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I really need some serious advice here....

post #1 of 29
4/16/07 at 12:13pm
Thread Starter 
I really need some advice on what to do with Connor.
He has the most horrible temper and flare ups when he gets mad or doesnt get his own way.
Yesturday at my dad and wifes house was horrilbe.
They way Connor gets is only with me, not when daddy is around. He wont listen to me when i tell him to quit doing something, he gets mouthy with me and he has even been shoving me and hitting me. He actually broke a blood vessel in my arm from kicking me yesturday.
This is how it started yesturday. We go to my dads and we sit down to watch Happy Feet. Connor starts bugging austin on the couch and wont stop, austin goes on the floor. Connor sits ON me, which i dont mind then everytime he gets up he jumps up and then down with his butt on my stomach, He wouldnt quite doing it. I tell him to quit cause it hurst, my dad tells him to quit, he doesnt. Then he starts this that and the other thing. I am trying to get him to quit. Nope he wouldnt. I take him into the bathroom to talk to him and all he did was push and yell at me. All in the meantime i am threatening to call daddy at home. No, No dont call dad. He doesnt want dad to know he is being bad. All of this while he is screaming at me.
Same stuff keeps happening. Then he starts sticking his feet in my face, when i tell him to quit he doesnt then i smack him on the butt, he keeps doing it. My step mom swats his foot and tells him to quit, he doesnt. More crap he is doing it going on but i would be here all day telling it.
I take him to the bathroom for a third time because is yelling and freaking out and hitting. Drag him to the bathroom and sit him on the floor and i try to get hime to calm down. (that crap with super nanny telling you to get to their level just doesnt work!!) He lays on his back and nails me with the heel of his foot on my arm, breaking a blood vessel.
I had it, i went and called daddy and he flipped out!! My dad grabbed him and put him on the couch and tore a strip off of him, not spanking, but yelling. I havent heard my dad yell like that since i was a kid. Did it stop connor, no. He starts kicking my dad. I am talking to Rich and telling him what is going on. Get off the phone with him and go to Connor. He is still flipping out. My dad turns to him and says "why do you have to make everything bad!" may sound a bit harsh but totally true. Honestly i wished my dad spanked him, but he didnt.
Took Connor to the bathroom again and he started to settle down. He wanted me to call daddy back and tell him he was going to be good. So i did and the rest of the visit he was good.

Connor is a VERY loving little boy, he is a mommas boy, but when he gets mad or in a tizzy his is a little brat. He is horrible. He just doesnt quit when he gets like that. It has to be his way or no way. I try to stay very calm with him when he is like this because then he just feeds off my anger.

I need some serious advice on what to do. I have done the time out thing, taking stuff away, groundings everything. I am at the end of my rope. LIke i said, he only really does this with me. When he doesn start with Rich, it ends pretty quick because all daddy has to do is yell at him and it is done.

I will take all the advice i can get!!
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post #2 of 29
4/16/07 at 12:17pm
Hmmm, have you read Magic 1,2,3? We had trouble with Aaron kind of like that, but he was 3 at the time and he would pitch his fit with anyone. We took away a lot of stuff and we stayed very steady, we never changed the rules or the consequences. GL
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post #3 of 29
4/16/07 at 12:51pm
I'm PMing you. We've been there, too.
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post #4 of 29
4/16/07 at 12:53pm
Jenn, to be honest, I would wear his butt out if he was hurting me. I would do it so George wouldn't. George will not now, nor will he ever stand for one of the boys hurting me physically. Ok, on to other things

Duncan is not quite that bad, but close (Not saying Conner is bad, just his tantrums). Duncna can be the most loving little boy one minute, but God forbid he doesn't get his way on something, and he's 7. We are getting him into anger management classes and therapy. Because he needs it. Nothing anyone does is helping, the who Nanny 911 may work for some families but not for us. I try to be calm and understanding and sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Duncan's issues are different. He's got four little brothers and feels like they always get their way over him. Trust me, They don't. He gets his way much more often. But he needs someone to talk to. We need someone to teach me and George how to handle him. Try something like that. Our county has it, not sure how Canada is set up. But they will teach you how to deal with these things and teach your child too.
There isn't a hug big enough because I get it. I kinda understand.
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post #5 of 29
4/16/07 at 1:51pm
Hon I know how you feel......Nick is a lot like that too...but mostly for me....although at times for Jerry too.....BUT not for anyoen else For our dayhome lady, he is as good as gold Makes me wonder what I have done to deserve the treatment he does to us.

Yesterday Nick got soap in the mouth because he was yelling, screaming and screaching at us, having a fit....we had enough. when he gets really bad temper tantrums I have turned on the cold shower and dunked his head under it. It does work at times (but not all the time) but i think its one thing i need to start doing more. THe cold water "shocks" them into taking that deep breathe so that they can try and calm themselves down.

You may want to talk to your Dr and see if he can refer you to someone that can help you. I have to get the name of the person our dr referred us to. Jerry was too proud to call for help before, but I think he is starting to realize that we need some help in learning how to deal with Nick and his temper and such, especially since he is starting to hurt me and Liz all the time (especially Liz)
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post #6 of 29
4/16/07 at 2:05pm
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much for you advice. I am so glad i am not alone. I was just talking to my mom a bit ago and I started crying telling her that I dont know what i am doing wrong. She said, nothing, that is just the way he is and it has to change. But how, how do i make it change?? Spankings dont work for him anymore. Rich has a huge thing with him touching me, and that is why Connor didnt want daddy to know. I feel like "what does this kid have in for me to treat me this way?".
But then on the other hand, he is so loveable with me, he hugs me and kisses me all the time. He is so close to me, and then when it is not going his way or he hears what he doesnt want to hear,he gets so angry. Rich has seen him be horrible, but nothing like yesturday.
Today he knows i am angry still with him, and that he is grounded. I showed him my arm from him and he didnt say a whole lot. I told him, "look what you did to my arm when you kicked me". I could tell he felt bad.
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post #7 of 29
4/16/07 at 11:18pm
You are definitely not alone. This was in Dear Abby the other day - http://news.yahoo.com/s/ucda/2007041...j2AcJL_6vNbbUC
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post #8 of 29
4/16/07 at 11:32pm
Oh yeah I forgot to tell you.....NIck is destructive too when he does not get his way....or when he gets angry He will throw things--ANYTHING.....if you are in his way, watch out He also breaks things.....he has broken 4 of the 6 drawers in our kitchen to the point where they can't be fixed....we actually have to rebuild them

Spankings dont' work for Nick either (although Jerry will still spank him). I don't spank him anymore (at least not unless he is seriously hurting himself or someone else).....I dont' know what to do. He won't stay in a time out, he won't stay in his room...I have tried the nanny 911 things and they don't work.....you are sooooo not alone girl
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post #9 of 29
4/17/07 at 9:05am
http://addadhdadvances.com/ODD.html

If you think this sounds like Conner talk to his PED. We dealt with this with Josh for 2 years before I broke down and talked to his Dr. We were referred to a child psycology center and took part in ODD classes for several months. At Josh's eval. he rated a 36 on a scale of 1-40(40 being worst), when we left he was down to an 8. ODD is almost always reflected towards the mother. No one believed me that Josh was so hard to deal with....they just kept saying it was typical, all 4(then 5 then 6 )year olds act that way.One day when I was almost 7months PG with Jesse, Josh almost kicked me down the stairs during one of his episodes. I almost lost it, in that moment I could have physically hurt him really bad, I was that shaken and angry. I literally tossed him in his room and walked out of the house and called my husband to come home. That night I called our Child services and ask about parenting classes, I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. The classes helped a little, but most of the stuff was what we were already doing. Then I talked to the ped and finally got answers and help.
Today Josh is almost 100% better. He still has his moments but we know how to deal with him. Between getting him(and us) the help and his Tae Kwon Do classes he is a totally different child.
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post #10 of 29
4/17/07 at 9:31am
Thread Starter 
As far as spanking goes. That is the first spanking he has gotten in sooo long. I did it after he kicked me. Sorry, there are consequences for his actions. ConnOr kicked my dad in the chest, dad swatted his butt.(didnt know this until yesturday).
With him bouncing on my stomach, did the "i like you sitting with me....." didnt work.
I am glad my dad stepped in because it couldnt be done on my own, he was way out of control.
I have tried the tickling thing, doesnt work when he is in that zone.
I dont beleive in locking him in a room.
I never said to him he was a bad kid or he was no good. My dad made the comment about making things bad.

Liz, im not being rude, so please dont take it as that. Just taking parts from your reply and replying to them.

Thank you Bridget, that article was very interesting.
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post #11 of 29
4/17/07 at 11:36am
There are parts of Liz's reply I so agree with. Spanking just doesn't work around here either. Though we do use it at times. I'm afraid of what they would do if we locked them in their rooms. Broken windows, holes in the walls, etc. I am so glad you found something that works Liz. And hopefully Jenn and I will too. I called our local mental health place yesterday and Duncan now has an appointment with a child psychologist or psychiatrist I don't remember. He is supposed to be one of the best in our area. Thank you Bridget for posting about ODD I will ask him about that when we see him. Jenn.. get him some help if you can't deal with it, get someone who can, someone who can teach you all how to handle stressful situations. I thought we could do it on our own. I learned we can't I finally gave in and called for help.
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post #12 of 29
4/17/07 at 11:48am
Wow I hope you ladies find something that can work for you. Trey is just starting to try to hurt me and I need to put my foot down and figure out something.

I hope you share your progress with this.
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post #13 of 29
4/17/07 at 1:28pm
The great thing about ODD is it's not something that they try to medicate. Josh's teacher thought he was ADD and said we should look into meds and I flipped out.The thing was Josh was only mild ADD, not what they would even offer meds for. I know life here is a lot better now, and Josh is so much improved. My relationship with him was so bad at one point I couldn't stand to be around him, I didn't want to take him ANYWHERE alone and I seriously disliked my own child. Of course I felt like the crappiest mother in the world and hated myself for the way I felt.
I hope you ladies get answers and soon so you never reach the point I reached before I got help.
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post #14 of 29
4/17/07 at 2:02pm
I have htought about locking nick in his room...but up here its actually illegal to do that, and knowing me and my luck, someone would report me..... I could never tickle Nick when he is like that, or Liz either.....they just get madder when you do that (I have actually tried it )
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post #15 of 29
4/17/07 at 2:32pm
Thread Starter 
Like I said we barely spank, and obviously it isnt working
I appreciate everyones input, I really do. I agree also with parts of Liz's reply and dont agree on other parts, but eveyone has their own ways that work with their kids and I am still looking for mine to deal with Connor. When austin was his age, he had a temper, but not like that. I always tell people I hope Connor grows up to be a lawyer, he likes to argue and it is his way, or now way! And i dont verbally abuse my children and neither do their grandparents, just wanted to clear that up.
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post #16 of 29
4/17/07 at 2:50pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liz&NicksMom
I have htought about locking nick in his room...but up here its actually illegal to do that, and knowing me and my luck, someone would report me..... I could never tickle Nick when he is like that, or Liz either.....they just get madder when you do that (I have actually tried it )
Yeah I thought that it was to. I have never done that to the kids. I have tried the tickling but when he is mad, that does not work.
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post #17 of 29
4/17/07 at 3:55pm
When I read Bridgett's response about TaeKwonDo, it reminded me that we were going through something similar with Cody awhile back. Granted, his aggression wasn't focused on me, but it was on his brother and sister. I was honestly afraid he was going to hurt TJ.

A big part of his anger was centered around issues he was having with school, which I won't go into because I'm sure you've read all the posts about his learning disabilities. However, we tried a few things until we found something he was particularly good at and enjoyed, which happened to be Tae Kwon Do. I was a little concerned about something so aggressive, but it has turned out to be the perfect thing. He's really excelling at it and at the same time, learning discipline from a different angle.

He's really calmed down a lot (partially due to TKD, the rest due to diagnosing and modifying his school work accordingly) and when he gets really angry, instead of hitting his brother, he goes to the punching bag.

Anyway, maybe helping him focus whatever his aggression is on something other than you would help??? Just a suggestion!
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post #18 of 29
4/17/07 at 4:14pm
As soon as she's old enough, we're putting dd in karate. Martial arts teach self mastery as well as self defense. That's a good idea, gals!

Plus any heavy physical activity really helps get the anger out.
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post #19 of 29
4/17/07 at 5:08pm
I was just going to suggest something like karate, tae kwan do, or other form of martial arts. My friend is doing that with her son because he can be quite aggressive....when she told the instructor her concerns about him getting more aggressive, he says that they tend to turn the opposite way. They learn better ways to focus and deal with the anger, they learn self control, discipline and respect!!

We are goign to do that with Nick when he is old enough.....
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post #20 of 29
4/17/07 at 7:21pm
It's just too darn bad they have to be six here.
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post #21 of 29
4/17/07 at 7:24pm
Thread Starter 
I called a bit ago to the one here in town. It is $139 start up and $139. per month on a 12 month contract. Thhat is a bit much so we wont be doing that. And it has to be all paid up front.
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post #22 of 29
4/17/07 at 7:26pm
Gosh! That's expensive! Ours was something like $65 down and $65/month. Do you have anything like the YMCA? Sometimes they are cheaper. Hope you can find something ... that's ridiculous!
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post #23 of 29
4/18/07 at 8:48am
I just sat and read all of this and have to say first off

Tessa went thru a very defiant period a couple of years ago, and was being extremely aggressive and hateful. Huge temper tantrums (although not quite to that level). At the advice of a friend I put her in TaeKwonDo... it helped. It helped so much that it was like she was a different child. I know the school she went too took children as young as 3. Jenn, I would see if they have a way to pay for one month on a trial basis? That's really high (we paid $65 a month). She doesn't do TaeKwonDo here, because it's 60 a month, for just 4 hours and I won't go there.

Like Liz said, you have to do whatever works for your family... and that is going to be different for almost everyone unfortunatly.
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post #24 of 29
4/18/07 at 9:23am
We had an issue with this and started sports and also started when I feel like Will is getting angry I have him draw or color or paint. It is a calming thing and sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. He needs an outlet karate,taekwando, sport, or etc. We also started a star chart and if you get so many stars you get to pick a even alone with parent or with the rest of the family. If they get 3 no star days in a row they get 1 week no game system (ps2, game boy etc) I hope someone gives you some info that helps
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post #25 of 29
4/18/07 at 9:25am
Thread Starter 
I talked to connor, he does not want to do karate/taw kwon doe. He is going to do Soccer!
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post #26 of 29
4/18/07 at 9:44am
I hope that really helps. I didn't have any advice since I don't have a child old enough yet. I really really hope this is it for him.
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post #27 of 29
4/18/07 at 10:17am
I hope Soccer helps!
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post #28 of 29
4/18/07 at 11:04am
Quote:
Originally Posted by simonne
We had an issue with this and started sports and also started when I feel like Will is getting angry I have him draw or color or paint. It is a calming thing and sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. He needs an outlet karate,taekwando, sport, or etc.
Why didn't I think of this till now? Trey starts soccer in the fall but I might need something till then.

It like Someone slap me
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post #29 of 29
4/18/07 at 1:40pm
I hate that they make stuff like that so expensive....the alberta government has started a program here for our kids and sports.....if they do an activity that is 45 min. long or longer i believe, then we get to use it as a tax deduction.....Starts for teh 2007 tax year.....so I can write off Liz's dance lessons......if we can find a karate class or something for nick, then I can write that off too......this is all to help our children get more active......they are even talking about changing it to include adults too...(which they should do to help get adults more active)
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