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Parenting Style?

post #1 of 14
10/12/07 at 6:05am
Thread Starter 
So What is your parenting style do you think? Are you strict? Spare the Rod spoil the child? Are you permissive letting them do whatever they want?

This is just a discussion! DO NOT CRITICIZE ANYONE ELSE FOR THEIR PARENTING!
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post #2 of 14
10/12/07 at 6:14am
Thread Starter 
Okay... I'm gonna answer my own question. I think that by alot of standards today I would be considered strict. I say this because I teach my children manners, which I have been laughed at for doing btw. I make them say please, thank you, yes sir, no ma'am etc... This is just basic respect for others but there are people in my husbands family who think that this alone is too strict. I also make the girls do chores, and they do get punished for things.
Forms of punishment I use... A warning, then a time out, then a spanking if it's warranted (those are levels not for every single incident. I warn first, then if they dont' stop they get a time out, then possibly a spanking depending on whether what they are doing could hurt someone else or themselves). Tessa is also being fined money from her allowance at this point for simple carelessness... I fine her a quarter for leaving lights on, leaving things at school (we are back to the lunchbox problem again), being disrespectful repeatedly (meaning attitude!), etc... A friend gave me this idea, and I guess it is working. She has lost over half of her allowance this month for lights left on, but she is slowly getting better about it.
I don't really consider myself that strict, unless I compare myself with others. Alot of my friends are in the whole... I want to be their friend frame of mind. This doesnt' work for me... Don't get me wrong, I hope that when the girls are grown we are friends, but right now I don't think that's my job. She knows this too... whenever she starts telling me that I'm mean, or she doesn't like me I tell her... Good, not my job to be your friend, it's my job to make sure that you grow up to be a normal, responsible, good person. Then we can be friends. She can actually recite that back to you now... Another friend recently pointed out that she thinks I am stricter because i know that if the girls get into a lot of trouble it can affect Jim's career... the whole you can't control your kids how can you control soldiers thing... I'm not sure that is it, although I know that is part of it. I just want them to be respectful to people, and do the right thing. My Mom taught me basic manners, and i think they are important. Okay, so this is rambling but I guess it gives you an idea of how I parent.
I'm not a great mom, I think sometimes I'm not even a good Mom. But I am doing the best that I can, and trying hard to not make the same mistakes my parents did. I make sure the girls know what is good and what isn't, and that I love them. I also say I'm sorry when I make a mistake (like losing my temper and yelling).
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post #3 of 14
10/12/07 at 10:14am
I wish I had started off from the beginning like you Heather! I've been a laid back and permissive mom for years. When the kids were little I used "Do I need to tell your father?" and that worked well for me. He handled punishments. Now that it is just me, the kids don't really take me seriously.
I let too many things go for too long and although I'm starting to really put my foot down, allow less, and expect more, the kids seem set in some of their behaviors. I have a very hard time getting help with the house (without whining) and both of my older kids will talk back without a second thought. I've gotten better with immediate punishment for disrespectful behavior. My first act is always to send them to their room and if I get a snotty comment or a tantrum about that I'll usually spank. However, it doesn't seem to do much to stop the behavior next time around but we'll get there. I know it's going to take time, determination, and consistency.
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post #4 of 14
10/12/07 at 10:31am
I spoiled Alyssa for the first 3 years of her life. Don't regret it at all either. But I did learn a few things from it. I am pretty laid back in my paretning. Neither Kev nor I are very strict but we do expect things out of the girls. We expect them to use manners (please thank you etc) and expect them to show respect. we do make the girls Earn things now. They need to dobasic things like helping ot pick up the living room or put laundry away.

They get warnings and then sent to their room. Kate will stay there and play until I come get her (or she falls asleep) Alyssa will go there for a few minutes then come back and tell me that she wil listen (or do whatever it was she was supposed to) I need to give them things to earn allowences. They love $$ and they are old enough to help out more.
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post #5 of 14
10/12/07 at 11:47am
I think we are a little strict but not overly

we both agree that manners are very important, and have worked on instilling them from day one.

we give warnings for punishments, after a couple of warnings we threaten to take away a favorite toy... that usually works, if not, a time out and as a last resort spanking.

dh did something last night that worked awesome. held up one finger and asked logan what it meant, he said that was a warning, then two fingers, (i can't remember what that was) then three fingers and said if that finger is up then he is getting a spanking.... then started encouraging him to get ready for bed... let me tell ya, when two fingers were up and the third was almost there.. the boy jumped and got into bed it was funny to watch, and there was no yelling or idle threats

ok, now i am rambling, my basic thing is that i always said i didn't want one of those kids that has fits cuz they can't have a candy bar or toy at the grocery store, so far that has been working for me.
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post #6 of 14
10/12/07 at 11:48am
ok, just an after thought, Logan is 4 and we dont' really know what is working most days for him
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post #7 of 14
10/12/07 at 1:04pm
Heather, I parent a lot like you do. Dh was an Army brat, so manners are a big deal here too. We are kinda strict, we have a specific bedtime that rarely moves, there are consequences for bad choices, etc. We have always been this way and I think it has really made for an easy home. The kids know their jobs, and what they are expected to do and what happens when they don't. And my word, there are certainly no freak outs at the store. We did that when the boys were 2, we only had to leave a full cart of groceries maybe 3 times and never had a problem again.
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post #8 of 14
10/12/07 at 1:27pm
Thread Starter 
Elaine, first off secondly... don't think that means that we never have problems hon because we do. I just haven't had the option of saying do you want me to tell your Dad because Jim is gone so much. I do still occasionally do that if they are being really bad, and that always results in tears and remorse because nothing sucks worse than a phone in lecture from Iraq!

Andrea, I like the finger thing, may have to try that...

Here is the really funny thing about my kids and my parenting... forgot ot put it earlier. They behave like angels out in public, for everyone else. For me, I still get the tantrums occasionally at home and the back talk. Why they will do it at home and not out in public I dont' know...

Dana... So hearing you on the leaving a full cart of groceries or whatever and walking out of the store. We have done that a time or two (think once for each girl basically) and I have walked out of a restaurant before (Paid the bill on the way for food we didn't eat), that one was with Tessa and she was whining about being hungry and wouldn't stop, disturbing other people so we left (let me tell you she hasn't ever done that again and she was like 4)
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post #9 of 14
10/12/07 at 3:20pm
I think that overall Mike and I will be strict parents. We definitely will take a hard line on manners. We think that whatever your parenting style is that following through and being consistent is the most important thing. We don't believe in spanking.

We don't plan on an allowance either, a family just needs to pitch in to get things done around the house, he can earn money by going above and beyond what's normally expected or on special occasions. I never had an allowance either.

Obviously Gabe is too young for much discipline but he knows what no means already.

ETA: Heather I totally agree about not being friends with you child(ren). I can be his friend when he's an adult for now I'm his mother and sometimes that means being the "bad guy"
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post #10 of 14
10/12/07 at 9:59pm
We're strict I suppose by most standards. Me, more so, than Mike. With Zachariah, we utilize time out and then an apology for misbehavior with no crying or whining. Crying or whining means you're not ready to come out of time out. Apparently 1 or 2 minutes is an eternity to a three year old.

Noah is young for time out but he responds to no and redirection. He is still earning boundaries and lacks the ability to make decisions based on safety--climbing, jumping off stuff, etc.

We also stress manners and kindness. Two weeks ago we left a store because Zach was running and I asked him to stop and he laughed and started to take off again. Luckily Mike was with us and he took Zach to the car and by the time I got there after paying for the groceries Zach was promising that he'd never do that again and could we take him there next weekend to try again. It was just a store we go to every weekend to buy fresh fruit and vegetables but he doesn't like missing out on anything. The next weekend he walked right by the cart and helped out witht he shopping. Like Heather (I think) said, it only takes a couple of times of leaving a place for the kids to get the idea of what is expected. I do the same thing with my kids at school. You follow through the first few times and you won't need to in the future--at least that's the hope.
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post #11 of 14
10/13/07 at 2:23am
I guess we are pretty strict on most things and too laid back with others. We have this new system now though. Our point system And i give points rather.. generously. However, when I take them, I take them (most of the time) five and ten at a time. Points add up to .. 1 point = .5 cents. Or one minute on the computer. The weeks they get pizza fridays at school, they HAVE to have 60 points ( the three dollars the pizza costs) and I take those 60 points. So they are earning something. Though when and if they get to 0 they owe me one dollar. Can be paid out of money saved from other things ( they don't get an allowance yet) or they can do chores. MOST chores are .10 or 10 points. When they pay it back the value goes down. We have been consistent with this and this is the FIRST time we;ve stuck with something and so far.. it seems to be working. I give points when they do something they are asked without fussing about it. When they do something without being asked ( they get more) When they are nice to one another or to me. And I will give them 10 sometimes 20 or 30 at a time. They also get points for 100s on tests. They get them for As but they will get 50 points for a 100 (depending on the test) and MUCH less for a low or mid range A. That is NOT asking too much from them.. trust me. Not doing homework, getting tallies or pulling tickets at school, Loses points. I LOVE this system so far.
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post #12 of 14
10/13/07 at 3:49am
Thread Starter 
Shona... How do you keep track of that system with 5 kids? I ask because generally we start a system, and then I can't keep up with it so it gets dropped. How are you managing that with all the boys?
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post #13 of 14
10/14/07 at 10:37am
I am lenient, however, I have the most well behaved kids that I have ever met. Manners were taught from birth by me telling THEM please and thank you. They say thank you every time they are given something, no matter what it is, because I said it to them from birth. Very seldom, I have to remind them, and it is usually because their minds are on something else. They never say "no", they say "no, thank you." All because I said it to them first. I do not demand respect from them, they give it to me because I give it to them.
We have normal 4 year old stuff, like picking up toys and not putting things in the trash can, but they listen when I tell them to.
My kids were born well behaved and respectful. It's not something that I did intentionally. I get comments often about their manners, and all I say is that it has to be because I have given them respect first.
Of course, they are only 4, all of this could change very soon.
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post #14 of 14
10/15/07 at 4:55pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by LittleBit
Shona... How do you keep track of that system with 5 kids? I ask because generally we start a system, and then I can't keep up with it so it gets dropped. How are you managing that with all the boys?
I keep a sheet of paper on the wall in the living room, where they can see it, but can't get to it without a chair. I keep a pencil ( no pens) on the mantle.

Where they stand at this moment


Duncan 215

Logan 60

Ian 45

Duncan got a lot this weekend for helping me out with Kyan.
However, it has been shown that Logan will lose his quicker.

I write it down and THE MOMENT I say.."ok, you've lost 5 points" I go erase their number and rewrite it. Same with .."Ok 20points for.. straightening the living room to Ian because he wasn't asked to do it." I IMMEDIATELY go add those points. If I don't do it immediately, I forget. And trust me, They know how many points they have and what they can do with them. I am trying to break them of.. "mom, if I do this.... can I have.... points?" I am trying to tell them if they do it first, THEN I will give them more points than them asking for them.
Also, My kids are extremely polite. Just going back to what Heather said. We tell them, No thank you and yes please, etc. But we demand that they be respectful outside of this house more so than inside. They can say no. "Are you finished eating?" no.. "Go clean your room" kinda nos ya know? I think I confused myself and seeing as how I am sick I am going to stop here.
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