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My daughter is getting love letters

post #1 of 29
2/18/09 at 10:22am
Thread Starter 
... from other girls!
Let me start by saying that I love my daughter unconditionally and would have no (major) issues with her being gay/bisexual. HOWEVER, I wasn't ready to face these issues in middle school. I know it's naive but I'd like to think that my daughter is still a child and shouldn't be facing any issues at all with sexuality.
We talk a lot and she is very opened about many things but I'm not deluding myself thinking that she shares everything with me. Thank GOD, she hasn't learned to destroy or hide the notes she receives in school because it is such a nice way for me to keep tabs on her
Anyway, she recieved a note from a girl I've met a few times, stating that she was in fact, in love with Haley but that she understands Haley can't make herself feel anything or change the way she is and she hopes that can still be friends.
Wow, I can't imagine how hard it is to be a teenage girl in this day and age.
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post #2 of 29
2/18/09 at 10:24am

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

oh my.... I didn't realize they were that old already.
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post #3 of 29
2/18/09 at 10:43am

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

I applaud you, Elaine for allowing Haley to be who she is, and to be open with you about it- or most things anyway.

I too, couldn't imigine being a teen these days and having to figure out who I am. But I think 'these days' you start to deal with learning your sexuality at a much younger age because different sexualities are being more openly accepted.
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post #4 of 29
2/18/09 at 11:29am

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Oh my! At least the othe little girl knew she couldn't make Haley change but goodness that seems so young to be dealing with those issues
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post #5 of 29
2/18/09 at 11:46am

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

wow... i can't imagine having to deal with that already! for you and her.... she's lucky to have such an understanding mom.
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post #6 of 29
2/18/09 at 11:54am

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

I think you are doing great, Elaine. Robyn is right, people have always had these feelings, now they are just more open about them. I hope that means they'll be happier in the long run.

I have a cousin in his 50s who just came out to the family in the last couple of years. I can imagine the pain he went through all those years. Hopefully kids today won't have that pain. You're a good mom, Elaine. It's hard to have an open mind regarding our own kids.
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post #7 of 29
2/18/09 at 12:15pm
Thread Starter 

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

I haven't talked to her about this particular incident because I just found the note sitting on the computer desk this morning. (Not sure how I'm going to approach it) We have however discussed being gay, what it means, and that it isn't a "bad" thing. She has a best friend who hangs out over here who is openly lesbian. Haley is a very accepting person ... or as accepting as a teenage girl can be. (They sure do seem to think the world revolves around them). My worry is that she also doesn't like to feel like she is hurting someone and agrees to things she wouldn't otherwise. She disobeys me at times for no other reason than to not let her friends down or make them do something alone. Of course, it's never "her fault" because she can't control what her friends do.
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post #8 of 29
2/18/09 at 12:17pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

That's rough.
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post #9 of 29
2/18/09 at 12:19pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

I agree with Robyn, you are a wonderful mother to be able to be so understanding and supportive of her.

I didn't realize that childern that young could know their sexuality until I watched a Lifetime movie called "Prayers for Bobby" that was an excellent movie! Even though it was based around a male, I'm sure the thoughts and feelings are the same no matter what sex you are.

Good luck with this issue!
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post #10 of 29
2/18/09 at 1:14pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

I cannot imagine being in your shoes right now, but you are a great mom Elaine. And allowing your daughter to be who ( or whatever) she is, is wonderful. Most moms have this ideal of what they decide they want their children to be like. And too many moms can't think outside of that.
When you talk to her, I'm sure things will go really well.
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post #11 of 29
2/19/09 at 10:13am
Thread Starter 

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

I didn't admit to having found her note but I did manage to work us into a conversation about sexuality and the reply I got was "Mom, girls hit on me all the time just because I hang out with a lesbian. And even people who don't want to go out with me think I'm lying about not being gay." She also said something about not being able to tell who is serious because most of the "bisexual" girls only say they are because they think it's cool.
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post #12 of 29
2/19/09 at 11:12am

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elaine View Post
She also said something about not being able to tell who is serious because most of the "bisexual" girls only say they are because they think it's cool.
And the sad thing is, is that is a true statement. I read a blog on myspace a few months back that was talking about fake lesbiens and fake bisexuals. Apparently women and girls are acting like that are lesbiens and bisexual to turn men on since it is "every mans dream to see two women go at it" so women and girls are doing all they can to get noticed, even if it is kissing a friend evey now and again.

I almost didn't believe it until I was talking with a friend that is still into the clubing scean, and she confirmed it. One of her friends asked her if she could make out with her to turn some guy on.

Personally, If I had to kiss a girl to make a guy notice me, I would rather be alone.
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post #13 of 29
2/19/09 at 11:39am

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liz109 View Post
I still cannot wrap my mind around 13 yo's who are "gay" and especially "bi sexual". They're not old enough to know what "sex" they like!
That is SO what I was thinking!!!
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post #14 of 29
2/19/09 at 11:57am

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liz109 View Post
I still cannot wrap my mind around 13 yo's who are "gay" and especially "bi sexual". They're not old enough to know what "sex" they like!
OMG... I know.... I cannot wrap my mind around that one either!

Maybe it's just an "age" thing..... what I mean is you all know how horrible some kids can be at that age with teasing/taunting/being boneheads...... maybe they are just "messing" with her b/c of who her friend is? I'm just trying to think of what it could be.... not that I agree with that behavior, but I just remember how rotten some people I went to Jr High/HS with were.

I think just letting her know you are there for her & she can talk to you about anything would be the best route.

Good luck.
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post #15 of 29
2/19/09 at 2:03pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Quote:
Personally, If I had to kiss a girl to make a guy notice me, I would rather be alone.
Exactly! And what is wrong with these women/girls who think that is the way to get a guy? How pathetic. Sorry Elaine. Didn't mean to
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post #16 of 29
2/20/09 at 12:34pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Drew informed me seeral months ago that he is "bi-sexual". It was all I could do not to laugh. I explained to him that he is still exploring his sexuality and it is definitly NOT written in stone at this point in his life. He is no more bi-sexual than I am. But I asked him if he had ever kissed a guy - nope. Ever been attracted to one - nope. Then you're not b-sexual. I told him whe he is 18 or 20 and comes to me and tells me that, i willhappily accpet it. But until then, it's something he needs to keep to himself.

Where do they get these ideas?
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post #17 of 29
2/20/09 at 12:38pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Quote:
Where do they get these ideas?
Television, music, everywhere they turn sexuality is in their face. I mean, Katy Perry has that song about kissing a girl, and I read a quote from Miley Cyrus where she said she was "definitely straight" but if she was going to kiss a girl, Katy Perry would be at the top of her list. It's just everywhere, listen to the music, watch what's on television.
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post #18 of 29
2/20/09 at 1:38pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

I don't know. I had a serious crush on a couple of boys when I was 12. It never went anywhere because I was so shy. But I definitely liked boys at Haley's age. They just didn't seem to like me back!
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post #19 of 29
2/20/09 at 1:48pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

There's a big difference in having a crush on a boy and saying you are a lesbian or bisexual when you are 12-14 years old, though. I had crushes on boys, and yes, at an early age I knew what "gay" meant because my dad's twin brother was gay, but I never thought anyone else around me was gay, especially not my classmates, and I had no idea what bi-sexual meant when I was 12 years old, or even 14 years old. I remember when I was almost 17, a close friend of mine told me she was a lesbian. I was the first person she told and the only person she told for many years because it was just not something that was so "in your face" when we were teenagers. And no, that's not a judgement, goodness knows I am not anti-gay or anything like that, but I wish society would slow down already with the glamorization (if that's a word) of sex and sexuality, and no matter what "they" say, they market this stuff and push it at kids and it seems they do so with younger and younger ones all the time.
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post #20 of 29
2/20/09 at 1:56pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

I don't disagree with you, but I knew I was hetrosexual when I was 12, so I can see someone knowing they are homosexual at 12. People didn't talk about it so much then. Girls certainlly didn't call each other gay then. But to be hurtful boys did call other boys "fags" then. And I'm sure it did hurt. Teens and tweens are just plain mean to one another and I think they have always been that way. I know I came home crying more than once from hurtful things someone said to me.

This is an awesome book on helping your dd through tween and teenhood:

Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence (Paperback)
http://www.amazon.com/Queen-Bees-Wan.../dp/1400047927

I have read this book cover to cover and it really helped me deal with my own teenaged past. Elaine, your dd is a nice girl who only wants to be nice and have friends. You've done a good job. This book is filled with girls who make Haley look like the queen of sweet.
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post #21 of 29
2/27/09 at 7:11am

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

I just cant believe how young kids are to start thinking about sex or wheather they are gay or not. its just so different from when we were teens. my nephew is in the 4th grade and theyre already talking about sex ed with him. 4th grade!!! you did right eileen. like one of the other girls said that sometimes its all for the attention.. its just so sad how stars, tv music can get to a child
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post #22 of 29
8/15/09 at 9:21pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Quote:
Originally Posted by tailwaggers View Post
Exactly! And what is wrong with these women/girls who think that is the way to get a guy? How pathetic.
And what kind of guy would you be getting if that's what you have to do to get him?
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post #23 of 29
8/15/09 at 11:01pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seabeacon View Post
And what kind of guy would you be getting if that's what you have to do to get him?
You are so right, Pam!
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post #24 of 29
8/16/09 at 10:43am
Thread Starter 

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Well I'm happy to announce (not that I was unhappy) that most of Haley's friends are straight again.
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post #25 of 29
8/16/09 at 6:52pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elaine View Post
Well I'm happy to announce (not that I was unhappy) that most of Haley's friends are straight again.
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post #26 of 29
8/20/09 at 3:15pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

They are still exploring at this age, so I'm not surprised (although I'm happy for them if they are). Drew's crowd had 2 b-sexual girls in it. I've talked to both of them. One ofthem I'm pretty convinced is going to turn out to be lesbian, but we will see. I'm glad that his friends feel they can talk to me, tho.
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post #27 of 29
4/16/10 at 10:03pm

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

It blows my mind that they already know what these terms mean. When I was 16, my friends and I thought being bi-sexual meant that you had both sex organs.
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post #28 of 29
4/17/10 at 9:19am
Thread Starter 

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

It apparently was just a fad ... one that I think was fueled by the "I kissed a girl" song. Haley and all her friends (at 14) are quite boy crazy ... In fact, it seems everything they do or say is designed to get their attention these days.
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post #29 of 29
4/23/10 at 11:45am

Re: My daughter is getting love letters

Yeah, I haven't heard too much about it from Drew and his friends recently, either. Oh and the one friend of his recently just told her parents she is a lesbian. Dad freaked out and mom said whatever made her happy. LOL! This girl is 17, almost 18. Seems to me she knows whether she likes boys or girls. Drew just shrugged off the whole and and said it didn't make any difference to him. That's my boy!
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