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A bit frustrated

post #1 of 11
6/12/09 at 11:51am
Thread Starter 
First Id like to say that I love my step daughter to death.

Now for my rant.. She has zero discipline at home, shes 6 with the mentality of a 3 year old because shes allowed to do what she wants and is treated like shes an invalid. Its not because she isn't capable of doing things, because when she is made to do them here she does so begrudgingly, throwing tantrums, back talking, getting angry, etc. She has been on ADHD meds since she was 2, her father new nothing about this until recently. We are in a custody battle at this moment and hoping that the judge can see the mothers manipulative and psychotic behavior. Anyways, this is really challenging as I have a 6 year old daughter of which I am worried that she will pick up the same habits of my sd. I dont believe that my sd has adhd. My sd failed kindergarten and she will fail again if something is not done (of which hubby is trying his best now to do soemthing about it but is limited by legal matters). She cant speak plainly, cant write, cant read 3 word simple sentences.

Right now my husband and I are both really stressed and its really taking a toll on our family.

How do y'all deal with being a step parent to a child that has been mentaly held back by its mother? I know there is something that is not right with this child, but I cant put my finger on it. I don't know if it is something that the correct discipline training and patience can fix, or if its something more serious, like that isnt serious enough..lol. We aren't in the position at this moment to have her evaluated by a doctor or psychologist, and she never has been, only prescribed adhd meds per her mothers request with no real testing.

I really don't want to resent this child, nor the situation. I want to have my strength back of knowing that my family will get through this together and it will be OK in the end.

Sorry if this post is a bit confusing, its really hard to put everything down in writing. There are some things that I don't really want to say in open forums because there is a custody battle going on atm and I dont want there to be any specifics to pin point who we are.

PD
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post #2 of 11
6/12/09 at 1:36pm

Re: A bit frustrated

My daughter has autism spectrum disorder and sensory processing dysfunction. She used to exhibit many of the behaviors you mentioned before she spent 2 years in Occupational Therapy which helped loads. Now, she is indistinguishable from other kids in most ways. She stopped speaking at 18 months and never said another word until she was almost 4.

I know that you cannot have her tested because of the custody arrangement, but it sounds like she at least needs to be in speech therapy. Since she still has all the same problems she had to begin with, it sounds like the drugs aren't doing anything for her. As far as I know, there is no drug that cures autism or spd.

Here is more information on SPD:
http://www.spdfoundation.net/aboutspd.html

And about autism:
http://www.autismspeaks.org/whatisit/index.php

Several of us on the site have kids on the spectrum. I think I may be the only one with a daughter though. It seems to be more common in boys than girls. Autism is very hard to deal with especially if you don't have professional help and personal support. It sounds like the child is somewhat odd when compaired to other kids. Well, autism makes them different in ways that are not always socially acceptable. One thing my dd does which is not as odd as some of the things she has done like run around in circles with her arms flapping for hours is she classifies and organizes everything. It used to just be putting everything in lines. Now, she seperates all her things into groups, then subgroups, then she puts them all in a row and if you mess with them, she gets upset. She'll make a great scientist or librian someday.

Good luck in this situation. It sounds really difficult. We are here whenever you need to talk. Many of us have been through custody battles and/or have special needs kids.
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post #3 of 11
6/14/09 at 9:58am

Re: A bit frustrated

I don't have any real advice but there was a time that I was in a step-parent situation with issues that had me resenting the child ... it's a tough situation to be in. I just wanted to offer some support and let you know that we are here to listen any time you need to vent.
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post #4 of 11
6/15/09 at 5:38pm
Thread Starter 

Re: A bit frustrated

She was in speech therapy, but was pulled out before completeing it. She made great progress in it when she was there, that was a few years ago. She was about 2 before she started talking. She had occupational therapy at the same time she had the speech therapy. School wasn't informed that she had this therapy either. She will fail kindergarten next year again if shes not given the tools needed.

We are waiting on a decision right now from a court hearing regarding temporary custody. It has been several weeks. I guess its good that the judge is taking his time, but this wait is getting very old.

Thanks for the support, I really hope and pray that in time we will be able to have her tested. Getting her evaluated ASAP is top priority, as soon as the ability is granted. There is something not right about her that I cannot put my finger on.
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post #5 of 11
6/16/09 at 4:57am

Re: A bit frustrated

I have a DD w/ ADHD and yours sounds nothing like mine, and hers is severe. When you get custody, either her school or ped can test her for it. Have her school do a full spectrum eval on her. If anything shows up, they can point you in the right direction for either further testing or therapy. Good luck!
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post #6 of 11
6/23/09 at 8:22pm
Thread Starter 

Re: A bit frustrated

Thanks again for the advice. We got the new order and although hubby didnt get full temp custody, he got legal and shared physical custody, his ex was found in contempt, and the guardian at litem was granted . This is a temporary order, so we will see what happens in the trial, still dont have a date set for that.
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post #7 of 11
6/23/09 at 8:42pm

Re: A bit frustrated

*hugs* I hope all goes well.
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post #8 of 11
6/24/09 at 5:00am

Re: A bit frustrated

big hugs... I think the first thing as you said is to get her evaluated. I hope the guardian ad litem does this quickly. She obviously needs more than just a pill, and it really bothers me that they put a 2 year old on ADHD med without testing. Huge hugs and prayers coming your way.
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post #9 of 11
6/24/09 at 9:08am

Re: A bit frustrated

First of all, what a sad situation. I hope that you and your DH get custody.
Second of all, she needs to be OFF the ADHD medicine NOW. I don't know of any doctor who will diagnose ADHD at 2 years old. ALL 2 year olds are ADHD! It's the NATURE of a 2 year old to be hyper and have a short attention span. My understanding is that kids can't be accurately tested for ADHD until they are about 6 or 7 years old, and even some doctors won't test them at that age.
I think your stepdaughter is probably just fine and is not autistic or ADHD but is suffering from lack of parenting (from her mom) and lack of discipline and lack of guidelines, limits, and structure.
As hard as it is, you CANNOT resent this child. It's not her fault. Resent her mother, but NOT the child. She needs a lot of patience and love to get through this, and it sounds like you and your husband are her only hope.
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post #10 of 11
6/25/09 at 8:51pm

Re: A bit frustrated

ADHD can be tested as early as 2 or 3, but it has to be so severe as to practically be off the charts. Any doctor that would give a 2yo ADHD meds without proper testing needs their license pulled! Testing normally takes place once they are about 7 or in 2nd grade. Both of mine have ADD/ADHD and what your SD has doesn't sound like ADHD. At least not any that I'm familiar with. Both of mine have pretty severe cases.
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post #11 of 11
7/14/09 at 10:53am

Re: A bit frustrated

I am new here sorry to hijack but any doctor that gives psycho drugs to a toddler must be shot........there is no excuse for such medication to any kid. At any such age. Have you read the articles speaking of the vicious cycle of psycho-drugs and kids that grow up to drug depended adults only and only in the US? Have you thought why the docs perscribe such hard meds to so small children? Break that cycle for God's shake......in Greek villages EVERY kid is hyper and they are considered little devils. NO ONE is giving the meds. But the again in my country we don't take psychology drugs anyway....the reason to take them must be heavily serious and mostly they are given to inmates of psychiatric wards. I went through PPD without any meds and i am fine. And yes it was PPD for anyone wondering if i am mental or something. Good diet, a lot of exercise,extensive walking and it was solved. Stop the vicious drug cycle, read more, search and read.......don't let them lead you to what you are going through parents and kids.......

i am feel so sorry for you.........
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