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At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

post #1 of 13
5/31/09 at 10:57am
Thread Starter 
I started leaving Haley home for periods of time (so I could go grocery shopping or to the laundromat) about a year ago. She was getting close to 12 at that time.
Now at (almost) 13 I entrust her with her brother (very rarely Brenna ... I try to plan things around when she'll be at her Dad's house) and leave more often and for longer periods of time. Maybe it's not the ideal situation but I'm a single mother and I would either get nothing done or go crazy in the process if I had my kids 24/7.

Anyway, I'm bringing this up because we had an incident last night where I was made to feel like a bad parent.

I unexpectedly didn't have Brenna last night so I called Chad and asked if it would be alright if I came over and hung out while I did some laundry. It was about 8 o'clock in the evening and Haley asked if she could have a friend spend the night to which I said okay (more typical of me when Haley is babysitting ... a reward for a responsibility). Kayla came over (she is 14) and after Zach went to bed I headed over to Chad's house (about 4 miles away). I was gone 3.5 hours. I pull up at the house after midnight and Kayla's mom is there seriously pissed off. It seems the girls scared themselves (normal for their age) and Kayla called her mom. The mom did not know that the girls were alone and apparently had huge issues with it and drove over. She tells me she is pissed off and she never would have said yes to Kayla coming over if she knew I wasn't going to be there. Says she was worried about her daughter and I should be able to understand that since I am a mother too. I can understand that. HOWEVER, the girls knew I wasn't going to be home and they didn't say anything (apparently) and the mother never asked to speak to me. Kayla has stayed numerous times and I have never been asked to speak to her mother. If you are so protective that you don't allow a 14 yr old to be on her own for a while, get information before she does things.
The girls had the number where I was and I call and check on them until a time when I assume they would be in bed.
I didn't like being called out for the way I lead my life (a necessity in my situation) when she should have taken some responsibility as well for her own daughter.
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post #2 of 13
5/31/09 at 11:30am

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

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post #3 of 13
5/31/09 at 11:43am

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

gosh, that must have been so embarrassing!
I have done the same thing Elaine-especially at the old house where we had more room for company. I would always tell Zach to make sure his friend's mom knew that they would be alone and it was usually Jacob that stayed the night and I knew that she didn't have an issue with it, however. I agree with you that the mother shouldn't have had her panties in a bunch if she has never once asked to even speak to you before this instance. 14 is more then an appropriate age to be left at night for a few hrs.
So what was your response to the mother and btw, what were the girls scared about?
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post #4 of 13
5/31/09 at 12:36pm
Thread Starter 

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

One of the girls claimed to see someone out our back window (not completely unbelievable as we live in an apartment complex) but they ran upstairs and hung out freaking each other out until Kayla was scared enough to call her mom ... why they didn't call me, I'll never know.

I didn't have time to respond to the mom. I walked up and Haley started in on their "stranger outside" story so while I'm walking out back and checking windows to make sure they are locked, the mother called Kayla out front and spoke to her. When I opened the door and told them they could step inside (it was sprinkling and cool) she started walking away talking about how she was pissed and scared for her daughter's safety and she'd never have let Kayla stay if she knew they'd be alone. I was just kinda left standing there. The way she was talking it sounded as if she believed I was out partying on a Saturday night with no care at all what was going on at my house. That was the furthest thing from the truth and I didn't even get a chance to say "Hey, wait a minute" and defend myself before she stormed off.
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post #5 of 13
5/31/09 at 2:56pm

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

Sounds like she had her mind made up what happened before you got there. Some people are impossible to deal with.
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post #6 of 13
5/31/09 at 3:10pm

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

The way I look at it, the mom is totally blowing it all out of proportion. I think that 14 year olds (especially a 13 and 14 year old together) should be able to be alone providing that they have someone that they can call if they have any issues. We have babysitters that are 14 that we use.....we even have a 12 year old that we use (but only if we know that there is a neighbor close by she can call if she has any issues)
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post #7 of 13
5/31/09 at 4:07pm
Thread Starter 

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

Yea, I guess my thing is if you don't want your child doing certain things than you need to be more involved with the situation ... Don't send your child off and trust that other people have the same rules you do.
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post #8 of 13
6/1/09 at 7:19am

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

I may be wrong... but I'm wondering if this Mom was just pissed because her plans for the evening got screwed up.
Don't get me wrong... I would be pissed if Tessa was at someone's house unsupervised without me knowing about it, but I would be pissed at TESSA for not telling me that, or myself for not checking.... not with the other Mom.
If she was such a protective mother, as she tries to make out... why has she never before called to chat with you. This girl has spent the night at your house many times... so for her to not have ever talked to you before... reeks of BS for me!! I think her own plans got messed up and that is why she is upset.....

I will answer your question though... Tessa is about to be 10. She has been left home alone for short periods of time since she was about 8 1/2. (Bash away if you must)... She is a very responsible girl, and I have allowed her to stay home a few minutes here and there when she wanted to. We have neighbor's who are home, and I was left home alone when I was younger than that. We were latch key kids, and honestly by the time I was 9 I was babysitting.
Now that she is essentially 10 (tomorrow) we have even allowed her to babysit her sister's one evening. (It was a test run... we were next door, she got to be in charge of putting them to bed etc...) and they all loved it and it went well. Some kids are not responsible enough to be left home alone at this age I know that... But Tessa is in my opinion. No one else can judge you for the way you raise your kids Elaine. You are a good Mom, and you knew what was going on... and she should have been more aware of what was going on with her kids. THat is her responsibility not yours....
okay... down off my soapbox now.
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post #9 of 13
6/1/09 at 9:21am

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

JMO, don't take this the wrong way because you did what you thought was right. Knowing how I grew up in the "ghetto" the real "ghetto" I would never entrust my children/teenagers to comunicate with another parent nor that the child to communicate with their own parent. Especially when Haley more than likely told this little girl that you were not going to be home. Why would she tell her mother????? Two teenagers get to be alone in someones house. I would also never take responsibility for another child without speaking to a parent. Had something happened Elaine you would have been blamed and responsbile. Please don't take that the wrong way but growing up and seeing what 12, 13 and 14 year old kids are capable of doing and knowing it doesn't just happen in the ghetto anymore....
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post #10 of 13
6/2/09 at 3:34am

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

I have been leaving Drew alone for longer and longer periods of time since he was 12. Now, I will leave him at night if we want to go out (but Bill is still here). I still don't trust him to watch Ally at night because they fight so much. Drew is not allowed to go anywhere unless I KNOW an adult will be there, but that is because I know what kind of trouble he will get into unless supervised. And he is NEVER allowed to have people in the house when we are gone - for the same reason. It's the responsibility of the other mom to make sure someone (adult) will be there if that is a concern for her. It is for me, so I double check and talk to the parents. She should have done the same. NOT YOUR FAULT!
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post #11 of 13
6/3/09 at 1:32am

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

I wouldn't have been okay with that situation if I was her mother, BUT she should have talked with you and made sure you knew she didn't think it was appropriate for her child to be there without you. It's her fault and she had no right to make you feel bad.

Christian(15) and Michael(12 in a few days) can handle almost any length of time babysitting(not overnight). They are never allowed to have friends over during that time(no exceptions) and my neighbor keeps an eye out for suspicious behavior for me.
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post #12 of 13
6/3/09 at 1:08pm

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

I'm a pretty over protective mom myself. However, I would have asked first. Of course, at 14, I hope I am a lot more confident my dd can handle herself.
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post #13 of 13
6/4/09 at 10:13am

Re: At what age did you start leaving your kids alone?

It certainly sounds like the other mom blew things out of proportion. Yes, I can understand her being upset that you weren't there with the girls. But that's on her, not you - she should find out what her daughter is up to, with whom, and under what circumstances. Haley should have said, "Mom is going out for a couple hours to do laundry", and the girl should have informed her mother of that. Did Haley even tell her friend about this before her friend came over? Where did the communication break down?

Obviously, you won't be able to go do laundry if the girl comes over again. But if another girl is going to come over, and you may be out briefly, I would give all the details (in writing) to the other mom - just to C.Y.A.

And to answer your question, we've just started having DS come home to an empty house once in a while - just for an hour or so. He has a house key. He has the neighbor's phone numbers. When he gets home, he is to call me (or if I don't answer, call my husband at work) to let us know he's home. I was about this age when I started latch-keying (he's 9 - 10 at the end of summer).
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