/07 at 12:50pm
In my opinion primary home is with the mother! no exceptions. I would offer up summers and school breaks to start and then interview the children and see where it all goes. I think they need a test run of a long summer there before I would even think about making that decision premenant.
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post #12 of 27
3/12/07 at 12:56pm
Oh hell no. Not after some of the things you told me about his living situation. I would fight and fight HARD. Call legal aid if you must, get your family involved. Do whatever you have to do but those kids do not need to live with him and his.."friend". I don't think they need to live with him at all. A nice way to try to deflect him might be, "No, there is no need to think about it, the kids are staying with me." If he wants to see them more, tell him to move his butt closer to ya'll. If a judge were to talk to your kids, he wouldn't give them to the man.
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post #13 of 27
3/12/07 at 1:06pm
He is only the biological father to Zach, right? So that would only give him legal right to him. I would fight it in court most definatly. The chances of a judge seperating the kids like that would be slim without cause. I would call womens shelters/groups and find out about them setting you up with an attorney.
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post #14 of 27
3/12/07 at 1:26pm
Thread Starter 
Yeah, he has no claim to Haley at all... he still wants her. I know (and I'm sure he does) that he would have no case at all when it comes to her but that doesn't mean he won't keep pressing me to allow it.
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post #15 of 27
3/12/07 at 2:07pm
oh wow, I never realized he wasn't Haley's biological dad. He doesn't have any right to even ask that of you then. It definitely doesn't sound like he's trying to be a better dad. He's just trying to be controlling.
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post #16 of 27
3/12/07 at 5:38pm
Granting him more visitation is probably the safest thing to do. That way he sees them more while you remain primary. And if he did end up with just Zach (as your other 2 kids are not his), would your Medicare still be revoked? As far as child support goes, you need to find a way to not be dependent on it incase it stops coming for whatever reason, his stupidity or the fact that he isn't making an income either.
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post #17 of 27
3/12/07 at 6:48pm
Thread Starter 
I spoke with him a few hours ago just because it was driving me crazy.
I personally feel like I'm being more than reasonable with my offers for visitation and to also help with transportation... NOW he is saying that certain things we discussed in the past are inconvenient for him because of his new job and the process of buying a house that they are going through. He doesn't want to take them for the summer like we had planned and it also seems that he doesn't want them this school year but the next. He's pretty adament about wanting the kids to live with him but doesn't seem to up for compromise or for any suggestions that aren't convenient to him.
I guess I'm not horribly worried about right now.
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post #18 of 27
3/12/07 at 6:52pm
Start writing this all down. Dates, times and the convo. If he's not willing to take them now why would he want them later? Having kids is not always convenient and if he can't deal with that why the HECK! would he want them at all.

If you don't have stuff in writing you need to get it. Keep it all filed away.
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post #19 of 27
3/12/07 at 9:06pm
Can you work out another arrangement like blocks of time in the summer and everyother vacation ect?? Fight, dont give up
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post #20 of 27
3/12/07 at 9:08pm
I should have read all the way through. Document all of it. Its one thing if the kids are older and can make up thier own mind but not when they are young.
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post #21 of 27
3/12/07 at 10:32pm
I really don't know much about it... but from what I understand, it's almost impossible to get the kids taken away from there birth mother. Hell - I've known people who've tried and it's taken YEARS... and that's when the mother has been in and out of jail and been a HORRIBLE mother.

I seriously don't think he has any ground. I think he's trying to intimadate you.
I would call a lawyer and just find out your rights. But I really think you shouldn't worry too much. (I know - easier said than done.)
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post #22 of 27
3/12/07 at 11:23pm
Are you kidding me? I'd find a good Lawyer and nail his @$$ to the wall.
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post #23 of 27
3/13/07 at 12:05am
Well, basically, I couldn't agree more with Shona and Kim.
I also think Andrea is right, and that Mike probably thinks he can come out cheaper by having them with him and who knows, maybe he is being sanctimonious, thinking he could do better. I am sure part of this is the influence of that idiot he is living with.
Dana is right, the less dependent you are on the child support, the better, for so many reasons.
Also, here's my 2 cents worth: I would fight with all I had to keep my kids with me. PERIOD. Sometimes, the mother isn't the best parent or the one the kids need to be with. That's not the case with you. They need to be with you. When I read your first post, that was my immediate thought--those kids need her! Even if he keeps pushing, I would not be overly willing to move close to him just to keep the peace. I would tell him that it's a two way street. He can move closer to you, or maybe y'all can split the difference. Bottom line is, he's right, those are his kids, too, and that said, why can't he make a little effort and do some compromising? I mean, afterall, he's the one who decided y'all needed to split up. HE created this mess in the first place. UGH! Give me his number. I want to call him up and tell him off right now!
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post #24 of 27
3/13/07 at 8:51am
Thread Starter 
Tammy.

Thanks for all the support guys.
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post #25 of 27
3/13/07 at 9:23am
This thread really got me going last night. It still really makes me to think about him having the nerve to suggest this to you. Someone needs to him, and I'd be happy to do it!
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post #26 of 27
3/13/07 at 3:32pm
Isn't he the one that left the marriage? Seems crappy to come back a while later and say now I want the kids. I don't think he'll win, and I would call legal aid to see if you can get help, and file for full custody before he gets a chance if you haven't already.
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post #27 of 27
3/13/07 at 4:32pm
Tara. I was just aout to say that. HE is the one that wanted out of the relationship, not you.

It's not convenient for him? Was it more convenient when you were in Ohio? I don't think so.

He's had money/job trouble, but he's buying a house?

And he doesn't want them now, but later?

Oh Puh-lease.....
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