Could use some advice

I'm not sure what to do or how to take this. I'll give you the condensed version because we'd be here all day if I try to re-hash it.

You probably remember the incident with Jessica a month or so ago where she supposedly called a little boy the "n" word and then it turned into a huge issue. The school never did solve it to my satisfaction, but it was finally put to rest and everyone moved on.

The same boy that started that rumor has harrassed Jessi since day 1. He makes fun of her "mustache", her "uni-brow" and her buck teeth. Because of him, she, at the age of 10, has bleached her upper lip and had her brows waxed. A few weeks before the "n" word incident, Jessi got "counseled" for writing a HATE list. Are you believing this??? Out of 25 students in that class, 23 were on it. When the guidance counselor asked her why she made this list, she said they all think she's strange and made fun of her. Everytime somebody made fun of her or hurt her, they got a check on the list. VERY disturbing. Even more disturbing that they didn't tell this to me for several weeks.

We had a conference about it and honestly, I left there feeling like I was the worst mother in the world. All I heard about was how the counselor or the teacher's mother would say all these wise things which made them better kids, and in turn, better adults. Sigh ...

ANYWAY ... the other day, there was an incident in class. He "supposedly" called her a lesbian. She blurted out that she wasn't a lesbian, but he was. The teacher heard *her*. All the kids around her heard *her*.

She was written up and SUSPENDED for it. After I raised hell with the Asst Principal that nothing was ever done when groups of kids were surrounding her and THREATENING her, it was reduced to 1 day in school suspension. Still not happy, but they said a no tolerance policy was enacted the day before the incident. So I guess Jessi was the example. The teacher claims the reason she was written up was because she denied calling the boy a name. Whatever ...

I do NOT condone name calling of any type. I am not happy she called this boy ANY name. We're handling that at home. I've also had some issues with her being disrespectful, so she is grounded and each time she is disrespecful or ugly, she is writing 100 sentences. No phone or computer time ... no TV except for our Friday night family movie.

So much for making this a short story ....

Although I don't like the way the school handled the incident, I am not at all happy with her for her behavior. Anyway, part of her grounding was that she was no longer allowed to be in the Drama Club. It was that or piano.

Just now, I get this email from the head of drama club. This also happens to be the same person that I had issues with about forcing Cody to sing, so that might be part of my irritation. I'll post the email in the next post.

Good morning Mrs. Lloyd,

I co-teach the 5th grade drama club with Mrs. Duncan and as you know, we are preparing for our spring performance. Jessica approached me this morning and told me that she was no longer allowed to come to drama club because she got in trouble at home. First of all, I wanted to confirm that this is true.

If it is, I need to let you know that our performance is very significant to the school and that each drama club member has an important role. If she quits now, it not only affects her, but it will affect the other fifth graders in the group. i.e. Another student will have to learn her lines and staging. If you would still like to take her out of the performance, I will support your decision. I just wanted to let you know that she cannot participate in the performance if she misses another rehearsal.

Please email me back today if you receive this message. Since I'm so busy, e-mail is the best way to communicate with me. However, if I don't hear back from you by this afternoon, I'll try giving you a call. Thank you!

First of all, if she wants to confirm that Jessica is definitely out of drama club, then fine. But I feel like she's second guessing my decision.

Keep in mind ... Jessica is basically an extra. She has TWO FRIGGIN LINES! How difficult is THAT going to be teach somebody else????

And I see that obviously Jessica has not learned her lesson and is only telling part of the story. It had nothing to do with her getting in trouble at home ... this decision was made when she was suspended. The way I see it, if the school felt her behavior was so reprehensible that they suspended her, then she has no business in after-school activities, right???

Any adivce before I fire off an email to this woman would be greatly appreciated! Am I over reacting?

You know ... that was one of my arguments to the school. I can think of quite a few 'slang' words for lesbian that I would be much more concerned over. Lesbian is NOT a slur, insult, bad word. I'm sure that the word was used as an insult, but come on ... this boy has called her a "faggot" more times that I can count. That's far more insulting, IMO (does anyone else see the humor here that he calls her a faggot and she calls him a lesbian? I wish they'd at least get the genders right )

Oh well .. I guess this is really two different issues. One ... I need to figure out how to deal with Jessi and her lack of self-esteem. I've called and am trying to schedule an appt with a family counselor for that one.

Second issue ... this teacher seems to be second guessing my decision. I'm going to apologize for her having to do more work, however, I can't effectively discipline my child if I let her talk me into dropping one of the conditions of her punishment. We won't even talk about her falling grades, so I feel confident this was the right move.

And yes, she's pretty upset over it. She loved drama club, but truthfully, some of the threatening incidents actually happened during it, so I can look at that has having contributed to what has happened.

I talked to Mike about it when he called during lunch and he was not the least bit happy that this woman was questioning our decision. So I know I did the right thing and I just hope I word it much more appropriately than is going through my head right now ... BUTT OUT!!

That is almost WORD FOR WORD what I said to the VP!! To top it off, this kid is in trouble all the time for picking on other kids. I don't understand why HE'S not considered a bully, but she is???

Thanks all! I feel better knowing that I'm not totally blowing this out of proportion. Sometimes I just have to wonder if it's all me because I feel like I'm the only one with issues!

She actually will be in a different school next year as she goes to middle school. I've also scheduled an appointment with a family therapist in a few weeks. Hopefully she will help us figure out how to deal with all of this and maybe I'll even learn a thing or two. I just kind of feel helpless these days and Jessi is miserable.

Off to fire off an email to the drama club teacher that I stand by my decision. Thanks ladies!

You're fine Mel ... I asked for advice and I don't expect it to all be sugar coated.

I try to work with her on appearance, but what I find intersting is that she's not the least bit worried about her hair. She usually looks like she has a family of mice living in her hair, but then she's worried about her eyebrows.

As for spending enough one on one time with her ... probably not. I know that's something we need to focus on, but honestly, I just seem to be running, running, running. I know I need to focus on finding at least an hour a week quality time with just her, so you're not too far off base there. I guess we just need to set a date and time and do it. No excuses.

The EXACT same thing happens to us! And it has for years. She comes home crying, I call the teacher or stop by the school, and I hear "but everyone LOVES Jessica!" OK .. then why the hell is she crying and telling me the kids thinks she's strange?? Why does she insist on bleaching her upper lip and waxing her brows? Why does she have a HATE list for pete's sake??? Then when they find this crap, they call ME in for a conference and tell me they are concerned about her.

So why the hell weren't they concerned when she went to them or I went to them and said there was a problem with the other kids making fun of her???? Honestly Liz ... do you think that maybe our kids *think* other kids are making fun of them? Perhaps *they* are so self-conscience about something about themselves that they just imagine the kids are picking on them????

Sometimes I think back to when I first started at the gym and I was by far the heaviest person in there most days. I used to think to myself that everyone was probably laughing at the fat chick on the treadmill and making jokes about whether or not I was going to knock myself out. Truth is, no one ever said anything and most of the time, no one even looked at me. *I* was so self-conscience that I just assumed they all were making jokes.

ANYWAY ... we have an appt with a family counselor in two weeks, so if I learn anything useful, I'll be sure to fill you all in. Thanks again for the support ladies!

It's really odd because I have similar issues with Cody, but with everything he has going on, I expect that. The funny thing is, he can't pull that "they don't like me" or "they call me names" stuff on me because I've seen him in school. Literally .. he walks down the hall and kids AND teachers from every grade level say hi to him or high-five him. I KNOW his is all in his mind (at least most of it).

With Jessi, I just don't know. I've seen her at 'work' too and she just doesn't have a great track record with other kids. I'm actually quite excited to see if this therapist can help us. At the same time, I'm terrified she'll think we're horrible parents and have our kids taken away. That's probably why I've never asked for help before. I'm always afraid they'll say it's MY fault and that I have no business raising kids.

Hell .... maybe *I* need the counseling.

Anyway, I'll keep ya'll posted and hopefully we'll all learn a few things along the way!