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Divorce

post #1 of 16
10/30/07 at 9:06am
Thread Starter 
Ok this question was posed to me by a friend on myspace and got me thinking. I posted it here just in case it turns in to a debate.

"Is it better for kids to be from a broken home, or to live in a home that is broken?"





As a child of both I can honestly say( for me personally ) it depends on how broken the home is. If the broken parts are a physical danger,or if they are teaching my kids things I don't want them to do/be/think when they are grown or are just making everyone completely miserable and unhappy then it is better to be FROM a broken home. There are certain things I personally promised myself I would never live with, and I won't let my kids live with them either. But barring those specifics(for me they are abuse, alcohol and drugs and possibly infidelity), as long as my kids are thriving despite the situation I would probably stay even if I wasn't happy, at least till the kids were old enough to understand and express their own opinion on the matter. If the situation is having a negative impact on the kids I would be gone.
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post #2 of 16
10/30/07 at 10:02am
This is hard, I kind of agree with you. Our church teaches that the only reason for divorce is adultery, however.. I'm not so sure I agree with that. I mean if there comes a time when you are just so profoundly unhappy, you won't be the best mom you could be, depression can set in and then that can lead you down a very dangerous path, not only for you, but your children. Children should not see their mothers ( or their fathers) so unhappy because of another parent. And trust me.. no matter how young they are, they see that. I think an unhappy marriage affects the children no matter what. No matter how hard you try to hide it.
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post #3 of 16
10/30/07 at 11:06am
I agree with both of you. My church doesn't like divorce, but I know no one would ever be expected to remain in a home where there is physical, mental, or sexual abuse, infidelity, or drug or alcohol abuse.
For me personally, if my kids are happy, then my own happiness is secondary. The only exceptions would be if I were being abused or if my husband was an alcoholic or drug user or if he were unfaithful.
Now, if my kids were being hurt in any way--mentally or physically, then I would be out the door.
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post #4 of 16
10/30/07 at 2:57pm
Three of my kids are from a broken home. They were victums of mental, emotional, and physical abuse. In their case, from is a hellova lot better than living in.

I was sexually abused by my step-father. Mom found out years after she divorced him. In my case, better from than in.
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post #5 of 16
10/30/07 at 2:58pm
just seeing another side of this debate....

so you would rather your children watch you and your spouse not talk, and not show love and you suffer, cuz i believe the kids see and sense everything.

some people do not realize how unhappy and lost they are until they are away from their spouse and look back at it.

so i personally, will stay with my husband even through adultery probably, the other things don't even factor in with us.

my point, gosh i dunno, i'm kinda lost today...
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post #6 of 16
10/30/07 at 3:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by AndreaB

so you would rather your children watch you and your spouse not talk, and not show love and you suffer, cuz i believe the kids see and sense everything.
Exactly.
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post #7 of 16
10/30/07 at 3:42pm
Andrea, I see your point, but I also think the flip side is that it's not all about husband or wife's personal happiness. If the kids are thriving and are happy, then that's what matters most, to me. The other thing is that I think it's good for kids to see us committed and willing to try and work on things rather than walking away when we are not happy.
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post #8 of 16
10/30/07 at 6:09pm
but what if you only think that your kids are happy and thriving because that is how you want to percieve things? the kids sense things that we never give them credit for.

i'm not sure what side of this debate i am on, however i think that there are more reasons to get divorced besides abuse of all kids or adultry. unhappiness and quality of life i think should be in there too. if both partners are unhappy, might as well go and get happy
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post #9 of 16
10/30/07 at 6:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by AndreaB
but what if you only think that your kids are happy and thriving because that is how you want to percieve things? the kids sense things that we never give them credit for.

i'm not sure what side of this debate i am on, however i think that there are more reasons to get divorced besides abuse of all kids or adultry. unhappiness and quality of life i think should be in there too. if both partners are unhappy, might as well go and get happy

I totally agree. There are more reasons for divorce than just adultery and abuse's. Those are horrible and I am sorry for anyone who has gone through it
Staying together for the kids is one of the worst reasons, my parents did it and it was horrible. Trust me your not doing the kids any favours. I agree with that is there is no love left in the marriage it is best to end it. Dont stay and fake it for the kids. Kids are smarter than you think they sense everything.

One thing I have said to friends who are going through things with their spouses. "can you see yourself living the rest of your life like this?"
I am sure god would want you to be happy to, whether your church agrees with it or not. It is your life, and you need to do what you have to do to make the most of it to make yourself happy, and your children happy.
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post #10 of 16
10/30/07 at 8:50pm
you said it better than i have been trying to Jenn!

i have not been there, but you have a great perspective
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post #11 of 16
10/30/07 at 9:08pm
OK I am gonna pose a question. They say children learn from the examples we set right? Wouldnt you want your children to see a good realtionship and learn from that rather then a bad one or even one where you are basically just roomates?

Everyone here knows my marriage was bad. Mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. I took it and when it turned on the kids I was out of there as fast as I could. Now I have spent 3 years pretty much single. No lasting relationships and very little involvement with the kids kids and my dating. Now I am in a wonderful relationship with lots of respect, trust, honesty, communication where both set of kids come first.
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post #12 of 16
10/31/07 at 12:03am
I think that in situations where there is not abuse or alcoholism, etc, where the parents are just unhappy for whatever reason, it's a personal choice and all situations are different. Kids are well aware of lots of things, including underlying tension and unhappiness, no doubt about it. That said, I think that most people who live in reality (and not in constant denial) can truly tell if their kids are thriving and happy and can judge if what they are doing is in the best interest of the kids or simply being done because they don't have the guts to move on. I think many people say they are staying for the kids because that sounds a lot more noble than saying they are staying because they are too chicken to leave or too afraid to be alone.
My other thought is that love is often a choice, not always a feeling. I think that if you can get along with your spouse, even if that person doesn't make you happy, you can find happiness and make it work, if that is your choice. I am not saying that is the right choice for everyone, but it can be for some people.
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post #13 of 16
10/31/07 at 7:58am
I was not in love with Ed. That was squashed along time ago by what he put me through. But I made the choice to stay "for the kids" Yes it was theasier choice but he also had me thinking I was no good and couldnt make it on my own with the kids and he also had me convinced he would get the kids. But the minute I realized that he was being abusive towards the kids too that enough to give me the strength to get out.

In my opinion I dont think love is a choice where your spouse in concerned. There is so much that goes into that type of relationship. For me it has to be a feeling to make me put the effort into that type of relationship./ I do think that feelings grown over time though. I feel it for wayne more and more everyday. Did I think in the begining when we first met that I loved him? No way.
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post #14 of 16
10/31/07 at 8:33am
Becky, I can't think of any other instances where love is a choice--I mean, I don't choose to love my kids, my friends (if they were jerks, they would not be my friends because we didn't take vows or make any promises to try to make our relationship work), my parents or my sister.
I am not judging anyone who is divorced--I have friends who are divorced, my own husband is divorced. The best thing you ever did was leave Ed. But what I am saying is that a lot of people think that they have to be IN love all the time, blissfully happy, etc, and if they aren't, then they are ready to give up and leave. I also think that there are degrees of personal happiness and personal unhappiness, and each person has to decide what he or she can and cannot live with.
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post #15 of 16
10/31/07 at 8:44am
I agree with that and think in a way we are saying the same things just in differant ways. I feel life should be simple. It was very complicated with Ed. It is alot simplier now. Even with Wayne its simple. Its the little things. This whole thing with him has been unexplanable down to the fact that the kids already feel it from us. I think not everyone is lucky enough to find "the one". I was guilty of setteling too. BUT you have to take from each situation and learn from it. It makes us netter people. It takes ALOT of work to make things work these days. People that are always searching for that in love feeling and dont understand life changes and you have to change with it to make it work are the ones that use divorce as an easy option in those situations. Alot of us do everything we can to make it work and use it as a last resort. But thats how they chose to live. Everyone has free will for he most part.

I want my kids to know they can wait for the one. They dont have to settle. But alot goes into a person being the one. Values, goals, intrests, ect. I got married before I knew what life was about. But I gave it my all for 13 years. Now I am just babaling. I have a hard time putting into words the differances in my feelings for Ed vesus my feelings for wayne. Its deffinatly more a feeling with Wayne then a choice.
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post #16 of 16
1/25/08 at 6:31am
Personally, I feel that there is NO reason to stay in an unhappy marriage. I watched my mom and my brother's dad stay married "for the kids" and I never saw 2 more miserable people. Then I got to see mom with the wonderful man she is married to now (and has been for almost 30 years). I got alot more from seeing what a "good" marriage is supposed to be than I ever did from watching Mom and Vann fight and be miserable.

If you have done everything you can to make your marriage work and to be happy in your marriage and you atill aren't happy - then it's time to leave.

As for ANY kind of abuse, I would never stand for it. The second it happened he would be gone or I would!
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