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What to do.

post #1 of 6
6/23/09 at 8:25pm
Thread Starter 
Im looking for some advice on what to do when my step daughter says to me "my mommy said that I dont have to do that". I don't want to undermine her mother, but in the same instance her mother lets her do what she wants, regardless if its eating, playing, going to bed, what have you, the child does as she pleases at home. When she is here, she has to conform to the rules here, and I want to make this as easy as possible for her while still getting the point across. Her mother is making things extremely difficult by telling the child things before she comes for visitation and this undermines the rules set at her fathers house.
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post #2 of 6
6/23/09 at 8:46pm

Re: What to do.

I have never been in this situation, but perhaps gently remind her that she is not at mommy's house, she's at daddy's house now and at daddy's house she has to live by daddy's rules. I am sure when she visits her grandparents' or friends' houses, she has to live by their rules as well. I can imagine how stressful this is for you. *hugs*
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post #3 of 6
6/23/09 at 9:25pm

Re: What to do.

I agree with Lenora ... let her know that while it's a really good thing to listen to her mommy, her mommy's rules apply to her mommy's house and that you have different rules in your house.
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post #4 of 6
6/24/09 at 9:17am

Re: What to do.

I agree with Elaine and Lenora. I would just say, "You don't have to do that at Mommy's house (or at home or when you are with Mommy), but when you are here with Daddy and me, you do have to do _________." You might also try behavior modification, in which you offer rewards (good consequences) for appropriate behavior and punishment (or bad consequence) for inappropriate behavior. For example, you ask her to pick up her toys, and she does, so you let her watch 30 minutes of television or you give her a little prize like special bubble bath or a sticker book and stickers (or something small that would appeal to her). But if you ask her to pick up her toys and she doesn't, then you don't say anything right then. Just wait, and later when she asks if she can watch a television show or if she asks if she can play with playdough (or whatever might be considered a priviledge), you can say, "I am so sorry (name here), I would love for you to watch iCarly (or play with playdough or get out the Barbies), but you can't do that because you didn't pick up your toys earlier. I really hope that next time I ask you to pick up your toys that you'll do it, so I can let you watch tv (or whatever)." Make sure you say this kindly and calmly, and there is to be no arguing. Check out Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay. I think this would go a long way with her. There is also a version for toddlers, which might work better for her if she is as delayed as you think she is.
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post #5 of 6
6/25/09 at 8:46pm

Re: What to do.

We were always told that at mom's house you had to follow mom's rules. At my bro's dad's house, we had to follow his rules.
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post #6 of 6
8/22/09 at 4:01pm

Re: What to do.

Yeah, talk to her mom regarding this issue, bcoz the girl wont understand this if she is too young. And tell your husband to talk to her daughter.
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