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Why am I only a step-parent when it is convenient for everyone else?

post #1 of 19
8/21/03 at 12:55pm
Thread Starter 
I am sooo sick of only being Chelsey and Devan's "step-mom" when someone wants something. Devan's mom doesn't hesitate to consider me his step-mom when I can keep Devan whenever needed. Adam doesn't hesitate to think of me as a step-mom when he wants to go somewhere and me keep the kids or when he wants me to feed the kids, etc. But anytime a decision needs made about anything, I am nothing. Just Amy. My opinion doesn't matter at all so why bother to ask me.
A thank you would be nice once in a while. "hey amy, thanks for treating my kids good." "hey, amy, thanks for being there for the kids that you don't have to." I am soo irritated! I treat these kids and love these kids no less than if they were mine, but I never matter.
I would like to be thanked once in a while or aknowledged once in a while when somebody doesn't want something. It used to be like this with Chelsey until I told Adam that if he only wanted me to be a parent when it was convenient then he better find a baby-sitter when he wasn't home because that is exactly what I felt like, a free baby-sitter, taxi driver, chef, etc.

Sorry! I'm having a bad day and Adam just p!ssed me off. So now I am at work crying because I realize what I really do mean to these people and it is jack sh!t.
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post #2 of 19
8/21/03 at 12:59pm
sorry you are being treated that way Have you told Adam how you feel abotu all that? and that it would be nice to be recognized for all that you do for HIS kids???
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post #3 of 19
8/21/03 at 1:01pm
Thread Starter 
Yes, I have told him and it changes just for a little bit and then I get treated like crap again. I don't mind all that I do for the kids and I wouldn't change it for anything, but you have to take the good with the bad.
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post #4 of 19
8/21/03 at 1:01pm
I'm sorry you are having a bad day Amy.
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post #5 of 19
8/21/03 at 1:22pm
Thread Starter 
He just came in and saw me at work and brought me a lemon shake up which are usually but this one is

Anyway, he found Devan's step-grandma and told her how I felt and that we wanted Devan back on Friday instead of Sunday which is what started this fight to begin with. I'm still upset that I have to throw a big fit to be heard but glad he finally listened.
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post #6 of 19
8/21/03 at 1:23pm
I am so sorry about what you are going through. Wish I had some advice but I am in the same boat with my dh, I am good enough to look after and feed his other kids but OMG if there's something serious going on it's "What do you care they are not your kids" Wow guess I'm kinda having a bad day myself...lol Hope things get better for you.
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post #7 of 19
8/21/03 at 1:27pm
That is ridiculous! You two are just as involved in those kids life as their NATURAL parents and you deserve to be heard. And next time someone tells you what do you care.... tell them because you do !!!

I am sorry you have to deal with that! Those children are very lucky to have step-parents that treat them like your own, because alot of step parents don't give a crap!
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post #8 of 19
8/21/03 at 1:29pm
Ditto Jennifer!!

I hope things get better for you.
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post #9 of 19
8/21/03 at 2:00pm
Well said Jennifer!!

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post #10 of 19
8/21/03 at 2:06pm
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post #11 of 19
8/21/03 at 2:11pm
You wanna come hide in the closet at my house?
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post #12 of 19
9/7/03 at 3:11pm
I can tell you this from experience - When the kids are grown, they WILL remember all that you have done for them. I know, I have the world's greatest step-dad (although it took years for me to realize it.) and he did tons of things for me that he never got a thank you or anything else for. It was just taken for granted that he would do things and be there. But now he is just "dad" and I love him so much I can't even explain. So when the kids grow up, and they are still coming to you for whatever, you will be able to look back and know that it was all worth it.
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post #13 of 19
9/7/03 at 10:54pm
Thread Starter 
Thank you Brenda, that means a lot! I think the reason it bothers me so much is because my family never handled it like that. My two older sisters are really my half-sisters, but I never even knew it until I was like 13 because we never did the whole "step" family deal and everyone was always treated the same no matter whose they were. I give my parents the highest respect for the way they handled it.
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post #14 of 19
9/8/03 at 12:14am
I agree with Brenda. Children hear what you say and see what you do and they will remember. They say parents are the first teachers a child has. Example is one of the most enduring teachers they have. It sounds like you are giving them of your time and your love.

But you also need some respect with the biological parents in the here and now. I used to have A LOT of trouble sticking up for myself. (I still have a little trouble, but i'm better than I was.) Decide what you want...use "I" statements to express how you are feeling (as in "I feel used when you xxxx"). Tell them what you want changed. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

I hope you don't think I'm making light of the situation by quoting from the tv show M*A*S*H. I don't need to be. But in the episode where Margaret gets a letter from her future mother-in-law, it is obvious the woman does not care for her. When asked what she wants, Margaret says,...

"Respect. Simple respect. I expect nothing more, and I'll accept nothing less."
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post #15 of 19
3/20/09 at 4:50pm

Re: Why am I only a step-parent when it is convenient for everyone else?

I get were you are coming from. In fact I often feel guilty or feel neglected, it is a real crappy way to feel. My fiance has many issues with his ex that take alot of his time and money, he has really gone beyond what most men could put up with. But in the meantime I am doing the most to be almost perfect. And admittedly, as stepmom I try set a really good example and check constantly with my guy to make sure I am not doing something wrong. BUT after awhile its like, am I doing anything right? I know I am doing a great job, but I don't seem to get recognition for it. Often I will get the response of "it isn't your problem, or you worry too much, or it's not your decision". I am still searching for a way to tell them to acknowledge me without causeing more stress for everyone. I do have the reward of a great relationship with my stepdaughter, but it is alot of work too! I am going to tell you that you are doing a great job, and the children will be very much better off for your efforts! It is hard not to hear it! And I really do feel that you have to be an even stronger person to be a bit of an outsider and still care so much, good for you!
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post #16 of 19
3/20/09 at 9:22pm

Re: Why am I only a step-parent when it is convenient for everyone else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spaggie View Post
I can tell you this from experience - When the kids are grown, they WILL remember all that you have done for them...
Spaggie is exactly right. But lets emphasize the word grown because its going to be a long time down the road. Meanwhile its a thankless job and you have every right to demand that you be given the respect you deserve from both the kids and your husband.

His peace offering was a nice gesture and it indicates that he knows he's got to tighten up his ship and when he eases up again don't hesitate to yank his chain.

And you know what a few weeks or months of not doing what you've been doing will demonistrate how much you're needed.
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post #17 of 19
3/21/09 at 2:37am
Thread Starter 

Re: Why am I only a step-parent when it is convenient for everyone else?

Wow! My original post is from a LONG time ago, but you replying made me reread it. I am sooo happy to say that things are a MILLION times better now! It has been a long road, but we are all much more happy, and we all have a fantastic relationship now!
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post #18 of 19
3/22/09 at 12:59am

Re: Why am I only a step-parent when it is convenient for everyone else?

I can understand if there are certain decisions that legally the parents are the sole decision-makers, but with the presence you have in your step-children's and husband's lives you should have more of a voice in everyday situations. You invest yourself, not to mention your time and hard work into their well-being, and you deserve recognition. Situations involving step-parents are so varied, that there's really no one answer to everything it seems. How long have you been a part of their lives? I'm sorry to hear that you talk to your husband but he doesn't always hear your point of view, or if he does it's temporary. :\ I hope that starts to improve. It's hard to put forth so much and receive little in return.
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post #19 of 19
3/22/09 at 11:12am

Re: Why am I only a step-parent when it is convenient for everyone else?

I'm so happy to know that things are so much better now!

I'm glad the reply to an old old post made you come back for a visit!

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