Alcoholism?

I have a family member I am concerned is becoming an alcoholic. So I have been reading a bit about it. The person lives at a distance, so I am not sure what any of us can do more than we already are doing. I'm not sure how to start, so I'll just free associate and hope it makes sense.

It started maybe close to ten years ago when we visited this family member's home and drinking was going on and so was the pressure to drink. Well, for serious health reasons, my dh and I don't drink. But that wasn't good enough, the pressure to drink just kept up until, we left.

Since then, this tense situation over drinking has kept up even though we have made it clear we don't like drinking around our kids. Plus, it is to the point of not wanting to do things when we visit. I'm being to think it is because the individual can't drink.

Then about a week ago, we had a video call with this person and they were drinking during the call. That alone isn't so concerning except for the fact, the person was all alone at home all day and was going to continue to be alone through most of the evening. Plus, it wasn't that long of a call. Why drink in front of our kids when you know we don't like that? The person couldn't wait 10 minutes to slurp up? Ten or fifteen minutes is not long to hold off bellying up to the bar.

Our concern is this person is alone between 50 and 80 waking hours a week and they may be fighting lonliness with booze. We have tried and tried to get the person to get a job, do volunteer work, take in a foster child, go back to college, join a band, join Facebook, join a hobbist group, go to church, etc. And the person has done none of that and yet still expresses profound lonliness. I don't know how else to help this person and neither does dh. So we enlisted the help of another family member hoping she could get through when we couldn't. Of course, although, alcoholism runs like water in the family actually using the word "alcoholic" is completely taboo as is trying to talk honestly with someone about their drinking. Attempts have been made in that area and were met with a cold reception.

I know that a person doesn't have to be sloppy drunk all the time to be a alcoholic. What does make someone an alcoholic and how do you deal with it when you can't even use the words to help the person for fear of causing sevre offense and chasing the person completely away just because you made a slight hint at the words "drinking problem"? Do you just let them fall into the pit they are headed?

When my Uncle was heading into major drunk land, my mom and their other sister sat him down and had the hard talk and used the hard words. He listened and turned himself around and he's been sober for years. But then the words could be used and the person was receptive. This time this is not the case at all.

Re: Alcoholism?

I asked dh today, do you think your family member and his spouse never want to do anything, because they can't drink. And he said yes. They used to do things and alcohol wasn't such a big focal point. They don't have just a little bit of wine around their house. They have a mini wine cellar with several gallon jugs sitting around in the kitchen and the basement. We aren't talking a bottle or two, we are talking maybe 10 or 20 gallon jugs with several of them open. They don't put them away around our kids. So there's all these unsealed wine jugs sitting around. My kids aren't that strong, but I don't like it all this open wine is just sitting out there at kid level. They are very uncomfortable to visit. I don't think they would ever give our kids wine, but they are doing nothing when we come to visit to ensure safety. No their kids. Not their problem, but we don't visit them over it. We live several hours away. They have plenty of advanced warning to put their open containers out of kid range. This wine isn't in the fridge. It's right at two year old grabbing level. Our solution is not to visit.

If drinking is more important to them than family (which it apparently is), then to heck with them. We have other things to do than deal with a couple of drunks. You're right. I don't think we can help.

Re: Alcoholism?

My family is actually sober. We've had family members who've died in drunk driving accidents and ones with alcohol problems. But never to the point no one could say "Hey, you're getting a little out of control there." What made me finally realize there was a serious problem in this family was I used the word "alcoholic" and I knew I had committed a major faux pas. Dh says his family believes if no one actually says, alcoholism or drinking problem, then no one will have that problem. It seems a bit like putting your head in the sand to me.

We thought the reason, this person never wanted to go anywhere was money, so we offered to pick up the tab. Of course, we always pick kid welcome places, where the drinks are expensive (Red Lobster) or they don't serve drinks (Cracker Barrel). They are where there are interesting family friendly things to do, but they never want to do them with us - not even take in a minor league ball game. I understand not wanting to go to kid stuff, but a lot of people like visiting the state capitol or taking in a ball game. Not them. They want to stay home and drink. It's really boring to go there. Because we can't even get them to take in a movie or do anything fun. And their house is not fun!