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Would You Be Offended By This?

post #1 of 24
1/5/09 at 5:27pm
Thread Starter 
Yesterday afternoon Shane and I went over to a friends house to drop off some things that she let me borrow for Logan while he was still in his imbobial stage.

While we were visiting, she had mentioned that Clayton(17 months) don't really talk all that much, and when he does he does its a very quiet dadee or he grunts.

Almost right then a red flag came up sayin he could have Autisium. I know one of you ladies (I forget her name sorry!) has an Autisic son and I also know another girl that has an Autistic son. The subject of Autisium has come up everywhere in the past year with there being so many childern diagnosed all of a sudden.

So I told her if it was Logan I would get him checked out to make sure that he don't have the warning signs of Autisum. She automatically was kind of shocked that I would even say such a thing, she is not really educated about Autisium and she said "thanks for scaring me" I told her that I didn't mean to scare her but Autisim is on the rise and it seems to be affecting more boys then girls. I gave her a few resources that are free to take him around our area just to be safe if she felt that there was something wrong or to even ask his ped. about it.

So we sat and chated about an hour after that and then Shane and I left no harm done............so I thought.

I loged on to my Myspace earlier this afternoon and seen that she posted a new blog. I seen that it was entitled "____'s Words" I thought maybe she was asking others for advice about him not speaking.....boy was I wrong. This is what the blog consisted of:

"Well I was a little worried about Clayton not saying much. He is 17 months old..and said only a few words..like mama, DaddEEE, and mam-mam. Last night he SAID hi, and up..so I am just ecstatic. They really do ..just do it when they are ready. Talked to the doc about it and he said that his brother does all the talking for him..lol. (not ____). haha.
So no assuming people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And NO he doesn't have AUTISM! ...no rumors PLEASE>>>>or you will see one PISSED OFF MAMA!!!!"

I honestly don't know what to think/do except for calling her out on her actions bc obviously this is directed toward me. It really aggravates me bc she acted like she was interested in what I had to say about it and didn't seem to be at all pissed off about it since we stayed an hour after the initial convo and when Shane and I were leaving she says the usual "you guys need to come more often, can't wait to hang out with you again"

Am I overracting? or did I cross a line by being a concered friend?
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post #2 of 24
1/5/09 at 5:39pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

I'm not so sure you crossed a line and i mean.. it would also depends on how close you two are. Would I have been offended, not.. really but maybe. I mean, there are MANY reasons a 17 month old doesn't talk a lot. For instance.. an older sibling, slight hearing issues, being "tongue tied" (which is an easy fix) or maybe they just aren't ready yet, or don't have anything to say. Teagan is 21 months old and though he does say quite a few things, very very few things are something someone else could understand. He's had ear infections all his life. He got tubes in his ears friday so we will see how that goes. But Yeah, I guess what I'm saying is yes, I probably would be a little offended because that was your first reaction.
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post #3 of 24
1/5/09 at 5:46pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shona View Post
I'm not so sure you crossed a line and i mean.. it would also depends on how close you two are. Would I have been offended, not.. really but maybe. I mean, there are MANY reasons a 17 month old doesn't talk a lot. For instance.. an older sibling, slight hearing issues, being "tongue tied" (which is an easy fix) or maybe they just aren't ready yet, or don't have anything to say. Teagan is 21 months old and though he does say quite a few things, very very few things are something someone else could understand. He's had ear infections all his life. He got tubes in his ears friday so we will see how that goes. But Yeah, I guess what I'm saying is yes, I probably would be a little offended because that was your first reaction.

We have been friends for quite sometime. As for the closeness part, not so much anylonger, just up until about three months ago we have started talking less, she has been hanging with other people so I mean were not at all as close as we once were.

Since you would be offended by that being me first reaction, would you then tell me about it right then or you play nice until I left, and the blog about it angry like that?
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post #4 of 24
1/5/09 at 6:07pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

I am one of the mom's with an autistic child. (Lenora's daughter and there's another son and I talked on the phone to the mom but damn it! I can't remember her name) It was a friend that said to check into it and I am eternally grateful to him.

Being told your child might possible have something on the Autism spectrum (and it's a very wide spectrum) is an extremely hard pill to swallow. Maybe your friend will overcome her fears (& ignorance on Autism) and have a serious talk about this with the pediatritian. Maybe not. Maybe there's nothing wrong. My baby brother had three of us talking for him and was going on three by the time he talked.

What I'm trying to say is that give her some time to digest this. I wouldn't take this personally. It's not like you said he IS autistic. You just suggested a talk with the doctor.
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post #5 of 24
1/5/09 at 6:44pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

KimmerRN's son and Dinapooh's son also have autism. So that is a fair number of us here. My sister's son is also on the spectrum. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what or where to get hurt. My dd stopped talking about that age. The sooner she gets her son help the better whether it is a hearing problem or autism or whatever the reason he is not speaking.

I can't speak for everyone, but most of us would probably say that early intervention helps a lot. Also with years of assistance under his belt, it will be easier to get him treatment through the public schools when he gets older.

Right now, she's in at least outward denial. She may be so angry, because in her heart she knows something is wrong, but has not accepted it yet. Give her some time, when she is ready tell her about Birth to Three (it may be Infants and Toddlers in your state). It is a free Federal program that provides services for kids with developmental issues. Maybe they could correct whatever his problem is before he is three years old.
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post #6 of 24
1/5/09 at 9:16pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

My 2 1/2 y/o son has autism.

I know your heart was in the right place. However, it is a very bitter pill to swallow when you even think something may be wrong with your child. It is a huge area of denial. Huge. However, she should speak with her pediatrician and just run things by him or her to make sure all is well.

On the flip side, if there are developmental issues, they definitely need to be addressed ASAP for the best outcome for the child. I was fortunate that I was really keyed into my son's eating issues, so I have had him in speech and OT since 17 months. During the therapy, they noticed sensory issues and later in treatment noted he wasn't progressing as he should and suggested seeing a developmental pediatrician. I had a nagging suspicion (sp?) for a while he was on the spectrum, however, you never want to believe it. It was so hard for me and I am an RN and the ST and OT are both friends/co-workers of mine. I could not imagine just having it said to me without knowing much about it.

So, I guess the bottom line is, don't be offended. It's a bitter pill to swallow & denial is a huge reaction to even the thought of it.
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post #7 of 24
1/6/09 at 12:31am

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

To answer your question, oh heck no I wouldn't hold on to it and then blog about it.. at.. least not where you could read it
I am the type of person who would probably tell you.. ok.. I guess that COULD be a possibility.. but I doubt it. If I was THAT offended, you would have left my house much sooner than it seems you did her. I would let you know up front I didn't agree with your opinion, not hide it.
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post #8 of 24
1/6/09 at 11:37am
Thread Starter 

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by knee cole View Post
I am one of the mom's with an autistic child. (Lenora's daughter and there's another son and I talked on the phone to the mom but damn it! I can't remember her name) It was a friend that said to check into it and I am eternally grateful to him.

Being told your child might possible have something on the Autism spectrum (and it's a very wide spectrum) is an extremely hard pill to swallow. Maybe your friend will overcome her fears (& ignorance on Autism) and have a serious talk about this with the pediatritian. Maybe not. Maybe there's nothing wrong. My baby brother had three of us talking for him and was going on three by the time he talked.

What I'm trying to say is that give her some time to digest this. I wouldn't take this personally. It's not like you said he IS autistic. You just suggested a talk with the doctor.
I was trying to explain that to Shane when he first started asking about Autisum. He thought it was this great big illness that childern could die from or just not be able to live a "normal" life. I corrected him telling him as you said it is a big spectrum, that not all Autisic kids are the same or have the same prob.

Since Logan is obviously a boy, and it seems that boys are more likly to develop Autisum, I have been trying to read up on things to educate myself to where I could possibly recongnize the warning signs.

Thanks for the inupt!
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post #9 of 24
1/6/09 at 11:42am
Thread Starter 

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grace View Post
KimmerRN's son and Dinapooh's son also have autism. So that is a fair number of us here. My sister's son is also on the spectrum. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what or where to get hurt. My dd stopped talking about that age. The sooner she gets her son help the better whether it is a hearing problem or autism or whatever the reason he is not speaking.

I can't speak for everyone, but most of us would probably say that early intervention helps a lot. Also with years of assistance under his belt, it will be easier to get him treatment through the public schools when he gets older.
That is kind of what I tried to explain to her when she said "Thanks for scaring me" She might take him to the DR and there is a hearing prob. That is all well and good I will be glad that is all that is wrong.

With watching her kids grow up without any probs or anything it just struck me as odd that he would not want/can't speak or just says very little. If there is not probs then good, but if he does fall somewhere on the spectrum it would be best as you said to get help early on so he does have the best chance to have a "normal" life.

Thanks for your imput.
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post #10 of 24
1/6/09 at 1:07pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

I too also have an Autistic 6 year old son. I can tell you and agree with Knee Cole that it's a hard pill to swallow. My OWN family was in denial until I just had enough and screamed at them one day. Then they began to see the light. I use to have a friend emphasize USE TO, whom had a child with Down Syndrome. I thought we were close and for years she never told me, but I knew! It was very awkward for me to know and not have her say anything or talk to me about it. We eventually lost touch when my son was born. I would love to get back in touch with her to now share my story, and tell her she's not alone!

Don't loose sight of the friendship because she is in denial about something you have no control over and can't change.
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post #11 of 24
1/6/09 at 2:24pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by KimmerRN View Post
So, I guess the bottom line is, don't be offended. It's a bitter pill to swallow & denial is a huge reaction to even the thought of it.
So would you suggest that I just pretend like the blog was never posted and never bring it up again? Or in an around about way leave like small things on my profile about Autisum?
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post #12 of 24
1/6/09 at 2:27pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shona View Post
To answer your question, oh heck no I wouldn't hold on to it and then blog about it.. at.. least not where you could read it
I am the type of person who would probably tell you.. ok.. I guess that COULD be a possibility.. but I doubt it. If I was THAT offended, you would have left my house much sooner than it seems you did her. I would let you know up front I didn't agree with your opinion, not hide it.
Thank you. That is the kind of person that I thought she was. Esp. since she don't like things talked about in reference to her in a way like this. That is why I was blown away by it bc it literally came out of left field.

Thanks for your input again!
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post #13 of 24
1/6/09 at 2:31pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by PICKME4BB View Post
I too also have an Autistic 6 year old son. I can tell you and agree with Knee Cole that it's a hard pill to swallow. My OWN family was in denial until I just had enough and screamed at them one day. Then they began to see the light. I use to have a friend emphasize USE TO, whom had a child with Down Syndrome. I thought we were close and for years she never told me, but I knew! It was very awkward for me to know and not have her say anything or talk to me about it. We eventually lost touch when my son was born. I would love to get back in touch with her to now share my story, and tell her she's not alone!

Don't loose sight of the friendship because she is in denial about something you have no control over and can't change.
I hope that our friendship will be ok. But like I said in another post, it came at me out of left field and really out of character for her to do something basically behind my back instead of just saying it to my face. I could understand that she would be in denial about something being wrong with her child, for the longest time the side of Logan's head was flat, but I couldn't see and if someone said something I thought they were nuts, until I looked at him in a mirror one day and it was as flat as a board. I mean I know that is not life threating or anything, but I can see where she would come from in the denial dept.

Thanks for your input!
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post #14 of 24
1/7/09 at 6:39am

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

I agree with Liz. You certainly didn't set out to hurt her, you were just being a concerned friend. Give her a call and talk it out.
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post #15 of 24
1/7/09 at 3:48pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

If I had a friend suggest something like that I would say thank you! why get mad when someone is looking out for your best interest!

I am sorry to say, but you friend sounds childish... You might want to have a talk with her and see what is up.
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post #16 of 24
1/7/09 at 6:54pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liz109 View Post
Why post something after she posted something.

Pick up the phone, be sympathetic, give her a ring and apologize to her. Tell her you saw her post (or blog or whatever) and tell her you don't know if it was directed at you, but if it was and you hurt her feelings, you're sorry. Tell her what you told us.

Tough love Liz tough love lol
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post #17 of 24
1/7/09 at 6:55pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Asiancracker View Post
If I had a friend suggest something like that I would say thank you! why get mad when someone is looking out for your best interest!

I am sorry to say, but you friend sounds childish... You might want to have a talk with her and see what is up.

Thanks for your input!
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post #18 of 24
1/8/09 at 5:42pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liz109 View Post
Why post something after she posted something.

Pick up the phone, be sympathetic, give her a ring and apologize to her. Tell her you saw her post (or blog or whatever) and tell her you don't know if it was directed at you, but if it was and you hurt her feelings, you're sorry. Tell her what you told us.
Exactly.
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post #19 of 24
1/8/09 at 6:42pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liz109 View Post
Why post something after she posted something.

Pick up the phone, be sympathetic, give her a ring and apologize to her. Tell her you saw her post (or blog or whatever) and tell her you don't know if it was directed at you, but if it was and you hurt her feelings, you're sorry. Tell her what you told us.
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post #20 of 24
1/9/09 at 2:16am

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

I don't think the friend is being "childish." I think that in all mothers, there is a fierce side, a side that wants to protect our kids from every possible thing, even the things we logically know we can't protect them from--and that sometimes makes us not want to think about all the possibilities, and the comment about her kid possibly having autism caused her to think about something that she didn't want to consider, I think she probably reacted out of fear and out of the fact that she was probably hoping her friend would tell her what she wanted to hear (which was, "He's fine, I am sure it's nothing serious") rather that what she might need to hear or consider, and while she didn't handle this the best way, I would not call it childish. This mom took a well-intentioned comment the wrong way, due to fear or ignorance or both, and to me it's understandable.
As the old saying goes, two wrongs do not make a right, and with that in mind, I would follow Liz's very mature and wise advice. If this woman is your friend, then handle this situation with her the way you WISHED she would have handled it with you. Call her and apologize and do your part to make things better and clear the air.
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post #21 of 24
1/9/09 at 2:19pm
Thread Starter 

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

I was going to give her a call today after I got off work, but I kind of wanted to get it off my chest now. I wrote her an email and just sent it to her. This is what I wrote:

When I seen that you posted a new blog about Clayton I thought that maybe you were asking for others opinions about why he only says a few words.

When I clicked on it and read it I was very shocked to find that you basically lashed out at me. I would have ratherd you confront me at your house when I was sitting right there in front of you then log onto myspace two days later and lash out at me in an around about way on your blog.

When I said that it you need to check for Autisum also when you get him screened that was a rational suggestion. I have a friend whose son falls on the spectrum, three ladies that I talk to online who all three have sons who fall on the spectrum. I am very aware of Autisum and its first warning signs.

Yes I may have said it too fast, but with me knowing four boys who all fall on the Autisum spectrum, the way you said "Clayton isn't talking too much being 18 months old" it just triggered me to automatically think Autisum.
I am sorry if I scared you in anyway. I know Autisum is a scary thing to think about. If someone told me that they thought Logan was Autistic and me not knowing too much about it, I would prolly be a little worried also
and not want to even suspect it.

But I surely would not have lashed out in a blog and basically aimed what was said at you, and make you out to be some monster who thinks the worse about everything. And I most certainly would not spread rumors about anything that concerns you. I can't even believe that you would think so little of me to even say that.

If you want to write back thats fine, if not that is ok to.
Stacy
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post #22 of 24
1/9/09 at 3:03pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Asiancracker View Post
If I had a friend suggest something like that I would say thank you! why get mad when someone is looking out for your best interest!

I am sorry to say, but you friend sounds childish... You might want to have a talk with her and see what is up.
Very easy for you to say.. now. Wait til you are the one in that position.

It's much easier for first time moms, or moms to be to say I will do this, or that, or won't do this or that. You have absolutely no idea hon just how protective you are going to be. And the slightest thing, such as someone suggesting something is wrong wiht your child, when they are not a medical expert.. well.. that is going to bother you greatly even if you don't think so right this minute.

I agreed with Liz, either drop it or confront her like an adult.

And I am sorry, but no. no matter how much you think you know about Autisim, you had no right to say something like that to another mother. Not that being your first jump. Teagan doesn't talk much and he is 21 months old. Would you have automatically thought autism about him? Probably. Is he Autistic? No, he's not. He had hearing problems that we didn't know everything about. It's one thing if there are other autism markers or if SHE brought it up to you. But you don't go around diagnosing someone else's kid unless you have a medical degree. THe first person I would have gone to would have either been my cousin who is a Pediatric Physician's assistant or Kimmer on here. Yes, there are children who are autistic. And yes, the ladies on here know a lot more about it than I do. But to be honest.. if YOU do not have an autistic child or a medical degree, don't diagnose friend's kids and expect them not to get upset.
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post #23 of 24
1/9/09 at 3:43pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Shona is right here. Autism has a lot of behavior markers as well. Not speaking is just one thing. My dd threw the most awful tantrums you have ever seen. I have heard of other children who did a lot of hand flapping, beating their heads against the wall, self injuring, etc. Dr. Temple Grandin (who is a famous autism advocate and has autism herself) said that some people with autism show a detactment from other people. Mothers feel like they really can't "connect" with their babies. Their children seem (and often are) more interested in things than people.

Since you didn't mention any social skills or developmental issues or serious behavior problems or just odd behaviors, although, I am not a medical specialist, I would not be given to think this child has autism. He may have some sort of auditory processing disorder where what he hears doesn't make any sense or have a hearing problem. Even developmental specialist have trouble diagnoising kids with autism. Autism, bipolar disorder, ADD, ADHD - these are all very similiar. Sometimes it takes a neurologist to tell these apart.

I know a lady whose dd is the same age as my youngest and her baby has cerebal palsey. I feel so bad bringing my dd around her, because my baby can do so much more than hers at the same age. I can also tell that her dd is sharp as a tack. That kid doesn't miss a thing.

When someone else's child is fine and another person's isn't, it's important not to rub their face in it. I'm not saying you are doing that, but she may think you are.

And some kids really don't talk until they are older and then they spout complete sentences. My grandma didn't speak until she was three and then she just started singing. This child may have a problem, or he may just be taking things in. Some kids are like that. They like to feel out the situation before diving in.
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post #24 of 24
1/9/09 at 3:49pm

Re: Would You Be Offended By This?

Also, your email sounds more defensive than anything. It does not sound like you are trying to make amends at all.
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