Am I being a bad mom or teaching a tough lesson?

At her age? The exact same thing.

THe first time I took her to get what she needed but it wasnt something like not writing her words down. I think it was forgetting a book or grabbing the wrong one. But after that it was not my job to do that. They are told from day one at school they need to write down their words. I remeber hearing it at orientation. So for that I would not have done it. I would have done what you did.

Yes, you ARE a mean mom. And you did EXACTLY the right thing. I would have done the same. At Joey's current school, students are NOT allowed to return to school grounds after dismissal, even to get homework.

Sometimes you have to be mean for them to get the lesson. Someday, she'll appreciate it (certainly not now, of course).

i think you did perfect!

You did the right thing.

Infact, at the school where I used to work. (a private prep school) kids were not allowed to come back to school later in the evening to get forgotten homework or books.

And vice versa - kids were not allowed to get to school in the morning and call home to ask mom or dad to bring in their forgotten homework, gym clothes, sneakers, etc.

Yes, it seems mean, but it is the best way to teach responsibility. It also teaches them that they will survive when they mess up - even with consequences.

So don't feel like a bad mom. I think it is an invaluable lesson you are teaching.

Oh, and she learned how to solve her own problem by calling a friend and getting the words. How great is that!

You did the right thing. She was pretty smart to find the words and it probably taught her it would have been easier to just copy them down in the first place. Glad it all worked out.

I never let my kids call home to get somethey forgot. It's not the parent's responsibility to bring stuff left at home or for them to drive the kids back to school at night.

I agree. You did the right thing. I'm glad she found what she needed, but you're right. She needs to start taking a little responsibility for her own work.

I think you did awesome! I would have done the same thing.

And what a great lesson it was for her!

you did great... i would have done the exact same thing!!

I would have done the exact same thing that you did

If she thinks your mean, then she really wouldn't like me. I wouldn't have driven her back and she would have been in trouble for throwing a fit.

I have gone out of my way to avoid the kids getting in trouble by running around after them and achieved nothing until I toughened up and started making them responsible for their own actions.

I eventually learned that they would not get themselves motivated until I stopped running them to school so they wouldn't be late when they mucked around in the mornings, or standing over them to make sure their homework was done (help yes, but not constantly saying, now come on what is the next question, while they were trying to get out of doing it.

You did the right thing as far as I'm concerned, only you were smart enough to do it a whole lot sooner than I was.

Well... for me it would have depended on if this is a frequent thing or not. If it was the first time she has done this (and I don't mean this school year since the year just started) I would probobaly have emailed her teacher and asked for the list. If it has happened before I would have done exactly what you did. For instance Tessa habitually loses her lunch box... I have refused to drive to school to get it, or allowed her to buy lunch because she has forgotten it. If she forgets her lunch box she gets a bologna and cheese, carrot sticks and a juice box in a brown paper sack. No Hot Item in a thermos (even if the thermos is here) and no little extras in the box either. Since her favorite lunch item is soup or leftovers she hates it when I do this... The solution, so far this year the lunch box has only been forgotten once...
But you did the right Thing Haley needs to learn that if she doesn't write the words down, she won't have them.

You did fine. She shouldn't have waited until the last minute.

Liz, I believe I'm the only one that agrees with you- Yes they are still children.
Do you ask her when she comes home what her assignments are before you sit down to do homework with her? I would have to say that in this case I would not have emailed the teacher- I would have had Haley email the teacher and explain to her that she needed her homework and why she did not have it. By having her do this, it makes her have to take responsibility for her actions AND spares her the humiliation and detention for not having her lesson which could give her reason to lie to you in the future. I would never want to place my child in a position where they get a bad grade because they simply forgot something- Everyone makes mistakes, I'm glad she found her friends number.

You did the right thing then Elaine, without a doubt imo. I bet having to track down the words herself leaves an impact

I would have done the exact same thing to.

Humiliation for a dentention? I don't think forgetting homework and getting a detention is humiliation.

Also, you can't expect that a teacher is going to get an email that you send after school. They sometimes leave soon after the kids leave. They may not receive the email until the next morning.

Also, if I were the teacher, the last thing I would want to do is email words to some parent. Teachers often get bombarded with email and have a ton to do after school.

I only say these things from experience. I taught 7, 11, and 12 grades. I checked my email during my free periods and spent time organizing my room and getting ready for the next day after the kids left. Not to mention the phone calls I had after school on some days. Parents wanting to talk over the phone and not over email. My school ended at 3:00 p.m. and I was usally gone by 4:15 p.m. Kids are just getting home at this time.

Elaine, I think you did the right thing. It's one thing if this were not a continual problem or issue with Haley, but since it's been ongoing, you did the right thing.
If it had not happened over and over in the past, I could see trying to work it out, but in this case you were totally right, and she figured it out on her own, which is great.

Wow, how mean is that, really? Didn't realize that I would illicit such a harsh comeback. I didn't think I was attacking you - at all - and I never meant to.

I may be literal, but you are taking this personally and I, in no way, meant this toward you, Liz. You weren't the only one to mention email - and I wasn't clear on your humiliation comment, but now I understand, quite clear.

And, I don't know how old your son is, but Elaine's is in middle school, and I was answering her question based on that notion. The comment of me not being a parent of a 5th/6th grader offends all the people on these boards who don't have children this age. But, I have taught high school and middle school. I have seen the awful mistakes parents make with their kids, and I know what I will and will not do when it comes to my kids. Oh...the many stories all us teachers could tell!

I am providing a view as a former teacher. I prefer to see both sides of an argument. I wasn't able to check my school email from home. Not all schools allow it. It depends on the system the school uses.

Your son is going to have a different teacher every year, and each teacher will handle something like this differently. Most teachers, however, do not humiliate children in front of the class. I hope no teacher does this. If I did that to a high school student, I would have gotten nastier words than the ones in your response. But I don't believe in talking to ANY individual that way.

I agree with you, Kelly. When I taught in public school, I could not check my school email from home, and even if I could have I would not have. I had to draw the line somewhere. I taught middle school, which means that I taught over 100 students each day. That means, I had between 75-200 parents to deal with in any given school year. You can bet that I had a lot of necessary parental interaction each day, meaning phone calls to make, emails to respond to, correspondence to send in the mail. In addition, I was a department chair, which meant I had 9 teachers to oversee and an entire department to run in addition to planning lessons and having a personal life. I would not have had the time or desire to check email from home. I stayed at school late (5:00 or 6:00) most every day, and brought papers home to grade, but I made a point of never contacting parents once I left the school property. I had to draw the line somewhere.
Also, the VAST majority of teachers would never humiliate a student. Yes, there are bad teachers and some would do this, but let's NOT make the exception the rule. Most of us who teach do it because we love doing it, because we care about our students, and because it's what we believe we were made to do. Good teachers, which is what most teachers are, don't want to waste time or energy being needlessly mean and nasty, but I do realize that some people (including non-teachers) obviously do that. It all comes down to respect, and good teachers (good people in fact) just try to treat students (other people) with decency and respect.
So here's the deal, I would help my kid once or twice depending on the details of the situation (was she not feeling well that day, did she just forget or did she accidentally grab the wrong book/binder, was this something that didn't routinely happen, etc.), but I would not intervene every time. First of all, it's not our job as moms to protect our kids from ever messing up--I realize it's our inclination, but in the long run, we have to look at the big picture. One day, they are going to mess up, and we aren't going to be there to intervene. If we have fixed everything for them every time, then how on earth will they ever learn to deal with their own mistakes, even accidental or honest ones?

i think you did the right thing !!! she needs to learn to do things herself ...thats a part of GROWING UP !!!!!!!!!!!

I personally had a very difficult time with Brittany last year forgetting things and me covering her butt. She is in 4th grade now and I am drawing a line. Especially after reading Maree's responce. I don't want to be covering for her forever. Brittany has always known her mother was there for her to come through for her.

This year the second day of school, Brittany forgot her math book and note book. I was irate because we were starting this all over again. I told her right away... Get your MP3 player. I took it from her and told her she was grounded from it. She was bawling.

I settled down and we talked and she told me that if she got to school early the next day she could finish it before class. So I took her up to school instead of putting her on the bus. She got it finished and then she earned her player back.

I told her this will not happen again and that she will be in much more trouble if she does it again.

Elaine I am proud of you. I am so glad that Haley found a way on her own to solve the problem. Showing that she is starting to be responsible for her actions.

Liz I think you were being a little harsh on KeltoKel. She was just explaining it from a teachers point of view, and nothing directed totally at you. I have been in the teacher embaressing the student shoes and that is why I protected Brittany so much last year but I need to draw a line.

I am glad that Hailey found some friends that had the work. I am sure she will know for next time.
Also I am pretty sure teachers do have lives outside of the school. After school hours and they go home, I dont think they should be expected to deal with things on their own home personal time.
Austin has forgotten his homework at school before and I never drove him back to get it. He was the one who had to explain to his teacher the next day what happend. He just had to finish it the next day at recess, and he has never forgotten since. I understand teaching them responsiblity, but I am not going to go running everytime they "forget" something. I feel that they learn that mommy will be there to bail me out. They have to do either what Hailey did, try to find it another way, or explain to the teacher.
With our school systems there is no home work that gets posted online, so there is no way to check anything.

I really hope that you are the minority in the statement that you made here. I would hope that my daughters teachers would think of me better than just "some parent".

My daughters school has homework posted on their website. Each teacher has their own page that they list homework on, so thankfully we will have this until 8th grade, as long as they stay at this school, which is our plan. They are in PreK-4, so we have a long way to go.
I have also checked the high schools that they will be able to choose from to attend, and ALL of them have homework posted in some way or another.
(Accually, the highschools give the children a laptop, so they will definatly have access to their homework without having to write it down.)

(I am not talking about lunch boxes here, LittleBit is doing what I would probably do in that situation if it was a constant problem. )
I am also in the minority. I think that some other form of punishment is better than just shrugging your shoulders and not at least trying to get what they need. In my opinion, letting their grades suffer is NOT the answer. If my parents would have made sure that I had what I needed and made sure that my homework was done, then I would have done it. If my parents would have said that they would not get what I needed, then eventually I would not have cared about doing my homework because if they weren't going to make me do it, then I would have thought that they didn't care. If they didn't care, then why should I?
You can tell your kid that you care about their grades, but if you don't show them, then you can talk until you are blue.
If PJ and Emmie forget something, I will take them back to get it. (Just last week we were at a meeting at the school, and a Father was bringing his Daughter to get a notebook that she forgot.) I forget things at times and have to go back to get it. Why should I punish my daughters for doing the same things that I do? If it is something that happens constantly, then another form of punishment will be used such as no TV or music. Schoolwork is priority, it will get done no matter what.
Maybe if a child knows that if they forget something for their homework that Mom or Dad will bring them back to school to get it, but something of value to them will be taken away, that would have more effect than not doing the homework at all.

This is why I wouldn't have done it. If Alyssa came home and sat down to do her homework (right away is required in our house) and realized she forgot something - I would take her back.

In this instance I wouldn't cause it seems to me that she was putting it off for another reason.

Alyssa's teacher is available for contact up to 8pm EVERY NIGHT. We have her home phone and her cell phone - along with email and her number at school. I can't imaginae that I would ever call her at home (as I agree teachers have a life outside of school) I am happy that IF I NEED TO - I can have easy access to her teacher. I think kids would be more successful if teachers made themselves for accessable.

I never knew being called a "parent" would be so terrible. After all, that is what you are. Sorry you didn't like my use of the word "some" but I also wasn't going to use the term, "best friend."

Like Tammy mentioned above, I had 100+ parents to deal with in the upper grades. So yes, after a long day of teaching, and nights of grad classes (I was in grad school when I was teaching), and getting home after 9 p.m., you are "some parent" in my book. Some I knew well, others I never knew because they didn't say BOO. It isn't an offensive statement. The kids are who I knew inside and out - not the parents. But again, there is a difference between the upper and lower grades. I would put important dates on my web site, test dates, project dates, field trips, etc., but not vocab from each chapter. I always gave the kids time to work on that in class. However, at the beginning of the school year, I made sure all my kids had a "homework buddy" so that they could call someone if they forgot a book or were absent and had questions. This puts the responsibility on the student.

I fully support Elaine's decision. I wouldn't call it "shrugging her shoulders" at the situation. I think she made a good decision. And if she would have gone back to get that book for her daughter, then I also would have supported her decision as well.