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Upset

post #1 of 25
12/9/08 at 1:13pm
Thread Starter 
I got an email from my cousin who I've seen MAYBE twice since I was.. 15 yrs old. She and I have emailed back and forth and can usually talk about things we can't with others in the family. This is an email I got from her today... and my reply.

Hey Baby -

I'm not going to say anything - I mean, you're a smart girl, you know the risks, you know the hell you're putting your body thru yet again. I love you - I want you to be healthy & happy. If having 1/2 children is what does it - then go for it. But you have to understand that those of us who love you are concerned. Not just for you physically (which is MY primary concern) but for your family financially.

I want to say something & then I will TRY to not mention it again, OK? I know what you guys go thru with wanting to keep trying til you get a girl... but after FIVE boys.. and how many miscarriages... don't you think God has given you your MORE than obvious answer?

Hunny - I love you. I know you may feel fine now, and I am THRILLED if that's the case. But because I know our family history, I am so damned worried about the LONG RUN. Baby girl... you HAVE to know what you're doing to your body here... and the consequences of these actions on your body once you're older.

I hate being the voice of doom, but I am soo worried. I can't help it.

I love you more than anything & think of you more than you know. I just pray for your health & happiness. Please, hunny. Take care.

Love you,

My reply in the next post.
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post #2 of 25
12/9/08 at 1:14pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Upset

I know you love me, and I know you are concerned. I'm guessing some of my father's concerns are coming through as well here since I have told everyone that if they can't be happy for us, not to say anything. And He hasn't really. I am trying really hard not to take everything you said and be upset over it. But I am pregnant and emotional so.. yeah. heh. Anyway, No I don't think God has given us His answer. No I don't really believe in birth control or sterilization. But at this point, having my tubes tied or a hysterectomy is the best thing for my body, so that is where I am going after this one is born. And just for the record, we did not try for this baby when it came along. And we were not "trying for our girl" with this one or the others. We wanted another child. Not just a girl. If this baby is a boy, then Praise God we have 6 beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, amazing little boys. My feelings are a bit hurt at the moment but rest assured I will get over it and this is not something I will hold against you at all, you certainly aren't the first to express your concerns.
See, I personally know nothing about our family history, because no one has ever told me anything. Yes, I know what pregnancy does to your body, better than most people do actually and yes I know what it has done, and will do to my body in particular. As far as financially... we were just fine before June/july when the economy more or less c ame crashing down. We were living pay check to pay check, but we were getting all our bills paid and still had a little left over for little things. My kids have clothes, more than enough clothes, they have shoes, they have toys, they get to go on their school field trips, they get special gifts and rewards for their behavior from time to time. We have enough food and we have diapers and wipes and all the essentials. Do they have everything they want? No, should they? No, I don't believe so. They have everything they need. Do I wish there was more money at the end of the month? Oh by all means I do. I wish I could just buy them something out of the blue, or take them out to dinner, but we can't, they know and for the most part, understand this. Once George is able to work 40 hours a week again, or gets a better job, we will be fine financially again. For now.. we are struggling, yes.. would I trade having even one of my boys for financial security? No.
As far as how I am feeling, I am tired.. alot. But I am alright. Other than my weight and my blood pressure, I am actually fairly healthy. Could I be better? Yes, of course, couldn't we all? The effects on my body in the long run.... I don't know. I don't really care. There is nothing I can do about it now and it isn't as if I would terminate this pregnancy for any reason, or would have terminated any of the others. No not all of our boys were=2 0planned, but they are here and as far as we are concerned, gifts from God.

I love you too and though I am upset, I am not angry at you by any means. But I will say this, and this isn't just for you, but for all who love me. If they aren't helping me out financially ( and they aren't except daddy and Pat sent money for me to buy Christmas gifts from them to the boys and from them to me and George instead of buying them themselves and sending them) Then my finances are none of their business. Daddy has helped me once, with something and we are working that out together, but it was not for the children, it was for me. Second, If people are not helping me raise my kids ( and again, trust me, they aren't) then how many I have is again, no one's business.
My body is between me, my husband, my doctor and God. And with all of that, I am sure I will be just fine.
This is the life I chose, this is the life I love and would change very little about it. I will eventually go back to college. I will eventually have my house where I can put up a lot of breakable and fancy things. But I am happy, My husband is happy and God is with us, in our marriage, in our family, in our lives and I have no doubt that He is our provider.

Again, I don't know if this came out angry or me being testy or what, I was trying to say how I felt and all without being that way. However, and=2 0please please please understand this is not just to you, but I am like this with everyone. I will never explain myself like this again. I don't apoligize for the size of my family and how I live. I have nothing to appologize or explain to anyone for any reason. I did this merely because You and I don't talk all that much and you don't know me as well as I wish we did. So.. now you know more about me than you did.

I love you so much. I wish you could come visit. My boys are amazing. And I would love to see you.
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post #3 of 25
12/9/08 at 1:27pm

Re: Upset

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post #4 of 25
12/9/08 at 1:30pm

Re: Upset

Aww . . . I think your response was perfect in the tone and what you said. You are doing the best you can for your kids and know that God will provide for you. We are about to have our 5th and sure we have people that worry about us financially and all, but like you, we are the ones providing for them and raising them so they have no say in how big our family gets. God is awesome and has blessed us both with large families. Love your children well and continue to be the best parent you can be to them - that's all God asks in return!
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post #5 of 25
12/9/08 at 1:40pm

Re: Upset

great response!!
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post #6 of 25
12/9/08 at 1:43pm

Re: Upset

Shona,

Don't waste to much energy even on family like this! The impression that I got overall is she's concerned but is trying to put you beneath her. Your response was well written and perfect in every way.
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post #7 of 25
12/9/08 at 3:28pm

Re: Upset

It sounds like she is very concerned. You are right, she is probably being the family voice, so talking to her may equal talking to everyone. Shona, I only have two daughters. We wanted girls. We were never trying for a boy. And people still said the same things to us as if we were going to have 20 kids instead of two.

Your response was perfect. Also, if there are some huge unknown health problems that run in your family, she should tell you what they are regardless of how many children you have. For example, if heart disease runs in your family, one child or 30, this is something you need to know. You know it cannot be genetic disorders or disablities, because your kids are all healthy and gorgeous. Now I'm worried for you. What in the world is so awful that you should limit your family size because of it? In my case I knew it was my age and MS. It's probably something like incontience which you're going to go oh. Yeah, I know about that. Even men get that and with one odd exception none of them have had babies.
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post #8 of 25
12/9/08 at 3:50pm

Re: Upset

I think you were very nice and it was well said. She ought to be grateful for your kind response because your lines near the end say it all:
Quote:
My body is between me, my husband, my doctor and God. And with all of that, I am sure I will be just fine.
This is the life I chose, this is the life I love and would change very little about it. However, and=2 0please please please understand this is not just to you, but I am like this with everyone. I will never explain myself like this again. I don't apoligize for the size of my family and how I live. I have nothing to appologize or explain to anyone for any reason.
And I agree.
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post #9 of 25
12/9/08 at 4:14pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Upset

Thank you ladies so much I love Dorothy Jean, dearly and she is the last I thought would ever say something like that, and though she has always been honest with me about everything, this just kind of floored me.
As far as our family hisotry the only thing I really know is that ever single member of my father's family, EVERY SINGLE MEMBER has adult onset diabetes.

Thank you all for the encouragement I really needed it today.
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post #10 of 25
12/9/08 at 4:23pm

Re: Upset

That is something you'd want to know and you do know it, so why the big mystery? I run into men with sevre diabetes all the time at the VA. Please take care of yourself (which I am sure you are), because I have seen this is a disease that can cause a lot of suffering.
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post #11 of 25
12/9/08 at 6:17pm

Re: Upset

Shona, It was very well said, honest and to the point. At the end of the day your life is between you and God. You are doing what you believe is His will for your life. Enough said.

BTW I only have 2 boys and get "When are you going to try for a girl?" all the time. My answer is: FIRST I have a girl in Heaven--which usually shuts their mouth right quick. Second, if God wanted us to have another girl he'd have given us one. We're perfectly happy living in His will for our lives just the way we are. I think your cousin meant well but sometimes it just hurts hearing it AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN. Just keep on doing what you know is right.
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post #12 of 25
12/9/08 at 7:14pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Upset

I could be taking better care of myself Lenora, but.. I also know that I am not hyperglycemic, I am hypoglycemic.. my blood sugar drops really low WAY more often than going too high.

Thank you Abby! I know she meant well, and you're right I just get so tired of hearing it over and over and over again. I am not one to usually explain myself, especially to my fahter's side of the family. I just say something witty or rude, and move on LOL.
Except for the time My aunt said... "don't have any more children, you're mother just can't handle raising anymore." That about got a 8itch slap. My mom took care of that one though by simply telling her she didn't take care of my children. I did, and that was when I was pregnant with Ian.

I try to take it all in stride and keep my mouth shut, but sometimes.. I just can't.
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post #13 of 25
12/9/08 at 7:47pm

Re: Upset

I think your cousin really was just trying to help, but why people think telling you that your whole life is wrong is helping I'll never know.

You could email all of the family you know feels this way and tell them that you have come round to their way of thinking, they are right, you were wrong but the kids need to stay in the family, you want to keep one plus the one you are carrying because two sounds about the right number of kids to have, so they all need to put their hands up and adopt all the others you can guarantee they will still be running at xmas time

I personally could never, ever have as many kids as you, Tara and even my best friend (she has 5 bio kids and a few foster kids) and Donna knows I think she is nuts, but that is for me, 5 kids would be to many for me personally, but I was happy every time for donna because that is what makes her and her husband happy and that is all that counts. And yes I did babysit the menangere a few times, usually when she was off having the next one, just as she babysat mine, and we were both convinced the other had it worsel She thought twins were nervewracking to take care of (what if she got them mixed up ) and I thought having 3 kids three years apart was horrible bc they were all in nappies and all on different schedules bc of age., but we were both happy that the other one was happy with her family.

I only wanted 1 child I was happy with one, then Des wanted to try for a girl (see, we really were trying for a girl) and we ended up with two more boys, you can't exactly tell them to put one back!. But I knew that was the beginning of the end, they outnumber us now
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post #14 of 25
12/9/08 at 8:00pm

Re: Upset

hon you are so right in what you said. Its your body, and your life. You and God are the only ones that have any control over what you do or what happens with your body.
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post #15 of 25
12/9/08 at 8:23pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Upset

Thank you ladies.

Maree, I might just email that to my family!
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post #16 of 25
12/10/08 at 12:44am

Re: Upset

Quote:
You could email all of the family you know feels this way and tell them that you have come round to their way of thinking, they are right, you were wrong but the kids need to stay in the family, you want to keep one plus the one you are carrying because two sounds about the right number of kids to have, so they all need to put their hands up and adopt all the others you can guarantee they will still be running at xmas time
Shona, this is what you should do! That is so good!

You know, Maree is right about all of it. Motherhood is so personal and parenthood is so personal and for every person what is "right" (as in the number of kids and parenting style and all that) is different. I told someone the other day that I always thought I wanted a bunch of kids (like 3 or 4) until I had the first one. Then I realized how stupid and clueless I am and realized that I should not have that many! I don't know how you do it, but the fact is, it's your heart's desire, and it's no one's business beyond that. I think you are amazing, personally!
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post #17 of 25
12/11/08 at 1:46am

Re: Upset

Your response was perfect, sweetie! Like Maree, I personally couldn't handle 5 kids (heck, I can barely handle 2!), but I have plenty of friends who have 3, 4 or more and they are happy, so I'm happy for them! Just like I am happy for you! I think she is just worried about you, is all. Maybe it didn't come across exactly the way she wanted, but she just wants you to know she is worrying about you. You did great in your answer!
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post #18 of 25
12/11/08 at 1:51am

Re: Upset

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like to me if she was just worried about you, she would have sent a message that simply said, Shona, I love you, and I am worried about you/your health. If there is anything I can do to help you through this, let me know. I'll be praying for you/your health. To me, her email sounded a bit presumptuous and a bit judgemental (maybe too strong of a word, but you know what I mean), and a little like she was reproaching you for having the nerve to get pregnant again. It was definitely presumptuous of her to accuse you and George of "trying for your girl" with this pregnancy. IF her intent was to show concern, which I am not convinced it was, she missed the mark in my opinion. I think a lot of people throw in the "concern" when they are trying to give someone a piece of their mind so that if it isn't well received they can say, "Oh, I was only saying this out of concern for you." That way, they can pretend they were being benevolent rather than nosy or judgemental.
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post #19 of 25
12/11/08 at 2:04am
Thread Starter 

Re: Upset

Thanks ladies.

Tammy... if I haven't mentioned it before.. I love you!

I agree, I do think she was concerned, but.. I also think that when she said something along the lines of.. sure have 1/2 kids... that is what really pi$$ed me off.

She hasn't emailed me back LOL.
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post #20 of 25
12/11/08 at 9:45am

Re: Upset

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shona View Post
Thanks ladies.

Tammy... if I haven't mentioned it before.. I love you!
She hasn't emailed me back LOL.
I love you, too, girl! (And I have your back!)
Maybe she is too stunned to type! She should have known better than to try this with you, but some people have to learn the hard way.
I think you were very kind in your response, so she can't say you were rude or mean or harsh.
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post #21 of 25
12/11/08 at 12:40pm

Re: Upset

Shona, well done response honey *huge hugs*
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post #22 of 25
12/13/08 at 4:36am

Re: Upset

Ok... So, I know I'm late responding to this but....
I wish Mom was still around Hon, you know she got all those type of comments about us, minus the email insert snail mail. They were obviously trying for a girl since they quit after me (insert huge rolling eyes here)... I wonder if she ever told anyone how she finally got her girl, that would have caused a few comments. I know she would have been supportive of you all, yes worried... because she loves you, but without the nasty comments.

I have always said, and will always say how many nieces and nephews you and George choose to provide for me to play with is up to you... I only wish we got to play with them more often
Jim and I get two different responses constantly from his family...
either
A) so when are you all going to go for that boy (like any person on the face of the earth really has any control over what sex the baby will be... if you knew how you could be a millionaire)
B) I don't understand why you all had so many kids (Insert more rolling eyes... we have 3 it's not that huge a number) with Jim gone all the time.
I don't think the whole family is aware of my decision to stop having children naturally, and I'm quite sure when the time is right and we start foster to adopt there will be a ton more comments made...
It is no one else's business how many kids you have, as long as you are taking care of them and you are. Yes, you all are not rich... Yes, you could wish for more money to provide more... but ultimately those boys have everything they need, and they are learning that love is worth more than money... and in that regard they are rich.

As for Maree's reply... if you send out that email you are gonna get two responses... one from your family (or lack there of... ) and I can think of two on our side who would say send some this way... only the sweet ones though :wink:
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post #23 of 25
12/14/08 at 12:54am
Thread Starter 

Re: Upset

Thanks Nicci and Heather!

SIs, you have no idea how often I wish your mother was still here. I wish I did have someone to talk to who has really been there.
Thank you for your response. And my family would run! LOL And as far as only sending the sweet ones.. well now, that just depends on the day. Today, it's Duncan and ONLY Duncan LOL.
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post #24 of 25
12/15/08 at 2:04am

Re: Upset

Wow, you were nicer than I would have been. You kept your cool and responded with class. I don't think she can say anything back to that without sounding rude.
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post #25 of 25
5/14/09 at 9:20am

Re: Upset

I think you were very nice and it was well said.
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